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I will never forget the first time I took cocaine. It was 2002 and I felt like I had been rocketed into a new dimension. I chased this same high for the next decade. I suffered many consequences along the way: an arrest for possession; drink driving; bankruptcy; failed relationships. And yet I couldn't stop.
Ten years after my first high, I found myself in a hotel in Manchester, England. I'd spent the weekend, and my paycheck, on booze and cocaine, and I hadn't slept for 48 hours. I felt broken and alone. I didn't want to live but I didn't want to die, either. I was in no-man's land; the game was up and I knew I needed help.
I checked myself into a hospital and began the journey to recovery, and I am now sober. My personal journey led me to explore the addiction process in depth. Now, I lead a team of highly experienced counsellors throughout the UK, many of whom have had first-hand experience of addiction themselves.
When I look back at my battle with addiction, I recognize that I always struggled most over the Christmas period. The office parties and constant social events led to a huge increase in my drug use.
I got engaged on Christmas Eve, 2008, and I left my fiancé to go to a bar on my own and celebrate with copious amounts of cocaine and booze. A first-class demonstration of the power of addiction–how even on the day I got engaged, when I should have been at home celebrating, the pull of the cocaine and alcohol was stronger.
The next year I managed until New Year's Eve before the fuse blew and I went at it for three full days before appearing at my dad's house like the ghost of Christmas past, greeting him by vomiting into the kitchen sink.
These are just a few examples of the many festive seasons I lost to the fury of addiction; bringing carnage, misery and pain to myself and everyone close to me.
Christmas is an anxiety-provoking time for recovering addicts, as there are potential landmines everywhere. However, with the right preparation, this period can be navigated successfully while remaining enjoyable. I would offer these suggestions to recovering addicts over the festive period.
How to cope with Christmas during addiction recovery
1. Keep attending your support groups
Addiction does not take two weeks off over the Christmas period. It is important to keep doing what has got you well and not take your foot off the gas.
I remember being sat in an "aftercare" meeting at the Priory and the lead counsellor asked me what my plans were for Christmas. I told her, defiantly, I was having a complete break from all my support groups and needed a rest. She looked at me quizzically and said, "maybe you need some more pain." I sat, confused, and couldn't comprehend what she had said.
A few weeks later, I had relapsed. Now I understood what she meant by that comment: I needed to experience the heartbreak of relapse to keep me committed to recovery. Dropping my support group was the first domino to fall on my way back to relapsing. By taking a hiatus from recovery, I slipped into my old pattern of addictive thinking and suffered horrendous emotional and psychological consequences.
2. Don't fall back into old habits
It is very easy to be distracted by the constant social events and feel the pull of your old drinking buddies. I fell foul to this notion in early recovery, believing I could still go out with the same people, to the same places and just drink orange juice.
To fully recover, everything must change. Naively walking into a pub in your early days of recovery is like walking into a gun fight with a knife. It is imperative to keep connected with like-minded people and remember that we, as addicts, can't risk taking that first drink or drug.
Loneliness will find you, so it is critical you don't isolate yourself. Reach out to others who are experiencing the same feelings. We are stronger together and this support is crucial, especially over Christmas.
3. Make a solid plan
Being in recovery doesn't mean you have to become a "bore" and not attend any social events or parties. If you feel strong enough, by all means attend, but have a plan in place if you find yourself triggered by certain people, places or things.
This plan might look like bringing a supportive friend, driving there, planning an excuse to leave early, arranging a telephone call with a sponsor or friend to check-in during the party, sticking close to the sensible people or, if you're feeling vulnerable, not attending.
I have worked with countless individuals across our practices, who said they had no intention of drinking at the work Christmas party, but still found themselves relapsing. One thing they all had in common, was failing to prepare. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful and will always be waiting to lure you back into the madness.
And remember to plan for January. It's a cruel month. The mental energy required to navigate the Christmas period will often leave an addict exhausted, both physically and mentally. You need to be ready for it with a program of wellness and self-checking to set yourself in the best shape for the New-Year.
4. Take a break from social media
Scrolling mindlessly through social media can be very triggering for people in recovery. The Facebook and Instagram images of the supposedly perfect Christmas can play havoc with your thinking and lead you back to your substance of choice. This is not my subjective assessment. A 2016 study by the University of Copenhagen found that excessive social media browsing over Christmas makes people miserable.
Try to be present with family and friends and really feel the joy of being clean and sober. Stop living your life, wishing you were someone else.
5. Play the tape forward
This is a relapse prevention strategy that I use with all my clients over the festive period. If you start experiencing "euphoric recall" in simply remembering the good times of using, stop thinking about it immediately. Play the tape forward to the next day and the consequences which always ensue: your partner kicks you out, you let your children down again, you get arrested, you miss work.
Playing the tape forward keeps you in conscious contact with the inevitable and heart-breaking pain of relapse and keeps you one step ahead of your addiction.
Nathan Jones is the founder and clinical director of London Centre for Addictions.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
