Man Slammed for Prioritizing His Daughter's Education After Her Mom's Death

Losing a partner and becoming a single parent is arguably one of the hardest challenges life can throw at you, but one father has been heavily criticized online for his reaction.

In a Reddit post, a father, 39, going by the username TerribleTurnover2444, explained that he is "feeling conflicted about a recent decision I made regarding my teenage daughter (16F) following the death of her mother."

Describing things as "tough for the both of us" since the death of his wife, he says his daughter has been understandably "extremely distraught" and recently asked for time off school to process her grief.

"I ended up prioritizing her academic performance instead," he revealed. "Instead of allowing her to take some time off, I suggested that she continue attending school and told her that I believed that maintaining a routine and focusing on her education would provide stability and keep her on track... I was concerned that missing school would lead to a drop in her academic performance and potentially hinder her chances of getting into a good college."

According to the father, his daughter was "devastated...she accused me of not caring about her feelings and prioritizing her school performance over her emotional well-being. She believes that I'm being callous and unfeeling, dismissing her need for 'time to heal.'"

The daughter lost her mother two weeks ago at time of writing, and was asking her father for three weeks off school, according to the comments.

"After losing a parent, 85% of children exhibit such symptoms as difficulty sleeping, angry outbursts, worry, depression, bed-wetting, and thumb-sucking. After a year, more regressive behaviors may fade, but other problems, such as lack of confidence and preoccupation with illness, are likely to continue," according to grief advice site Grief Speaks.

Newsweek spoke to Ruth E. Freeman, president and founder of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, told Newsweek her thoughts about the delicate family matter.

"The loss of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences a child can have. Dad's confusion about what is best for his daughter at this time is not unusual," Freeman said. "Grieving the death of a parent during adolescence can be particularly confusing since the teenage brain is under construction. Even without this loss, this teen is likely to experience intense, overwhelming emotions and seek activities that feel good vs. being productive.

"Father's decision to keep his daughter in school is a reasonable one. He points out himself that keeping routines consistent is important after such a loss and that is correct. He also correctly notes that leaving school might lead to future losses in terms of the kinds of choices his daughter will have after graduating from high school. Anger is a natural part of grief and being angry at her dad may also be part of his child's grieving process. A natural part of a teen daughter's development is to push back against her mom as part of daughter forming her identity and that possibility has been cut off. So being mad at dad for not allowing her to take a break from school may be affected by that loss as well.

"On the other hand, Dad missed an opportunity here that he may still want to consider. This would be a good time for Dad to take a few steps. First, he may want to sit down and listen in depth to what his daughter envisions doing with her time off. He will certainly want to listen with care to the thoughts and emotions she is feeling about her mom's death. It will be helpful to his daughter if Dad takes the time to consistently validate her emotions — 'Sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with school right now and wishing that you had more space to deal with your enormous emotions.' It will be helpful to his daughter in her grieving process if Dad can learn to listen with an open mind and take the time to see things from his daughter's point of view. That might include phrases like, 'tell me more about that' or 'help me understand that.'

"Dad may want to explore the availability of in-person or online grief groups, or a therapist who is experienced in working with teens and their families and also grief. He may suggest this to his daughter and perhaps both of them could go together. Here in Connecticut we have The Cove Center for Grieving Children that provides regular gatherings of kids and parents who have experienced the death of an immediate family member. A book that might be helpful for Dad is Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James and Maryann Emswiler who were the founders of The Cove. This is one of the hardest journeys that human beings experience and both dad and daughter deserve some wise and meaningful support.

"It sounds like she wants some pressure off and some more down time, both of which seem completely reasonable. Perhaps there is a middle way that they can find together through some thoughtful brainstorming."

Users on Reddit unanimously voted that the father was the a******.

"You could've found a way for her to be home & grieve. Massive YTA..." said one user. "Her grades will mean nothing if her mental health isn't treated as a priority through this time. It will catch up to her, but at that time, she won't trust you to be a source of support," said another.

Newsweek has reached out to user TerribleTurnover2444 via Reddit for comment.

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