Top Dating Tips From 'The Angry Therapist' Podcast Host John Kim

John Kim is not your typical therapist in "a giant New York City corner office with glass walls," that you might see on television, but he instead, he provides a "No Bulls***" form of therapy from CrossFit gym sessions. He has become popular on social media app TikTok for giving his 'straight to the point' advice, and being unlike the traditional therapist.

Newsweek spoke to the Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) to find out about his therapy style, which has been called 'anti-therapist' in the past, which first started after a "rebirth" following a divorce several years ago.

Kim told Newsweek that he strives to be a counterpoint. He's all about tearing down that perfect Norman Rockwell painting, offering "self-help in a shot glass" with a "casual over clinical" style of therapy.

His new book, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU: Break the Cycle. Relationship Better, released earlier this month and co-authored with his current romantic partner/fellow therapist Vanessa Bennett, is all about taking ownership and stopping the blame game in relationships.

Here we unpack John Kim's top dating tips for anyone in love, looking for love, and "everything in between."

1. Why 'The One' is Bulls***

It's "dangerous" to believe in "the one" because "you'll put so much on that relationship," Kim said. "And if that person isn't perfect, you're gonna instantly think that person's not 'the one'...so it prevents you from actually doing the work in the relationship."

"I believe 'the one' is the one in front of you—that's it. Whoever you choose to love is the one. I get that there's something romantic about destiny...but when it comes to the everyday building of a relationship, you can't build legs on destiny," he explained.

Kim said his partner Bennett always says: "Disney movies should begin not with the girl finding Prince Charming but when she finds his socks on the floor, when s*** starts to bother her and him on different levels."

Then you "learn at an early age that relationships take work instead of this fantasy that you meet this person and everything from there just falls into place."

2. Forget Self-Love

Let's talk about self-like instead, Kim said. There are family members that we choose to love who we don't really like. But do I like myself? It's more important to like yourself, than even loving yourself, because it's something that is "learned and requires a journey," the therapist noted.

You can look in the mirror and "convince yourself that you love yourself," but "you can't lie about liking yourself," Kim said. "To like anyone, you actually have to earn it. There has to be an authentic relationship for one to be like, 'yea, I like this person.'

"That's what I did for six years before I started dating after my divorce," taking time for himself, eating alone at restaurants, spending hundreds of hours "hugging canyons" on his motorcycle.

3. Do Google Doc Sex

Sex should "not only be a shared experience but also a shared calendar," said Kim.

"I used to say I'd never schedule sex but that was before we had a child and reality hit." So now he and Bennett have a shared Google Doc where the couple schedule a time of "afternoon delight" on a calendar, as and when they have spare time.

The therapist said: "This is the s*** that no one talks about because the relationship is supposed to be sexy, there's supposed to be rose petals leading to the bed, massages etc. But no, you've got to schedule that [sex] in."

4. The Biggest Problem With Dating Today

Two words—dating apps. While they allow us to reach more people, these apps have also "turned us into baseball trading cards," with all "the filters, the swiping, we're disposable," Kim said. They've made us even more impatient, we're so "expectant of that instant gratification."

Because of this "toxic swipe culture," it's all about "DMs [direct messages], d*** pics and catfishing...," the therapist said. "I've heard people swipe for their next date, while they're on their current one, so we're just condiments. We're not engaging like we should and getting to know each other on a deeper level."

5. Why Many Women Are Single

Many of Kim's female clients in their 30s "have great jobs but they haven't found love." They're just "sick of the dating apps and feel just very hopeless."

There are two things happening here, according to Kim. Firstly, "women today are building empires, they believe in themselves" and are prioritizing other things, not just love, which "can be intimidating."

Secondly, women's standards are higher, they're done with those not willing to do the work. "Women have more self-awareness and put their weight on what they want instead of just jumping into a relationship because it feels good or because there's chemistry, which men are more likely to do," Kim said.

Because women want more and their standards are higher, "there's a lot less fish in the sea," he said.

The 'Common Denominator' of Failed Relationships

According to Kim, "people don't say I'm sorry anymore" because "an apology requires taking ownership," which forms the basis of Kim's latest book.

We're stuck in a cycle of defense, holding up shields, the therapist said. But we must "try to understand before trying to be understood." If two people in a relationship were to do that, "then the soil is rich for growth and vulnerability." This is when "trust and relationship glue" is produced and "now you're building [the relationship] on legs instead of sand."

In all failed relationships, you have to realize "I am the common denominator." So, "what can I change about myself? What do I need to work on so that I'm bringing more to the table, instead of just taking [from it]?"

The therapist recalled the best piece of advice he'd ever received also applies to relationships. One of his supervisors once told him: "'If you're only going to be one point [a dot] in someone's life, just be a bright one' and I've always kept that with me. That point could be 40 years or four days, just make it a bright one."

John Kim is the host of The Angry Therapist podcast on Spotify. His new book, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU: Break the Cycle. Relationship Better, is out now.