Anger as Husband's Affair Is Outed by Teenage Daughter: 'Being Secretive'

A woman has asked online forum Mumsnet for "guidance" after her 16-year-old daughter revealed that her husband of 20 years has been having an affair. The affair has been going on for two years and involves someone the father met at work, according to the daughter.

User Pippa49 wrote, "He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages.

She went on: "I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance."

The woman could be the target of gaslighting, which is defined by Merriam-Webster as the "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem." The term originated from a 1938 play and 1944 film, both called Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness.

In a later post, the Mumsnet user said that she has found receipts for nearly £1,000 ($1,140) worth of gifts, including flowers, perfume and a Tiffany necklace. An accompanying message read, "'Dear [name]: This is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. It matches because I know and will always understand you and all that you need [name] xxx."

One message with some of the flowers said: "Dear [name]: Wherever you are, whatever we are, I just want you to know that I do and always will care. All my love Always." This was at the end of May...He is being very emotional with me and claims to have ended it with her saying that it was a huge mistake, a fantasy and was not real. None of it adds up," the user wrote.

Her daughter, the mother wrote, suspected that her father was being secretive, "got on to his laptop and found the receipts. She and her older sibling have known for 6 months but didn't want to tell me. He's said he was in a low place, found someone who cared, the escapism helped especially during a period when our son was ill (he sent flowers to her when my son was in hospital post major surgery)."

User Pegsonstrings commented, "It's Heartbreaking when the person you thought you knew does the ultimate betrayal, and then adds to the betrayal with gaslighting in an attempt to safe their own face and future, or reputation."

How Gaslighting Occurs

The National Domestic Violence Hotline says that gaslighting can occur in several ways. They include:

Denial: This is where a person refuses to take responsibility for their actions, whether by pretending to forget or blaming their behavior on someone or something else.

Withholding: This involves someone pretending not to understand the conversation or refusing to have the conversation.

Countering: Countering is when someone questions a person's memory.

Aquamarine1029 commented, "Precisely. Op, please don't fall for any of his gaslighting. He is saying whatever it takes to keep his life nice and easy."

AdoraBell said, "He's said it wasn't real and he was in a bad place? I would tell him his betrayal is real and he has put you in a bad place."

Greystarblanchard wrote, "Whether you can 'prove' he has also had a physical affair as well is irrelevant. He has totally betrayed you and you need to show him the door."