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Death on the Nile has been hit with multiple controversies surrounding cast members Armie Hammer and Letitia Wright—but what's going on in real life is the least of this film's problems.
Kenneth Branagh (the actor-director behind the movie) attempts a thick Belgian accent to play super-sleuth Hercule Poirot—and this desire to have a go at a heavy accent has infected most of the cast around him.
For some reason, most of the film's American actors have British accents (and in Jennifer Saunders' case vice versa). Other actors attempt French accents—while Gal Gadot attempts no accent at all despite playing an American.
As this all shows, the movie is a real mixed bag of performances. What unites them all, however, is that everyone has been given permission to go full ham.
The Death on the Nile cast ranked from best to worst
14. Kenneth Branagh as de-aged Hercule Poirot
Death on the Nile begins with something Agatha Christie fans didn't know they needed: An origin story for Poirot's moustache, set in World War I and featuring an uncannily de-aged Branagh. The result is one of the few cursed images in a generally well-shot film, and the first of many unintentional laughs the film provides.
Ham rating: A terrifying pig's head.
13. Ali Fazal as Andrew Katchadourian
With such a stacked cast, some characters in the movie were always going to be short-changed. So, it is not Fazal's fault that his character (the lawyer and cousin of Gadot's Linnet Doyle) fails to make any impression, save as an obvious red herring.
Ham rating: A vegetarian ham substitute.
12. Russell Brand as Linus Windlesham
Russell Brand is this movie's oddest piece of casting—especially as he has one of the most serious roles in the film as Linnet's lovelorn ex. The actor works as a sort of Victorian Artful Dodger figure (in his British TV work) or as a contemporary sleazebag (like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall), but not really as a 1930s doctor.
Ham rating: A ham sandwich.
11. Letitia Wright as Rosalie Otterbourne
The first of the movie's shaky accents comes courtesy of the usually excellent actor Letitia Wright. It just does not match that of her aunt and frequent companion Salome (Sophie Okonedo)—and Salome outshines her in nearly all of the scenes they have together.
Ham rating: A plain boiled ham.
10. Gal Gadot as Linnet Ridgeway-Doyle
Many of the film's accents are shaky, but at least everyone tried. Except Gadot. The Wonder Woman star seems to be in the Arnold Schwarzenegger part of her career, in which it is simply never explained why she clearly has the wrong accent for the American character she is playing. Film Twitter has long been split on exactly how good an actor Gadot is, and Death on the Nile will not provide answers.
Ham rating: Israeli salt beef masquerading as American ham.
9. Kenneth Branagh as Hercule Poirot
Branagh's Poirot in this is a definite improvement on his work in Murder on the Orient Express (especially as we have had time to get used to the moustache), but he is still dead last among the many on-screen Poirots. He gets some jokes that land in this film, and some touching moments, but he usually feels more like a grab-bag of quirks than a fully developed character.
Ham rating: Glazed ham.
8. Annette Bening as Euphemia
One of the cast's three Oscar nominees, Bening is clearly having fun as the aristocratic British painter. However, the accent is choppier than a stormy sea. The film has a line about halfway through where we learn Euphemia is snobbish about her son's love for an American, which will probably be the first time you realize that she herself is not playing an American.
Ham rating: Holiday glazed ham with all the trimmings.
7. Armie Hammer as Simon Doyle
Hammer's appearance in this film has generated much of the controversy around this film, but in the movie itself, his performance is fairly subdued. His English accent is OK, and he is playing a character he has played many times before—the aristocrat with a dark streak. With so many actors going completely off the wall, he offers some grounding.
Ham rating: A light ham salad.
6. Emma Mackey as Jacqueline de Bellefort
The Sex Education actor gets most of the big emotional scenes as the woman still in love with Hammer's Simon Doyle, and her talent makes Jacqueline the only character who feels anywhere near to a real person. However, there is always something too contemporary about her for the '30s setting—not helped when the film puts her in a midriff-baring two-piece that is pure Forever 21.
Ham rating: A few pieces of sliced ham.
5. Rose Leslie as Louise Bourget
Leslie has proved herself as a queen of accents across projects like Game of Thrones and The Good Fight, to the extent that viewers may not even realize she is really Scottish. Her French accent here is another success, so it is a shame the film cannot find a little more for her to do.
Ham rating: Finest French jambon.
4. Tom Bateman as Bouc
Tom Bateman gives a performance as a posh British socialite that feels like it could fit in any adaptation of Poirot ever made. His Bouc is pure Masterpiece Theater, in other words, and as a British character actor, Bateman clearly has a confidence in this kind of role from U.K. TV that some of his American co-stars lack.
Ham rating: British heritage ham.
3. Dawn French as Mrs. Bowers
Though not well known in the U.S., Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders are one of the U.K.'s most beloved comedy double acts, so their casting in this film is a big deal. Saunders gets the more fun role, but French gets the most jokes that (intentionally) land out of every cast member.
Ham rating: A ham buffet.
2. Jennifer Saunders as Marie Van Schuyler
Among Saunders' most frequent impressions on the French and Saunders show were Cher and Madonna, and her role here as the ultimate champagne communist pulls from both of them and makes every scene she is in better.
Ham rating: Peppa Pig and her entire family, glazed and slow cooked.
1. Sophie Okonedo as Salome Otterbourne
Death on the Nile's most over-the-top character is also its best by a long way. The Oscar-nominated Okonedo is clearly having a ball as a blues singer who is equal parts Ma Rainey, Blanche DuBois and Foghorn Leghorn. And while you never believe that a woman who is this much of a force of nature would bother to flirt with Poirot, you would watch a romcom starring both of the characters just to see more of her delicious flirting.
Ham rating: An entire ham warehouse.
