Woman Backed for Calling Ex-Husband a 'Deadbeat' Dad in Front of His Family

A post about a woman who "snapped" after her ex-husband "belittled" their daughter has gone viral on Reddit, where it has received 14,000 upvotes.

Writing on Reddit's Am I the A****** (AITA) page under the username user throra2762, the 41-year-old woman said she and her 44-year-old ex-husband, Brian, share a 14-year-old daughter named Sam. The couple got divorced when Sam was 4.

The poster said: "Sam is a very accomplished field hockey player." To celebrate her recent game, her grandparents took the teen and the rest of the family to lunch.

As Sam recounted details from her matches to her grandparents, the poster wrote, her ex "interjected and belittled her performance because she 'only' scored 1 goal." Sam then "burst into tears and ran to the bathroom."

The poster later "snapped" and told Brian that "he was a deadbeat" and that she "wouldn't be surprised if Sam cuts him loose one day."

She wrote: "Our daughter is wonderful and does not deserve to be treated like this."

Conflict between divorced or separated parents raises their children's risk of developing physical and mental health problems, according to a January 2021 study by researchers at Arizona State University (ASU).

Karey O'Hara, a research assistant professor of psychology at ASU and the first author of the study, which was published in the journal Child Development, said: "Conflict is a salient stressor for kids, and the link between exposure to interparental conflict and mental health problems in children is well established across all family types—married, cohabitating, separated and divorced."

The Reddit poster said her ex-husband made "a real effort to be a good father" for the first two years after their divorce.

"But then pretty much overnight he seemed to lose interest in her," she wrote. He stopped attending parent-teacher nights, never came to her sports games and quit asking about them. He also "refused to pay child support," which the poster "eventually stopped asking for" since she has a "well-paying job."

She said: "On the rare occasions he remembered to pick her up he would try and smooth everything over by buying her expensive gifts and it worked for a really long time but it's started to wear off now and Sam is starting to see through it."

'Accepting the Situation for What It Is'

Patrice Le Goy, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, told Newsweek the poster "has every right—and probably need—to share her hurt and disappointment that her ex is not participating in their child's life as actively as he was before."

"At the same time, it is important that the poster does not conflate her own hurt feelings with the needs that her daughter has at this time in her life," Le Goy said.

She suggested that the poster should seek individual therapy to work through her emotions over the breakup and her ex-husband's parenting style. Le Goy said the therapy could also help the poster let go of the idea that her ex-husband will change.

"Accepting the situation for what it is may help her regulate her emotions," she said.

'A Respectful Co-Parenting Relationship'

Beverly Price, a certified divorce coach based in South Carolina, told Newsweek that while it's understandable that the poster felt frustrated or angry with the ex-husband, "using negative language to describe him in front of others is unlikely to achieve [the mother's] goals."

By calling him a deadbeat, the poster is essentially telling her child that her dad is "a failure," Price said. This can have a negative impact on children's self-esteem and their relationship with their dad.

The ex-husband's role in their daughter's life is separate from the poster's relationship with him." So she should try to "maintain a respectful co-parenting relationship" for the sake of their child, Price said.

'Classic Deadbeat Dad Move'

On Reddit, a number of users sided with the woman in the post.

In a comment that got 23,700 upvotes, user Jeffrey_Friedl said, "You shouldn't have made a scene in the restaurant BECAUSE HE SHOULDN'T HAVE CREATED THE SITUATION. So much NTA [not the a******]."

User G_Felix wrote: "He's doing the classic deadbeat dad move: not paying child support while buying expensive gifts for the child. He's trying to get the child to think that he's spending so much on his child while the mother is the one who is actually supporting the child with all the day to day living expenses."

User oliviamrow agreed that the poster should "go for the child support," writing: "It's not for you, it's for sam - that's money that can help her someday. If you/she don't need it now, put it in savings for later."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.

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