Man Resenting His Dad for Prioritizing Terminally Ill Step-Brother Backed

A post about a father who attempted to reconnect with his son after previously telling the child that he "was not his whole life" has gone viral on Reddit, where it received over 13,300 upvotes.

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA), user Harlzeren said he lost his mom to "a long term health issue" when he was 10. His dad started dating when he was 12 and met Jane. "After a few months he told me her son had a form of brain cancer and was very sick and that they were getting married and he would be helping to take care of her son."

Life after his father met Jane had "so many changes," including tight finances. When he told the dad how much he "hated the situation," the user said "He told me we grew our family...one of the consequences of that sometimes is having less...he told me I was not his whole life and he was not going to stop doing what he wanted to do because of me."

The son left the dad when he turned 17 and got married this past June after meeting his wife in college. The poster said: "Then in November my dad showed up" after his stepson died and he ended up divorced from Jane, hoping the poster could "help him out." The user said he "laughed in his face and told him he had some nerve," adding that he "owed him nothing."

A December 2015 report from the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge and the U.K. charity Stand Alone stated that "adult family relationships are complex and diverse" and it can be difficult to exactly define estrangement. "However, at its most simple, adult family estrangement can be understood as the breakdown of a supportive relationship between family members."

The report found that "most who were estranged from a parent strongly agreed with the idea that they could never have a functional relationship again."

According to the user in the latest Reddit post, his father said "he'd been struggling a lot," mentioning "he'd spent a lot of money on finding me and he wanted us to repair things but he also needed my help."

When the son refused, the father allegedly "became angry and told me he was my dad and was always there for me and I owed him."

The poster said: "I told him I owed him nothing and I threw most of his words back in his face, including that he needed to grow up and that he was not my whole life and would not stop me doing what I want..."

Holly Keller, a therapist and licensed mental health counselor (LMHC), told Newsweek: "The son was not overreacting; he was well within his right to respond to his father the way he did. The family dynamic sounds very typical of a dysfunctional family."

Keller said some common beliefs of a dysfunctional family that are likely to come into play in this situation include the following:

• Some family members' needs are more important than others.

• Only positive feelings are allowed to be expressed.

• Keep the peace at all costs.

• Keep your problems to yourself.

• If you don't meet others' needs, then you are selfish or bad.

The LMHC said: "Many people respond to grief differently. It sounds like the father was absorbed into his own suffering after the death of his wife, rather than processing his feelings and being a support to his son. He focused on his own happiness and was willing to do anything to maintain a connection with his new wife; he even abandoned and neglected his own son's needs by prioritizing his stepson's needs.

By doing this, the father "parentified his son," she said, "demanding a level of emotional maturity that is unreasonable for a child." Keller said the poster was robbed of his childhood, having to grow up quickly due to his father's emotional immaturity.

"It was inappropriate for the father to initiate a connection looking for help before repairing the rupture in the relationship caused by his choices. This would indicate his father isn't looking for a healthy relationship based on reciprocity.

"Instead, he is looking for a one-way relationship that solely focuses on his needs being met. I applaud the son for having boundaries and protecting himself from further emotional abuse," Keller said.

Several users on Reddit sided with the original poster.

In a comment that got 18,300 upvotes, user GreekAmericanDom said the poster is "NTA [not the a******]" Your dad sacrificed you so that he could f***. And as things turned out, the 'family' he created wasn't all that real after all. He was just a patsy to help take care of a sick kid. You owe him nothing."

In a comment that got 6,800 upvotes, user ArmChairDetective84 said: "Wife probably left as soon as her son was buried." The same user also said: "OP being treated like crap by his dad is solely on his dad IMO [in my opinion]" in a comment that got 1,800 upvotes.

In a comment that got 6,300 upvotes, user dreamer629 agreed that the poster is "NTA. Your dad quite literally showed up after he had nothing left but you. That's a huge red flag, and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.

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