I Was A 'Glass Child'—It Made Me an Anxious Adult

Debbie Missud's younger brother had a traumatic start to life. After suffering serious health complications a few months after his birth, he was hospitalized and nearly died.

The toll on her family didn't end there. Missud said her parents, anxious about her brother's health and well-being, devoted more attention to him than to her.

"I remember my brother needing considerably more attention than me as early as 5 years old," Missud told Newsweek. In early childhood, her brother had behavioral issues at school, which later "manifested into addiction, bipolar disorder, and borderline tendencies in adolescence/early adulthood."

Missud had become a "glass child," seemingly invisible to those around her. This contributed to her anxiety and other mental-health issues as an adult.

"My experience as a glass child turned me into an anxious, people-pleasing, hyper-independent perfectionist as an adult, and it was what led me to seek out my own therapy," said Missud. She is now a licensed mental-health counselor (LMHC) based in New York City.

Missud is far from alone in her experience. Research has shown that sibling dynamics, such as feeling like a glass child, can have a profound impact on our adult lives.

"The sibling relationship has the ability to uniquely shape a child's behavior, adjustment, and ­well-being, for better and worse," wrote Shawn Whiteman, a professor of human development and family studies at Utah State University, in the March 2022 edition of Monitor on Psychology, the magazine of the American Psychological Association. This echoed findings from an October 2018 study in the peer-reviewed Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

Growing up as a glass child can cause or worsen serious mental-health issues, even to the extent of driving people into self-loathing, experts say. But what are the warning signs and what can parents do to help?

What Is a Glass Child?

In a viral TikTok video posted back in March, Missud said that "if you have a sibling with a chronic mental or physical disability, you may be what's called a glass child."

The term refers to how others tend to "see right through" such children, with the focus being mostly on the child with the health issue. Glass children are "those whose siblings took up a pretty significant and disproportionate amount of parental energy," the counselor said.

'I Did Not Realize I Was a Glass Child Until Adulthood'

While the glass-child dynamic in her family began in early childhood, Missud said, "I did not realize I was a glass child until adulthood," when she began getting therapy.

This helped "connect my family dynamic to the anxiety I was having in adulthood," she added.

Missud said: "Many holidays for my family were filled with tension and stress, and ended up being tainted with heavy substance use, police involvement, and the occasional hospitalization."

In those moments, the only thing that went through her mind were "how can we solve this?" "is this day salvageable?" "how can I help?" as well as "a load of grief."

'It's Hard for the Unwell Child Too'

Stacie Larrison, a middle-aged woman living in the Midwest who did not reveal her exact age and location with Newsweek, grew up as the sibling of a glass child.

As a young adult, she became chronically ill and struggled with what would eventually be diagnosed as an autoimmune disease.

Larrison grew up with three younger siblings. In a viral TikTok video posted in January this year, she said she had many conversations with especially her younger sister and "it was a hard time for her... I know it's not my fault but it doesn't change that sadness and that guilt."

In a caption shared on the video, Larrison wrote: "It's hard for the unwell child, too. We typically get attention that can feel controlling and stifling to our independence."

Though her parents always did an incredible job treating each of their children the same, Larrison told Newsweek: "I have always felt a lot of guilt for needing the extra attention. When you're chronically ill, it's natural to have feelings of being a burden."

Larrison recalls feeling very much like a burden, especially knowing that any resources invested in her could be going to her siblings. "As the oldest of four, I've always felt a deep responsibility to support them in their lives."

Even after she got married, Larrison continued to require quite a bit of support from her parents, "which, I am certain, added stress to the lives of my siblings."

The Impact of Growing Up as a Glass Child

Missud noted that the big issue around glass children is "how overlooked we are."

She said: "Not only is this dynamic present in the family system, it's also reflected in literature and mental-health treatment; glass children are highly underrepresented in research."

Missud added that "the terminology here is particularly relevant, as many glass children are more overlooked than ignored. That is, to be missed until pointed out later, or generally forgotten about."

By using the term "ignored," Missud said "it implies that it was intentional on parents' behalf, or that glass children are even aware of the dynamic in the moment. Intent and awareness are key differentiators in ignoring versus overlooking."

Angela Caldwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) based in California, told Newsweek: "Currently, we have no specific diagnostic criteria for a 'glass child.' But these children do seem to be at risk for developing other mental conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder."

The 'Invisible' Suffering

Caldwell, who is the founder and director of the Caldwell Family Institute in Los Angeles, which specializes in family-based treatment, said: "What complicates a glass child's specific mental suffering is that it is usually invisible."

Caldwell added that glass children learn to "masterfully conceal their problems" in an attempt to ease the burden on their already overburdened parents.

Many glass children go their whole lives without anyone ever knowing the weight of the stress or sadness that they carry.

"Worse, because of the stark contrast between their suffering and the more visible suffering of their sibling, they learn incorrectly that their problems are 'small,' and are less likely to seek help for them," Caldwell said.

The Pressures of Remaining as the 'Golden Child'

Missud said the pressure that glass children put on themselves to "keep the peace, be overly self-sufficient and remain the unproblematic 'golden child'" can be extremely challenging to unlearn.

"This is often what manifests into adulthood and contributes to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy self-esteem. And when we do start speaking out about our experiences, it can feel super uncomfortable and guilt-inducing, since we are so used to minimizing our feelings for the sake of others," the counselor said.

Since undergoing therapy, Missud added that she has been able to "set stronger boundaries, be more compassionate with myself and begin to unlearn some of these patterns that have been with me for decades."

A 'Dangerous' View of Self-Worth

Caldwell said that glass children learn "the wrong lesson about their value."

Rather than learning that "they have inherent value just by the mere fact of their existence," a glass child learns that their value lies only in their ability to help or to solve problems, she added.

"This is a dangerous foundation for an identity, because it risks developing codependent relationships with people who use and abuse them, rather than developing relationships built on mutual respect and care," the LMFT said.

Self-Loathing

Caldwell said "there's also the issue of self-loathing" when it comes to glass children, who are "forced to grapple with contradictory emotions on a daily basis."

On one hand, they feel great sympathy and compassion for their siblings and parents. However, on the other hand, they can't help but resent their family members and "even experience hatred from time to time," Caldwell added.

"Because they wouldn't dream of expressing these feelings to their loved ones, they are filled with guilt, and draw the wrong conclusion that they are 'bad' for having these feelings," the LMFT noted.

Glass children can even reach a point of profound self-loathing, which is completely invisible to those around them, Caldwell said.

How Parents Can Prevent 'Glass Child Syndrome'

Caldwell said one very simple thing that parents can do to avoid the glass-child syndrome is to designate regular one-on-one time with their "typical" child (meaning their would-be glass child.)

The LMFT said there should be a 10- or 20-minute period each day where the typical child has the parent's undivided attention and complete focus, "free of any discussion of or interruption by the atypical child."

If setting aside such time is impossible due to the severity of the atypical child's issues, parents should devote at least one or two hours over the weekend to "a special activity just for the typical child and the parent and that time should be sacred."

Caldwell said that exhausted parents "must hide their exhaustion so that typical children don't feel obligated to care for them."

Instead, the parents should display excitement about the activity and make a point to happily meet the needs of the typical child, Caldwell added.

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