How To Deal With A Protective Mother-In-Law

Nobody has ever said marriage is easy, but if you are with a mama's boy, it is likely to be even harder.

This is because they are not only dealing with their partner's needs, but their mom's too, and the struggle to prioritize one relationship over the other can cause serious relationship issues.

Newsweek spoke to two family therapists to find out why mothers can be protective over their adult sons and the consequences this can have on their relationship.

Dr. Kevin Skinner, a licensed marriage and family therapist from ParentGuidance.org, said: "Sometimes, moms have created a dependency between them and their son. In essence, the son takes over the husband's role. In cases like this, the son feels a responsibility to take care of the mom because their mom did this for them.

"This enmeshment can be very complex. For example, 'I can't say no to mom because she will be upset.' This can leave a spouse or partner and others questioning their relationship."

What is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment describes family relationships that lack boundaries. Examples of enmeshment can include parents being overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children not being allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents.

In enmeshed families, members are emotionally fused together in an unhealthy way.

According to The Good Therapy blog, enmeshment "often contributes to dysfunction in families and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic."

The signs of enmeshment parenting include a lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child, parents referring to the child as a 'best friend,' and a parent being overly involved in their child's activities or achievements, something that continues into adulthood leaving a negative impact on future relationships.

In a viral video watched by over two million people, TikTok user @jordxn.simone stitched a video of a mom who was making a "sandwich," with just an unspecified seasoning as the filling, for her daughter-in-law who she claimed was "eating all the food."

Jordan Simone stitched the original video, and revealed her shock at the support it received. She said: "The most concerning part of this video is not the fact that this woman has admitted that she pretty much resents her son's girlfriend for just existing in the same space as her, but the amount of likes it got."

She added: "Ladies, your son is not meant to fill every masculine role in your life ... he is not your guardian, protector, your boyfriend, he is your son, your child. These complexes you have are terrifying, and will most likely be the reason your son won't speak to you in 30 years."

Why Some Men Struggle To Say 'No' To Their Moms

Previously, Newsweek shared an article about a husband who was slammed for giving his mother a key to his marital home without his wife's permission.

It turns out some men struggle to say 'no' to their mothers due to, you guessed it, enmeshment. New York and Connecticut State Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa Rene Reynolds, explained "some moms may be enmeshed with their sons and have their own needs met by the relationship and be reluctant to give those up."

Reynolds further explains other reasons behind protective moms and sons such as "cultural norms that govern the expected relationships between moms and sons."

"Many times, moms who are protective, do so simply because it is the "love language" that have become accustomed to using throughout the childhood years, and just need a little help and support in adjusting that a bit."

Reynolds states some mom-son relationships are built on "control and guilt" and "some moms have poor boundaries and aren't able to accept the changes that must occur in their relationships in order for the sons to successfully build a life with another woman."

What To Do When Your Mother-In-Law Gets Too Involved In Your Relationship

A close bond between a mom and son is usually a good thing, but some mothers have been known to overstep the mark causing problems in relationships.

Previously, Newsweek reported a viral Reddit post about a husband who was branded a "toddler" as his mom cooked for him daily.

This scenario left readers scratching their heads as they wondered why someone would marry a man who heavily relies on their mother.

Reynolds said: "When parents of grown children 'overstep' it is usually because they care or have not given up the role of parenting and protecting. So the key for an adult to set healthier boundaries with a mother is first to attend to where the mother is coming from.

"So an adult son might say to his mom, 'Mom, thank you for always loving me and caring about my well-being and happiness. I do appreciate where you're coming from, and for right now, what I really need from you is to support me on something that's really important to me by just letting me make this move, even if you feel differently about it. Can you please do this for me, mom?'

A survey of 807 women from 49 states found that 20 percent of wives said they were "dissatisfied or very dissatisfied" with their relationship with their mom-in-law, according to the Mother-in-Law project. The survey doesn't outline the reasons why the women aren't satisfied with their relationship, but Reynolds has a few ideas.

She said: "Common complaints of mother-in-law and wife relationships include wives feeling judged by mothers-in-law for doing things differently than they do, moms feeling disrespected by wives, mother-in-laws feeling like wives mistreat their husbands or don't understand them, and wives feeling that mothers-in-laws overstep in their relationship."

Communication is key when it comes to addressing problems with a mother-in-law but both therapists have advised discussing with the husband first.

Dr. Skinner said: "Going directly to the mom will likely lead to a conflict between the mom and you. If the husband or boyfriend can't see the dynamic I would point out the ways his interaction with his mom is influencing your relationship. I suggest giving him a very specific example."

But if a conversation with the mother-in-law cannot be avoided, Dr. Skinner warns there will be "a lot of resistance."

"For her, she has been this way with her son for years. She may not see what is happening at all and will likely become defensive. Another possibility is that your mother-in-law may agree with you but then go directly to your husband and complain about you."

How To Confront An Overprotective Mother-In-Law

Reynolds has shared some top tips on how to confront an overprotective mother-in-law:

• The "how" she speaks to her is important. If there is irritation, anger, disgust or bitterness in the tone, the mother-in-law may only "hear" the emotion there, instead of the substance of what the wife is trying to say.
• Remember that the mother-in-law is someone that, regardless of her actions, her husband loves. It is very hard for the husband to be situated between hurting his mother or hurting his wife.
• She should be sure that the "battles she picks" are really necessary. Some things may be just annoying in the short term, but not worth addressing.

Reynolds has also suggested using the "sandwich method." This involves starting with a supportive or loving comment.

"For example: "I know how much you love your son and I hope I know that I so respect you as his mom and I would never get in the way of that."

Followed by the "center" of the "sandwich" which is the hard stuff the wife needs to say.

"I know we have had difficulty in discussing this, but I have thought about it and I really need you to know that there are certain things I just am not OK with. I need you to try to understand where I am coming from and respect the boundaries that your son and I have set up in our relationship."

Lastly, the sandwich can be topped off with another positive such as "I want you to know that I care very much about you and our relationship and I truly hope we can work together to navigate this situation better going forward, and I appreciate you trying to work with me on this so much."

But it isn't just the wives that can work on the relationship, but also the mothers-in-laws.

Dr. Skinner said the best thing for moms would be to acknowledge the following steps that need to take place for healthy boundaries to be put in place.

• The first step is recognition of a problem of enmeshment or being overly involved.
• The second step is to identify how it is hurting him or his other relationships.
• Third, is learning appropriate boundaries such as respecting his time with his family, and encouraging him to figure this out with his wife instead of getting involved.
• Finally, focus on their mom-and-son relationship instead of giving advice about his family.