Husband's Plan To Ask Wife's Colleague To Share Bonus Slammed As 'Greedy'

The internet has dragged a man who thinks his wife's friend, who recently got his wife a referral for a job, is being selfish for not sharing with them the bonus money she will soon receive from the company for the successful referral.

In a post shared on Reddit in December 2022, under the username u/Dizzy-Addition-395, he explained that his wife recently got hired by a company after a friend referral, and he thinks her friend, Hannah, should share the bonus money 50-50 because "that's just how it is," and she wouldn't be getting any bonus money without his wife.

According to the Ask A Manager blog, referral bonuses are incentives that companies offer to their employees to encourage them to refer good candidates, and are not to be shared. "The candidate's reward is the job and the salary. The referral bonus is [a] payment to you for finding and flagging someone good enough that they were hired," the blog states.

The poster's wife doesn't think it's a big deal, and she's actually grateful that her friend helped her find her "dream job" with a much better salary than what she had.

"Thing is, my wife got the job because they liked her on the interview and she had the right skills and not because Hannah referred her in. She did a favor by allowing Hannah to refer her instead of applying on her own. Without my wife, Hannah wouldn't get any money. We are going over to Hannah's and her husband's place later today to hang out and I'm planning to ask her about the money," he said.

Jean Fitzpatrick LP, a licensed relationship therapist in New York, told Newsweek that the husband and wife seem to have different relationships with money, and it may matter more to him than it does to her.

"Often that reflects different life experiences, he may have had financial struggles or losses in the past, for example. A person who has lived through financial scarcity or catastrophe, especially in childhood or adolescence, is often triggered by situations involving money," she said.

According to Fitzpatrick, the partners also have different ideas of fairness, and while the husband holds an abstract idea that sharing in this situation is appropriate, customary, and the caring thing a friend would do, for the wife, fairness is grounded in the context of what the friendship means to her and how grateful she is for the new job.

"In terms of friendship, the two women are accepting the stated terms of the referral. One friend gets a job, the other gets a bonus. For them, this is a win-win. In terms of marriage, it's not unusual for partners to have different viewpoints. Part of the work in any marriage is to learn to accept differences and even appreciate each other's perspectives," she said.

"What is concerning here is the husband's plan to work around the wife and ask her friend to share the bonus. This is a boundary violation in the marriage. It's not appropriate for one partner to intrude on the other's professional space or friendship."

Originally shared on the r/AmItheA****** subreddit where users discuss their actions with strangers, the post has received over 5,600 upvotes and 3,700 comments.

In a comment with over 30,000 upvotes, one user, Darcnys, said: "[You're The A******]. Referral bonuses are not normally shared."

Okayostrich added: "Also the wife is still in her trial period, OP's lack of tact could cost his wife this job. Her friend could be VERY insulted by this (and rightfully so), which would reflect very poorly on OP's wife in her workplace interactions going forward."

Another user, Peachy721, said: "[You're The A******]. Sharing referral bonuses is not typically a thing, and purposely going against your wife's wishes about this when it's HER friend is a jerk move."

Heyitszeus24 added: "[You're The A******] Referral bonuses are taxed and not meant to be shared. If your wife's friend splits the money then she will be paying taxes on it and your wife won't. Your wife's friend earned the bonus by recruiting. That doesn't put her in debt to your wife."

Pepperann007 wrote: "Is wifey going to share a portion of each paycheck since [her] friend helped her get the job? [You're The A******] and not a very bright one. Stop being greedy."

Newsweek reached out to u/Dizzy-Addition-395 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.

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