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I first started using dating apps in 2016, when I found myself newly separated. Having been in a relationship with my now ex-husband for almost 10 years, I found dating had completely transformed in the decade I'd been out of the game. It was now all about "the apps": Tinder and Bumble were now the place to go to get a date.
I know I'm not the only millennial who has emerged into this new landscape after a long-term relationship and could have really done with a map to navigate it—or at least a friendly guide. Instead, I embarked on three years of dating that I suppose you could call my "trial and error" era—in that I made loads of errors and it felt incredibly trying.
After a few failed "situationships," dozens of dates and God knows how many message exchanges, I felt I was beginning to crack a code. I noticed patterns; what men said would often play out in how they behaved.
I was also, frankly, pretty disheartened by the sheer volume of disrespectful, objectifying and misogynistic bios I came across every time I ventured onto an app. I could see through the men looking for "discreet fun"—that means sex that you'll keep secret from their wives—and sometimes it all felt so transparent that it was almost funny.
I realized I could translate stock phrases that are repeated from profile to profile—"looking for a partner in crime"; "not looking for a penpal"; "6'2, because apparently that matters"—from what they said to what they actually meant.
So, when I first set up my Instagram account @tindertranslators in 2019 it was primarily to give myself some comedic catharsis in the midst of a dating quagmire. It wasn't long, though, until I started to receive DMs from women thanking me for helping them decode the dating world, and for making them feel less alone in it all.
Gradually I built something of a community, and hearing the stories of thousands of women only confirmed my hypothesis about the sea of subtext there is when it comes to online dating. Here are three common tropes to look out for if you find yourself on the apps.
"No photo due to work"
I am yet to find out if there is an actual career that bans you from posting photos on dating apps. I once received a message from someone who worked for MI5, who told me that some actual spies had their photos on Tinder. So when Barry from accounting tries to argue that his middle-management role requires anonymity, I would advise skepticism.
A truly shocking number of people on dating apps are actually in monogamous relationships—or at least that's what their partners think—so it is more likely than not that they have no photo because they don't want to be seen by the friends or family of their other half.
One follower of mine spoke to a man with no photo via the apps and later on WhatsApp, where he did send her his photo. He was respectful and not pushy, but after a month she realized he was reticent about meeting. Eventually he said this was because he "still lived with his ex" and it was awkward.
Luckily, this woman was savvy enough to know that if a man has no profile picture and waits a month to tell you about his supposed ex who lives in his house, that ex is not an ex at all.
Still, that didn't stop the feelings of betrayal and self-reproach that she had to work through once she confronted him and the truth came out. Best to err on the side of caution and not match with those with no photo, whatever excuse they come up with.
"If you're not going to talk, don't bother matching me"
Online dating is frustrating for a whole host of reasons, and one that affects those of all genders is that lots of people you match with just never speak. Either that or you get banal chit chat followed by radio silence. This happened to me a lot on dating apps and I never took it personally; it was annoying, but par for the course.
Not everyone can be so philosophical about it, though. In fact, there seems to be a subsection of men who dedicate their whole bio to complaining about their experience of dating apps—women not speaking, not wanting to meet up, etc.
I have chatted with several guys who are convinced "it's really hard for men on here." Sure, my dude, women get sexually harassed within seconds and verbally abused when we offer the slightest rejection, not to mention fearing for our personal safety when actually going on dates, but you're the ones who are really suffering.
When I share dating profiles like this on Instagram, there will always be a comment or two saying, "Do they really think that women are going to be attracted by that?" My answer is always the same; they aren't thinking about it at all. Men who spend their entire bio moaning are too wrapped up in their own bruised egos to consider what women may want. And that, in itself, is a reason not to match them.
"I seem to attract psychos"
The way some men tell on themselves often amuses me. This kind of guy will use misogynistic language to declare, with no self-awareness, that all the women he's dated have been "crazy."
Now, whilst I'm sure that it is statistically likely that a few of these men had the bad luck to end up in relationships with a string of genuinely difficult women, that will not be the case for most. The real meaning of "all my exes are psychos" is either "when women display a full range of human emotion I pathologize them because it's easier than self-reflection," or, worse, "I have driven several women mad."
In fact, even if they don't use this specific phrase in their bio, I would pay close attention to how a potential date talks about their ex. Looking back at the first man I dated after my marriage broke down—a time when I was more vulnerable than I realized and shouldn't have been dating at all—I can see the dozens of red flags he was waving as clear as day.
He often spoke disparagingly about his most recent ex, and obviously wanted me to agree that she was the difficult one. Once, early on in our relationship, he told me that he was a really chilled out guy, but she always "wound him up" until he got so angry he shouted at her. I should have walked out the door right then.
When I eventually cut ties with this man, I ended up calling the police because he wouldn't leave me alone and had previously threatened to turn up at my house.
Of course, there's lots of fun to be had on the apps too, but with misogyny so commonplace on platforms like Tinder, it is also important that we all try to set our boundaries and know that we're worthy of honest and respectful dating experiences. We should not settle for less.
Aileen Barratt is the author of Tinder Translator: An A-Z of Modern Misogyny, which is out now. She is also the creator of the @tindertranslators Instagram account.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
