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Caffeine was a really big part of my life as a kid. I remember so clearly being late for every single event in my life, because we'd finally be on the road and then my parents would be turning off to go to a coffee shop. I'd be telling them we were late and they'd say: "You don't understand, Adrienne, we have to have our coffee."
I'm from Montreal in Canada. Because of the city's French background, I remember drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes being a big part of the cultural fabric at the time. Both of my parents are absolute caffeine heads, but as a young kid I swore I would never smoke or drink coffee. By 16 I was doing both. Drinking coffee was just the cool thing to do. Before high school started, I would pick up a cup of takeaway coffee and be seen with it waiting at the bus stop.
So I started because of the image but gradually came to really enjoy it. I've always enjoyed bitter flavors. I'm a nerd, so I quickly got into the specifics of coffee; where beans came from, controlling the temperature of the water and drip techniques. During high school, I ended up working in an Italian espresso bar, making proper espresso and really perfecting my foam game! Then, I went to college and started working at another coffee shop. I really let myself go caffeine-wise then.
We used to do a drip coffee we called "exam sized." It was a joke because our clientele were all students. "Exam sized" was 16 fl oz, three times the size of a normal cup of coffee we served, and I would have four of those a day, so 64 fl oz of coffee. I didn't drink that much espresso but I would also have cappuccino during the day. I look back now and think: How was I not anxious all the time?
But I don't recall feeling wired; it was just like drinking water. I worked in a coffee shop, so I woke up in the morning and went to work before class. Access to coffee was so easy. And, when my friends and I would go to the library to study, we'd get coffee. We'd socialize at a coffee shop. For two or three years during college, every social event during the day was tied to coffee.
I don't remember feeling like I needed it in the morning, but only because I was so resistant to that idea. I'm sure like many people who are addicted to a substance, I felt that I could stop any time I wanted to.
Pain in my stomach prompted me to stop. I was 21 and in my third year of university, and I could tell that, digestively, something was not right. I got an appointment with a doctor and I remember having him going through everything I ate. He wasn't able to pinpoint anything in my diet that was "wrong" and ultimately he got to asking if I drank coffee and how much. His jaw was on the floor when I told him. He said something along the lines of: "I'm not going to tell you what you can do or not do, but you have a choice: pain and coffee or no pain and no coffee." My memory is that he believed coffee was causing my stomach upset and was emphatically telling me to stop drinking it.
I said OK. But not drinking coffee did make it awkward to spend time with my friends. Caffeine is a drug and being around places where you take that drug can be difficult when you're trying not to consume it. I remember feeling very awkward and explaining to people that I was trying not to drink coffee, and also having an incredibly visceral reaction to coffee breath. I found it rancid. I had a particular friend I avoided for about a year because his coffee breath was just so terrible.
I know it seems like quitting coffee should have had a physical impact, but I have an intense amount of willpower so if it did, I wasn't admitting to it. I was just powering through it. But I did jump from smoking around half a pack of cigarettes to two packs a day.
I don't have a memory of "jonesing" for coffee, though. My attitude was: "This is not something I am addicted to. I never needed it and I don't need it now." I haven't been a smoker in 11 years now, but I don't have strong memories of the physical withdrawals from quitting smoking either.
There was a period when I first quit coffee where someone would say, "have a cup of coffee" and I wouldn't know how to say no. I would drink it and feel cr*p. I would feel absolutely disgusting and so ill. I would be disgusted by the taste of my own mouth, would very quickly get a stomach upset and would definitely feel overstimulated physically. It was a very noticeable reaction. Now I'm 39, and I'm so much more confident in saying, "No, I don't drink coffee."
After I quit, I had so much more money in my pocket. Those "exam sized" coffees were around $6 each, and I was drinking four a day. After I stopped working at that coffee shop I had to pay for them, so that was at least $24 a day.
I really see a noticeable difference from giving up coffee in my life now as an older adult. When you are not somebody who drinks coffee or needs coffee, you see the comparison between yourself and someone who does. My partner can't get out of bed and struggles in the morning until he has his caffeine and digests it. I am up in the morning and the moment I get out of bed I am awake. I have no need to stimulate myself; I'm always at my cognitive best.
I also don't have stomach aches and I am more settled digestively than pretty much every adult I know who drinks coffee. And, I am very regular! I do put all that down to the fact that caffeine has intense effects on your body.
I now have a 6-year-old daughter and I'm pregnant. I stopped drinking tea with caffeine when I was first pregnant, along with alcohol and I found it hard to go back to drinking either. So, I also don't drink alcohol anymore. I also don't drink any sodas. And though I was introduced to English breakfast tea in my last year of college and quite liked it, I only ever drank a couple of cups a week.
It's an odd thing how people accumulate definitive qualities. In my case, I do yoga, I don't drink coffee and I didn't have a driver's license until I was 27. The fact that I don't drink coffee is part of me; it's part of my identity. I have realized that instead of choosing to do what everyone else did, I choose to do something different.
I think people often build self care around consumption rituals; like getting our nails done, going for a drink with friends, or having a cup of coffee on the balcony before our kids get up. Those moments are hard to construct without the accouterments of modern adulthood. For example, alcohol or coffee. That's been a struggle since I gave up drinking both; working out how to find those moments of peace, that people respect, is not easy.
I see a huge amount of people on social media, for example, saying they couldn't give up coffee. We can build up this idea in our head of requirement and need around substances. To me, the most powerful thing about not drinking coffee anymore is realizing that I don't need coffee. A common comment I hear is people saying they couldn't wake up in the morning without coffee. Well, you did when you were 7-years-old.
Now, I feel a genuine freedom and confidence in my own body.
Adrienne Eiser Treeby lives in London and is the managing director of Crown & Queue, who use high-welfare, sustainably-and-regeneratively-reared pork, beef and lamb to make historical and traditional British cured meats. You can follow them on Instagram @crownandqueue.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Jenny Haward.
