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I never thought that my husband and I would leave New York. We are high-school sweethearts, originally from Texas, and it had always been our dream to live in the city. So when we finally got there, and were able to succeed in our careers and build a life there, it felt like we were doing all the things we had always wanted to do.
But in July, 2021, after we had lived in New York for almost 12 years, my husband and I moved to Portugal, with our six-year-old daughter and three-year-old son.
My husband works in the film industry and does accounting on film and TV projects. We planned to move abroad for a one-year project he was going to work on in Budapest, but then Covid and the pandemic happened and everything got put on hold and eventually canceled. We had no idea if another similar opportunity to move abroad would come around.
Mentally, we were already one foot out the door. We were ready for that new experience and that break from the city life that we had been living for so long. So we decided we would move abroad on our own, and for that move to be permanent.
Why we left America
We moved abroad for many reasons, but it was partly because things were happening around us that made us feel less safe. There was more violence and crime during the pandemic—even in our fairly safe neighborhood of Park Slope, Brooklyn. We were getting all these alerts on an app, which was new: a stabbing on this corner, a shop-owner held up at gunpoint on this street. And these things were all happening within a very small radius around us. It felt like we really had to be aware of our surroundings when we went out.
My daughter also started kindergarten in 2020, so I knew she would have to do the mandated active shooter drills. It was terrifying because not only do you hope that your child will never be attacked, but there is also no way to protect your child from the trauma of having to do those drills.
I feel it's not normal for children to have to understand that someone could break into their school and try to shoot them. As parents, we try to protect our children and keep them safe, so having to teach them how to keep themselves safe in the face of a gun is horrific.
The American political landscape at the time was also incredibly stressful. This was before the 2020 election, when we didn't know if Trump was going to be re-elected or not, and I was concerned by the divisiveness of the politics. I remember saying to my husband: "If Trump gets re-elected, we're going to have to move up our move date because I don't think we can stay if he's still in." I couldn't see a positive turn for the country if he stayed in power.
Even now, watching the politics from Portugal—the bans on abortions, which I never thought would happen in 2022—I feel like we got out at just the right time, before things really started to go downhill.
How life in Portugal differs from New York
My husband and I decided on Portugal because we'd visited twice on holiday and had fallen in love with it: the culture, the history, the amazing weather and delicious food and wine. Plus the people are so friendly, helpful and welcoming to foreigners, and there's so much to see.
We now live in Cascais, a small town on the coast that's 30 minutes away from Lisbon, so we're close enough to the big city that we can pop in whenever we want, but we get to live more of a small-town, neighborly life.
The house we rent in Portugal is about half the price of what we used to pay in New York and three times the size. Our apartment in New York was around 1,000 square feet, and a decent-sized apartment, especially for Brooklyn: it was an entire floor of a walk-up brownstone. We loved living there for six years, but we paid over $4,000 a month in rent for a place with no elevator, no washer and dryer, and no outdoor space.
Now we rent a house with three bedrooms, three bathrooms, a garden with a trampoline and a pool. There are two kitchen areas—indoor and outdoor. We have built-in closets, an en-suite bathroom, and it's a lot more spacious. It feels a lot more family-friendly; the kids have their own playroom upstairs, where they can run around and play.
We had to work so hard in New York to provide a certain lifestyle. I worked in advertising for 15 years—I am currently freelancing and writing a blog—and worked long, unpredictable hours. My husband and I were constantly rushing around, dropping the kids off at daycare and school, going to work, rushing home to pick up the kids, and squeezing in the night-time routine: dinner, bath, bedtime. We'd be so exhausted we'd just watch a bit of TV before going to bed, and then have to wake up and do it all over again.
I used to call this the hamster wheel of the week. Every day was the same. You worked really hard and then you were so exhausted that you didn't even have the energy to enjoy the weekend.
In Portugal, we have a much better lifestyle. We get to slow down and really just enjoy life, and not just work for the weekend. It's much more laid-back. My husband works from home, and his hours are more flexible, so we have time to play games with our kids in the evening and spend time with them before they go to bed.
And then we have as much time as we want to have friends over for dinner, or to watch a movie. We have tons of spontaneous playdates and get-togethers, and our best friends live two minutes away. It feels like there are more hours in the day because of the way we've structured work hours and non-work hours. It doesn't feel like we're having to hustle as much.
In New York we had friends but then once everybody started having kids and moving out of the city or going to the suburbs, we never saw each other anymore. You had to plan three months ahead if you wanted to have a coffee date with someone. I felt very isolated in the end.
Why we wouldn't return to America
Portugal is constantly ranked one of the safest countries in the world. I don't worry about guns, and I have absolutely no fears about my daughter going to school here, because it's very hard to have a gun here. You have to jump through a lot of hoops and get a lot of verifications. There are petty crimes here—cars get broken into, or there's the occasional home burglary—but we sometimes don't even lock our door at night. It feels that safe.
The kids love their school, which is a bilingual private Portuguese school. They have yoga once a week, and different after-school activities they can sign up for, like surf lessons or soccer.
When we first moved here I told my daughter we were only moving here for one year, because I didn't want to scare her. I wanted her to have time to get to know Portugal and start to enjoy it before it felt more permanent. And that's exactly what happened. Our one-year anniversary of being here was in July and, as school was ending, our daughter said, "Mommy, I love our house here more than I loved our house in Brooklyn." And we talked about going back to school, which signified being here for another year, and there was no issue at all.
There are some things I miss about living in the U.S.. I miss the ease of being able to read a packet of pasta at the grocery store, or going to a restaurant and knowing the waiter understands you. But, in general, there's a really high fluency in English here and I'm also learning Portuguese.
The main downside of living in Portugal is the bureaucracy. There's a lot of paperwork; in the States, you could just pop online and click, click, click and it's done, whereas here it might take three in-person meetings, a couple of emails and a phone call to make something happen. For instance, it took a long time to get our kids' medical ID numbers, and to exchange our drivers' licenses. You have to learn to have more patience and flexibility, and I'm still learning how to slow down.
It would take extraordinary circumstances to get me to move back to the U.S.. I wouldn't feel comfortable living there or raising my kids there at the moment, with the gun crimes and the political climate. I feel like the country has a lot of work to do.
We moved here with the intention of staying for as long as we enjoyed it. We're hoping that will be forever.
Allison Baxley is a freelance advertising creative director who lives in Portugal with her husband and their two children. She writes about expat life at renovatinglife.com.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Katie Russell.
