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Growing up in Massachusetts, I never had a major problem with my first name, but I always wanted to spell it differently. Karen struck me as neither interesting nor creative or unique, so I wanted to spell it in an odd way that was outside the norm.
I acquired the last name Gross during an early phase of my life. I had a complicated childhood, so by the time I reached my early twenties, I decided to change my family name to something which did not belong to my blood relatives.
The name Karen Gross has accorded me a remarkable career. It's a name in which I have had exceptional success in writing, public speaking and helping others through my various roles in education. But in recent years, it's become significant for all the wrong reasons.
In my opinion, the "Karen" meme has taken on a profound significance in our society. It originally referred to privileged white women, who used that privilege to denigrate others. Since then, the trope has expanded and has been used in a variety of contexts, virtually all of them negative.
It's been used as a way of describing a particular stereotypical white women, who has short, blonde hair and always pushes ahead or seeks the attention of managers, so they can get their way. They're often referred to as individuals who display unbelievable disrespect and enter into screaming matches with other people, as though that's the way to get what one wants.
I believe in the need to call out white privilege, but what troubles me is that I am none of the things that described a typical "Karen," but here I am, called Karen, still dealing with negative comments related to my name.
I first noticed my name was gaining attention, not just online but with people with whom I engaged, in 2019. I can't recall the first time I saw the "Karen" trope, but I do remember a number of people saying to me: "Bummer, your name matches a horrible meme." I thought: "Well, this is not exactly what one wants." It struck me as ironic as something as personally offensive as this was taking off socially.
Friends told me the meme seemed to be sticking, but initially I didn't believe it would last that long. It was only in 2020, when I started reading in-depth analysis about the meme in publications of considerable repute, I thought: "Hang on a second, this trend is not disappearing."
Since the meme blew up, I have had to fend off negative comments about my name constantly. I've had people, who don't know my name, say to me: "Oh that's a Karen moment" or "That's Karen behavior." I always stop and say: "Be very careful, my name is Karen and that meme is a very hurtful one. You should be cautious before you toss words around like you would a salad."
In my opinion, how you use other people's names has everything to do with their identity. I have specialized in trauma throughout my career in education and one of the things I believe is really difficult for children to handle is when their identity feels challenged.
In my eyes, your name is tied to who you are and how you view yourself. So to demean a particular name is offensive. I believe that we subscribe a host of characteristics to several names, including racial, ethnic and gender identity. Maybe we should be careful about that.
I was recently browsing social media when I came across a post which I considered to be problematic. It suggested younger students do not have the right to complain about their research experience, because they have access to the internet, which the older generation did not.
After I expressed my opinion about that particular post, I received a comment from a teacher saying: "Acting like Karen again." I think it's unbelievable that another educator would say something like that. I found it very bothersome that he could say something which was, in my view, so ill-informed.
For most of my emails and signatures, I now sign off with the letter K, instead of my first name. I recently thought about what prompted me to do that and I realized that I am just tired from the teasing, the harassment and the inferences that come from the name Karen.
I have considered changing my name, but I think that at my age, with the number of books and projects associated with "Karen Gross", maybe instead of replacing it I will just continue to use the initial.
While I am not prepared to legally change my name again, I am keen on defending how we treat people and not diminishing what one is called. The "Karen" meme reminds me of kids who get harassed or teased because their name may not sound common or maybe difficult to pronounce.
Those students feel horrible when they get teased because of their name. Yes, I am an adult. Yes, I understand that those who share the meme are not referring to me personally. But I still find it offensive and feel the phrase is often used without attention.
There's a phrase people have used for ages: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I feel that idiom is inaccurate; words can hurt and I believe we would be wise not to use certain words, including names, in a deprecatory way.
I am sufficiently old; so I am no longer scared to call people out on a misuse of my name. I suppose that with age comes a certain freedom that one might not otherwise have. Thus, I do speak up when people use my name in a derogatory way.
To me, using the meme is a mean thing to do. Some see it as harmless and funny, but I think we often don't give enough attention to the words we use and their impact on people.
I believe we would be wise as a nation and as a world to be more thoughtful in the way we refer to people, whether by name, category, status, gender, race, or ethnicity. If discussing this subject opens the door to people pausing, where they would not have paused before, when they say something about someone's name, then it's been well worth it.
Karen Gross, 70, from Cape Ann, Massachusetts, is an educator and author who served as Senior Policy Advisor to the US Department of Education in Washington. You can visit her website here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Monica Greep.
