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My role as a divorce coach began many years ago, long before I knew that I was one. I became a personal fitness instructor in my early twenties and moved to the U.K. from Sweden in 2001, when I was 26. My partner at the time was a stockbroker, so I had traveled with him as a plus one. Shortly after, we split up but remained good friends.
Originally, my plan was to stay in the U.K. to improve my English, as I was on a gap year from college; over twenty years later, I'm still in that same gap year.
Although I was hired as a personal trainer in the U.K., I would talk with my clients and be solving their issues whilst they were running on a treadmill. I soon began to realize that most people hired me not only because I helped them improve their fitness, but because I also emotionally coached them. Most of my clients were divorced and had deep-rooted traumas.
In 2005, I transitioned into emotional coaching. My role still involved fitness, but I was consciously motivating people who had low confidence. In 2006 when I was 31, I married a senior partner at a law firm and we had two beautiful children. It seemed that I had a perfect life.
In 2017, we encountered some huge issues and went to therapy in an attempt to salvage our marriage, but the marriage only became worse. For the sake of my mental health, and the two beautiful children that we have, I decided that enough was enough, and ended the marriage. The divorce proceedings took a long time. Although they started in 2017, the divorce wasn't finalized up until Spring 2020.
Going through my divorce was a very interesting time for me because I had spent years unofficially coaching women who had gone through such traumas. But when it was me in that situation, I didn't know how to act. I felt like my life was pulled apart. I had a lot of negative emotions that I didn't know how to deal with, which was ironic and I also felt that I was alone in the U.K. at the time. My divorce went all the way through to a final hearing, which involves one being cross-examined by a barrister. It was then that something shifted for me.
At my divorce hearing in 2020, I sat with my two lawyers, trainees, and a barrister. We were attempting to negotiate with the other side, going back and forth. It was a very long day, eight hours long to be precise. To keep up, I was cracking jokes, drinking tea, smoking cigarettes, and having open conversations.
That day, my legal team asked me to join them as an emotional coach for their law firm, after my divorce had been finalized. They said that my personality, humor, and my outlook on the divorce was generally positive, which seemed unusual to them. I was shocked.
Although I was distraught and crying at the time—which is normal—I went home that evening and looked up the definition of a divorce coach. I quickly realized that I had been doing this type of work with my clients for many years whilst being a fitness trainer, but wasn't charging anyone for it.
The role of a divorce coach is to help an individual move through a divorce emotionally. The goal is to turn the negative emotions that come with a divorce into something positive, whether that be helping an individual turn around their whole life, or helping them let go of a specific toxic thought based on their separation.
It was a big achievement for me, to be asked to join this law firm. After my divorce was finalized in 2020, I officially changed my title to a divorce coach. I then completed a life coaching diploma, specializing in trauma and divorce and bereavement. My role was to sit in the lawyer's office as an emotional aid. As well as offering emotional support, I also answered practical questions in regard to how one can move forward with their life following a divorce. Essentially, having me there benefited the law firm, as they could say that they had something that other law firms did not have.
I began expanding my work to other clients and law firms at the beginning of September 2022. I'm currently working with a law firm in Sweden, two law firms in the U.K., along with several others across the globe. It's often difficult because it's only me working, but I'm glad that my profession highlights both my personality and my qualifications. You really can't give that to someone else.
In 2022, I also began to create short videos that I can send to my clients to cheer them on, as I may not be available to them after work hours. I began uploading these on Instagram and TikTok. Remarkably, I have been able to reach out to so many more people on different continents. I now have clients in Canada. It's wonderful because it doesn't matter what country you are in, we all experience the same emotions. Grief is universal.
Essentially, I am helping and supporting people. In the future, I would love for my business to be a charity because this is advice and guidance that I believe everyone who is going through a divorce needs. As of now, this is my means of providing for my family.
Over the years, I've learned that a divorce can happen to anyone. But I often see that the majority of breakdowns occur because of a breakdown in communication. Someone may not have communicated that they have fallen out in love, that they are unwell, or that they may have an issue with the sexual side of their marriage.
During a divorce, one experiences a rollercoaster of emotions. Naturally, I believe that there is a pattern; one would usually start feeling shocked and in denial, accompanied by anger, then, they feel sadness and depression, before beginning to accept the divorce. I find that personally, some become stuck in their anger.
To coach others, I had to look back at my own divorce. I could say that it was all my husband's fault, but it takes two to tango. Why did he feel that he wanted to leave me? Was I the best wife? Did we have the best communication?
It is most common for me to see marriages breaking down when couples are in their mid-forties or early fifties. The reason for that, I think, is because most of their children are in their teenage years and working through their emotional traumas. On top of that, you have mom and dad not getting on. Some of my clients have kids who attend boarding school, so when the children are not at home anymore and it's just the spouses, the cracks within the marriage begin to show.
Right now, we are approaching what I call the "season of gloom." In the U.K., where I work, it begins in September and lasts until April, through fall, winter and in the colder months of Spring. Seasonal depression can begin to kick in, the clouds are gray and it's rainy. Often, you don't have much to look forward to. On top of that, there's the financial and emotional strain of Christmas when everyone's supposed to be happy. After the buzz of Christmas, I find that some people say that they can't cope with their marriage anymore.
One piece of advice that I would give a client who is going through a divorce is that It's okay to be in survival mode. And every day when you wake up, it's okay to say: bloody well done me. I did one day, I didn't die. No one died. But I also would say, seek advice, seek help. Don't be afraid to talk because when you hold everything in, it may become worse.
Also, it is good to see the positives in every situation. I said to a client the other day: "At least you don't need to pick stained boxers off the floor anymore." That's a win! There are always positives to a situation. So, my role is to be a cheerleader without the pom poms, perhaps, and to make sure that that individual is grieving healthily. It's also to allow the person to move forward and reflect on their own part in the break up, in order for them to grow.
I look back at my divorce and now believe that it was a win-win situation for me. My pain became my purpose. I can now not only use my experience, but my sense of humor to help people smile through the day because whilst going through the trauma of separation, it is always a roller coaster of hell. But in any trauma, you can find something that's positive.
Petra Brunzell is a divorce coach based in the U.K. She currently works alongside several law firms, supporting them and their clients. You can find her on TikTok here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Carine Harb.
