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I have wanted to push my husband in front of a freight train. Well, no, not really. But surely, if we are brave enough to admit it, how often have those of us who are married, or in long term relationships, experienced rageful feelings towards our partner that lead to these kinds of common thoughts.
In essence, we experience a sense of "hate." While many folks prefer to deny they experience this feeling, especially towards their loved ones, it is undeniably true that "hate" is one of the gamut of emotions we experience as humans.
As a sex therapist, I am familiar with the term "normal marital hatred" coined by relationship therapist Terry Real. And, as a married person myself, his description of how "real marriage comes the day you realize that this person [your spouse] is exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into your eyeball" in a recent interview with The Sunday Times, resonates with me. I have to agree that no one more than your partner is able to evoke such dark thoughts and feelings. And I am not alone, I see many of my clients experiencing the same strong emotions and feelings of dislike towards their spouses.
How do you spot "marital hatred"?
When I am working with a couple or an individual, "marital hatred" becomes most obvious when they discuss behaviors and actions between them, such as the vindictive throwing away of a special item, or even the passive aggressive "forgetting" of a special date. Marital hatred can be obvious through sexual withholding or what has been described as "sexual intimacy anorexia" which is avoiding intimacy altogether.
My client Benjamin* shut down with his partner both intimately and sexually. His disappointment and sadness at their unresolved issues turned into anger and resentment. He admitted that his desire for his partner had become stifled and his libido had diminished. He wouldn't even engage in intimate conversation much less physical or sexual touch. In the end, Benjamin realized through our work together that his withholding was also starving himself of the connection and intimacy he needed for his own emotional healing.
In sessions, marital hatred can often be most easily observed through my clients' body language and facial expressions. These often reveal our emotions before we consciously permit them to. It is in those moments where I might explore the meaning of the look on their face, the rolling of the eyes, or the clenching of a jaw or a fist.
What causes anger or hatred in a generally happy marriage?
I always try to normalize anger with my clients by explaining that it is an emotion that will always show up, even in the happiest of marriages. Then, I try to work with them to understand that anger is a secondary emotion usually rooted in a deeper, more vulnerable feeling such as rejection, disappointment, or fear. Marriage is one of the most intimate of relationships we experience, which means that your spouse will have access to some of the most delicate parts of you.
In my work as a therapist, I have learned that those delicate and tender parts may be connected to what Real refers to as the "wounded child." When we are triggered, we can react automatically as that inner child may have reacted then. This can look like an emotional explosion, loaded with words and actions that later may be regretted.
In a session recently, my client Mia* was describing a heated argument she had just had with her spouse. After shouting "I hate you!" she had yanked off her wedding band and violently thrown it out of the car window. As she recalled the argument in session she asked me: "How did we even get here?" Mia was surprised at her own feelings of hatred and at her behavior; for so long she prided herself on being "happily married." The work here was helping Mia to make space for all of her feelings, tolerate the discomfort of them and hold space for the tension of feelings of both love and hate within her marriage.
I encouraged her to stay with the feelings which she bravely identified as fear, sadness, anger and finally rage. In her fight, flight or freeze response she reacts by fighting, which she expressed as "hate." Why? It's simple, she felt threatened. As humans, our sympathetic nervous system cues us to danger whether it is real or perceived and we activate either fight, flight, or freeze. Mia, having past experiences of emotional trauma, was heightened in her reaction to anything that felt even remotely threatening. Her automatic response was to fight and protect. She and I began trauma work to help ease this heightened sense of fear.
How does it affect the relationship and sex life?
Many married folks I see as a therapist are uncomfortable with their feelings of hatred, particularly if it is targeted at their spouse. I often explain that if these feelings are not explored and processed, they can lead to sadness, fear, and ultimately shame at having feelings of hatred towards someone they love. In these unprocessed situations, folks can become depressed and isolated within themselves. I have worked with people who have shut down and become avoidant, in many instances because of their fear of their own aggression. Although this isn't true of every couple who is experiencing feelings of hatred towards a partner, I have seen it play out in at least 70 percent of couples I have worked with. Shame keeps people in hiding.
This avoidance inevitably trickles into the bedroom where expression of sexuality may come to a screeching halt. This was true of my client Benjamin. He felt so ashamed of his own feelings that he internalized and became self-punitive. He withheld intimacy from his partner, ultimately denying his own need for intimacy and sexual connection, too.
Is it possible to fix the issue of "marital hatred"?
The quick answer is yes, but the work of "fixing" is not always so quick. Part of you can love deeply and another part of you can hate deeply, and sometimes toward the same person. I suggest to my clients that it's important to be able to embrace all parts of ourselves in our relationship with ourselves, as well as in our relationships with others. This can take time.
These are some measures I often take with clients to address some of the marital hatred they might be experiencing:
1) Know thyself!
In early conversations with my clients, I encourage them to go further within and explore the darker parts of themselves. Of course, this does not mean acting on negative emotions or thoughts. In fact, I would say to anyone who experiences a lot of anger that it is important to seek professional help to process it and understand where it is coming from. With that, comes greater awareness, understanding, self-empathy, and self-compassion.
2) Take a break!
When the mind and body are experiencing a rush of negative emotion, I always suggest my clients take a "time out" and self-soothe. I often discuss self-care with my clients as I believe it is paramount in warding off anxiety and depression.
In heightened situations, I recommend it even more enthusiastically. This can look like going for a walk or listening to music. Some clients need the opportunity to check out mentally, for example, taking a nap, watching a TV show or exercising. In the case of my client Mia, we came up with an alternative self-soothing tactic to help release some of her aggression. Now she uses a stress ball or pillow if she needs to throw something. It's working.
This space for yourself means you will likely return to the conversation when you're more able to listen and empathize with your partner, while also holding an empathetic space for yourself.
3) Return to intimacy
Physical and intimate connection releases the wonderful bonding hormone, oxytocin. After experiencing such heightened emotions such as hate, it is critical to return to love through healing. Healing can takes place in connection. This could be intimacy that looks like a cuddle, or sexual gesture, or a prolonged hug. I encourage my clients to make that happen, and try to make it happen quickly!
The impact and effectiveness of closeness and connection is undeniable. Mia and her partner have created a schedule to connect intimately and sexually. No matter what is going on in their lives, they stick to this commitment and these scheduled days of connection even, and especially after, they have had some conflict. This has helped enormously to repair their relationship, and it has even helped them communicate better.
Ultimately, every relationship and marriage is different. But negative feelings, as long as they don't progress into anything more aggressive, are a normal part of being human.
Gwen Butler LCSW, CST is an AASECT certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health and pleasure. She offers individual and couples counseling and workshops at her private practice in Long Island, New York. Her book Indulge: 25 Indulgences to Unlock your Sensual Self is available here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
*Names have been changed.
