Childhood Sweethearts Forced To Defend Relationship Over Woman's Disability

Megan and Jake DeJarnett have been married for 12 years. They were high school sweethearts—but when people see the couple out and about, that's not what they think their story is.

"There's a lot of misconceptions of our relationship," Megan DeJarnett told Newsweek. "Many people will just view Jake as the hero for basically taking care of me and loving me, just because I'm in a wheelchair."

She was born with spinal muscular atrophy type II, a genetic condition that causes muscles to weaken over time, and has used an electric wheelchair since she was 4.

Her husband is nondisabled and the assumptions people make about their marriage would be familiar to many couples in interabled relationships. There are more of those relationships than you might think. One in four adults in the United States—almost 70 million people—have some type of disability.

Newsweek spoke to two couples to find out how they deal with people who assume their lover is their carer and how, if at all, a disability can affect a romantic relationship.

It's 50/50—We Both Do Our Share

Megan DeJarnett and her husband are equal partners, she said, each using their strengths to make up for the other's weaknesses—much like any other couple.

"People just assume that because I'm in a wheelchair I have all the needs, but if you want to ask my husband, he'll tell you that it's very much a 50/50 relationship and that we've both put hard work into it.

"Everybody has something to give no matter what your disability or abilities, or relationship paths. No matter what you're coming into the relationship with, everyone has something to offer.

"It's just a matter of finding out what your guys' strengths are and lean into those. We've learned this early on. My husband and I run our own business together and we share responsibilities based on what we can do better."

She added: "I do all of the administrative work and bookkeeping and I help keep him on schedule and calendaring and those kinds of things. He might do some of the more physical things and that is what a healthy balance looks like."

As in any relationship, DeJarnett said, the most important element is communication and having a clear understanding of each other's needs and how to meet them.

The Most Challenging Part is People's Assumptions

Elyse Rucker and Jason Flynn are newlyweds compared to the DeJarnetts—they married only last September. Like the other couple, husband and wife contribute equally to the relationship, though some minor adjustments were needed because Flynn has cerebral palsy and hearing loss.

Rucker, a speech therapist from Arkansas, told Newsweek: "We use different modes of communication because Jason is hard of hearing. Because of his physical disability, he is unable to do a few things that I help with. For the most part, we are just a normal couple. We make adjustments based on need. It's like second nature now and I hardly give it a second thought."

She added: "I help with some physical tasks that Jason is unable to do. We use ASL and spoken English to communicate. He helps with a lot of stuff around the house— laundry, dishes, etc—because I work away from home. It's the same [as any other relationship], we just have a few modifications to our daily lives to accommodate his needs."

The couple "hit it off" as soon as they started chatting and Rucker said she knew Flynn was the one after their first meeting. As they approach their first wedding anniversary, "the most challenging aspect is definitely other people's perceptions and assumptions about us," she said.

"People assume Jason is my brother or that he's mentally incompetent, or that I'm his 'helper.' Some people can't see him, a disabled person, as capable of being in a romantic relationship.

"Multiple strangers have asked us if he's my brother, called him a 'big boy,' asked if we have sex, etc. It's honestly maddening."

Rucker wants all those people to know that disabled does not mean less than. "Just because someone is disabled does not bar them from being a wonderful and worthy partner. Disabled individuals deserve love too. Don't make assumptions because someone is disabled. Learn from the disabled community, listen to the disabled community."

For other couples in interabled relationships, she has a simple piece of advice. "Keep on! It's not easy. People will disagree and ridicule you, but if your relationship is worth it, keep on."