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A woman is asking the internet for advice after telling her boyfriend, and his mother, that she does not want to accept a family heirloom as her engagement ring.
Reddit user Morethanmine33 wrote in the "Am I The A**Hole" forum in a post that has been voted on over 6,000 times and has a top comment that has accumulated over 12,000 votes.
Brides.com said that it's important to gauge a partner's feelings about heirloom rings before making the final decision. Southern Living said another important factor is considering why an heirloom ring feels like the right choice.
"Is it because you have fond memories of time spent with your great aunt, or is it because her diamond was a flawless three-carat oval?" Liz Bryant, president and founder of Liz Bryant Business Etiquette told the magazine.
Though either answer is valid, Bryant advised, the emotional cost of using a family ring is important to think about.
For the Redditor, her pushback about the ring is related to the ring's history—and its previous owner.
The ring, which was originally her future mother-in-law's engagement ring, was given to the poster's boyfriend, Adam's, sister-in-law as her engagement ring when she wed his brother. They have since divorced leaving the Redditor with a bad taste in her mouth.
"Adam was excited with the idea but I was uncomfortable solely by the fact that this ring was proposed with more than once and also it belonged to my former [sister-in-law] for years and she had memories attached to it," the Redditor wrote. "I feel like [that] ring already had more than one love story and I feel I have the right to wear a ring that represents our relationship and one that belongs to me and Adam."
After hearing about her opinion on the matter, the Redditor's future-mother-in-law asked to meet with her to discuss the situation. She said it was "a must" for her son to use the ring, being the youngest, and called the Redditor disrespectful for taking issue with it given its "high sentimental value."
"After basically shaming & wearing me down for hours about it I flatout told her that is between me and Adam but he agreed with her and said my logic don't [sic] make sense."
She wrote that her boyfriend compared the matter to an apartment, asking her if she wouldn't live in an apartment just because someone else had before. She said the two were not the same and felt the ring should be a "symbol" of their love
"[M]y statement was met with a 'I don't get it. you really think a ring is more important than us being on the same page and understanding each other? Besides, that's what my mom want [sic] and to be completely honest with you here, I'm just trying to keep the peace and stay on her good side which what you should be doing TOO right now instead of already starting an unnecessary drama and setting a bad tone for your relationship with mom,'" she wrote.
Commenters backed the Redditor saying her boyfriend's actions showed a glimpse into how their relationship will be for years to come.
"NTA and you can see how this relationship is going to go forever...His mother will always be more important than you, and he will appease her anytime she starts drama," one commenter wrote. "The fact he is explicitly putting in these terms already shows he knows she will. Is this something you're prepared to deal with for the rest of your life?"
"[I] have no problem with inherited engagement rings but the way this ring is being pushed on OP and the fact that she has to like it because MIL dictates it so is giving me pause as to whether OP's fiance will ever be able to draw healthy boundaries with MIL," another wrote.
The Redditor ended her post by saying when asking her boyfriend why he thought his mom's opinion was equal or of more importance than hers he got offended.
"[He] said I was insulting his mom and he won't let me do that next time," she wrote. "He refused to discuss it any further saying this was a ridiculous hill for me to choose to die on and should be honored to be given the opportunity to hold on to something as valuable as his mom's engagement ring."
One commenter wrote, "NTA, run. He's already married to his Mother."
Newsweek contacted Morethanmine33 for comment.
