Man Bashed for Saying Late Wife Wasn't 'Love of His Life' but New Wife Is

The internet has slammed a man for saying that his late wife wasn't the "love of his life," but his new wife is.

Published on Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole forum, a man under the anonymous username u/AITA_27744 shared his story to receive feedback from the "AITA" community. The viral post has over 8,000 upvotes and 1,000 comments.

"My late wife passed away 6 years ago, we dated for 4 years and were married for 1 before her passing," the original poster (OP) began, "My mom loved her as a daughter since I'm her only child and I guess she never truly recovered, I loved my late wife too, but after meeting and spending time with my current wife, I'm sure she was not the love of my life."

He explained how his mother "never liked" his relationship with his current wife-to-be, "Helena." She doesn't believe that his love for Helena is "bigger and truer" than his late wife. The OP thought his mom has crossed the line many times but Helena wants to be accepted so she told him to let it pass and not do anything about it.

The OP's mother compares his previous wedding to his new one. He married his late wife when he was young and couldn't afford an extravagant wedding whereas, at his new wedding, he was financially stable enough to afford better things.

His mother asked if he could invite his late wife's parents. He turned down her request, saying that there was no reason for them to be in his life.

The OP wrote, "I felt like my mom had hold onto my previous marriage too hard, refusing to let go and inviting me to do the same. As bad as it sounds, I was done, I want to be with Helena without the burden of always having my ex-in laws there, watching the life her daughter and I did not have.

"During the wedding day, my mom actually showed up with them, I asked what they're doing there and they, very ashamed, said that my mother had invited them and they thought it was okay. My mom said they're 'my family' and I had a duty toward them, I said they could stay for the reception to avoid comments, but that I hadn't invited them and that I was sorry. I looked to my mom and said 'You're not allowed to stay to anything. Leave, we will talk later'. She cried and begged, but I asked her again to leave, in the end, the three of them left together," he continued.

Newsweek reached out to u/AITA_27744 for comment.

Tips on how to help a loved one through the grieving process

"The first thing to remember when someone is grieving is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that everyone grieves differently, even over the same loss," Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Melissa Boudin told Newsweek.

Boudin offered a number of tips, including being sure to respect people's different ways of grieving. She also said that it was important to listen while not necessarily giving advice or trying to explain the death—like saying someone is "in a better place" after passing.

It's important to help them honor the person who died, as well, with Boudin suggesting a memory book, writing a story, creating a memorial or getting involved with a cause important to the deceased. Sometimes people throw themselves into chores and tasks, and it can be good to help them out with those, in order to give them space to grieve. And, of course, if they need more help, help the person find a professional or support groups for those who have lost a loved one.

Licensed mental health counselor, Kristen Souza told Newsweek sometimes those who are grieving can feel guilt over feeling happiness while they might feel that they should be sad all the time over the loss.

"If there is one tip I can share with someone in the thick of grief, it's that you're allowed to feel different emotions at the same time. It's okay to work through your grief while simultaneously feeling pockets of joy throughout the day," Souza said. "You can hold space for your feelings of grief while also feeling happy at the same time."

However, Souza urges people to find professional help if they're still unable to function due to their grief after six months.

She echoed Boudin's tip about not saying things like "they're in a better place," saying that phrases like that "are actually dismissing your feelings with toxic positivity."

"Identify people in your life that will sit in those uncomfortable feelings with you and offer real unconditional support," she concluded.

Redditor reactions

"Judging just on the wedding situation: [not the a**hole]. But you do sound kind of callous speaking about your late wife like that, almost like it was convenient that she passed so you could move on to find your 'true love.' Both you and your mom need therapy. And OP you did need to treat your ex in laws better, they were unwittingly brought into this situation by your mom and had no idea," u/lizzylou365 wrote, receiving the top comment of 18,000 upvotes.

U/queenlegolas said, "[Not the a**hole] for kicking out your mom but [You're the a**hole] for the way you speak about your late wife You moved on but this should not be a comparison game at all, you're cruel to the dead. You're willingly tainting good memories with her, almost sounds like you're overcompensating for your new wife because maybe you feel guilty on some level. But your comments about your you late wife are unwarranted."

"[Everyone sucks here], except your poor ex-in-laws. Look, man, you want to act like your first marriage was an unfortunate side adventure on the road to the 'real love of your life,' neither your mom nor anyone else can stop you. She certainly can't invite people to your wedding without your permission, regardless of who they are. But boy, do I hope you and your late wife didn't have kids you've conveniently neglected to mention, because you don't have to make it this blatantly obvious to the people who do still miss her how little you don't," u/mm172 explained.

"[Everyone sucks here] You make your late first wife sound like a stepping stone, and that you're too good for your previous set of in-laws now that you've moved onwards and upwards. Cold-blooded, but that said, withholding a wedding invite is not necessarily poor form, if after the time elapsed you no longer had a relationship with them, and didn't want to set that precedent. Your mother was definitely way out of line. Still, congratulations and I hope you got what you wished for," u/Ok_Upstairs5713 commented.

Update 10/04/2022: The article was updated to feature quotes from Dr. Melissa Boudin and Kristen Souza.