Man Dragged for Leaving Wife Alone With Relatives She Doesn't Know or Like

A man with the "bad habit" of changing plans at the last minute is being dragged after a viral Reddit post called him out for his latest stunt.

The original poster (OP), u/Soft_Thing_3385, earned over 4,300 upvotes and 500 comments for her post to the popular r/AmITheA**hole subreddit, "[Would I Be the A**hole] if I leave for a hotel until he gets back?"

She says that when her husband changes plans, he expects her to "roll with it," regardless of whatever it is. Whenever this happens, he says he just found out about the changes, but when pressed, he'll admit he knew about them for ages and just didn't tell her. The majority of these seem to be work-related, where he leaves for business trips without much notice, or even extends or changes long-planned vacations to accommodate them.

"In isolation it might not be a huge deal but we have kids that I'm left to take care of, and (this is the biggest factor for me) he frequently leaves his relatives behind at the house with me. I do not like this," u/Soft_Thing_3385 wrote, adding that she's an introvert who likes her privacy—and her husband knows this.

"I value my space, don't particularly get along with his relatives, and because over time it has become such a consistent thing that we've had huge fights about it, so he has no way to pretend he thinks I'm okay with it," she continued.

The problems came to a head this week. For a month, the couple had been planning to have a number of his relatives over for a long visit. Though she says she'd rather not have this happen, she knows his family means a lot to him. Besides, when he's with them, it makes the dynamic much more comfortable between them all.

But the day before his relatives are due to arrive, he announces that he's got another business trip the following week, only days after they're scheduled to get in. Again, he initially said he didn't know about it until too late, but eventually came clean that the work trip was planned a month ago—or about the same time as they were planning his family's visit.

"So now he's about to leave me with virtually no notice with a number of his relatives, most of whom I do not know. And the one relative I do know well I do not get along with," u/Soft_Thing_3385 wrote.

Tired of this behavior, she said that if he goes off on this trip leaving her with his relatives again, she's just going to check in to a hotel while he's gone. He said she couldn't, as that would offend his relatives.

"I'm tired of being pushed into uncomfortable situations and I'm considering making this my hill to die on and leaving anyways," she said. "Clearly just talking to him about me not being ok with this pattern is going nowhere and I don't see how it's reasonable that he keep backing me into uncomfortable situations."

Though OP admits that her husband is right that it would "look shady at best and rude at worst" if she goes through this plan, she's still considering it because his latest business trip was sprung on her with no warning.

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax dealt with a similar problem in a 2019 column. The letter-writer said she has the same problem as u/Soft_Thing_3385, where her husband makes plans but doesn't tell her. In this case, he and his sister planned a summer trip for their two families—and his sister even spent hundreds of dollars preparing.

However, because he didn't tell his wife about this until it was too late, she had already made unbreakable plans and couldn't go on the trip. Since his wife and child couldn't come, he doesn't want to go either—but left it to her to break the news to his sister.

Hax immediately asked why this was the letter-writer's mess to clean up and not his—and told her she shouldn't worry about not "throwing" her husband "under the bus."

"The sunniest interpretation is that he threw himself under this bus, but I could also argue, since this is your third or fourth time fixing things, that your husband's the one throwing you," Hax wrote. She also suggested a shared, online calendar, so everyone knows what's planned.

Reddit was solidly on u/Soft_Thing_3385's side.

"[Not the A**hole]. You contact the relatives and tell them that unfortunately his job has make a last minute change and hubby isn't going to be here. They need to cancel the trip or make alternative sleeping arrangements," u/PeteyPorkchops wrote in the top-rated comment, earning over 10,800 upvotes. "Put your foot down. He knows what he's doing."

"OP should leave before the day they are supposed to arrive/hubby is supposed to leave, with phone switched off. This would leave hubby in the position of either cancelling the trip or calling his relatives if not both," u/ProfileElectronic suggested. "Why should she be the one who carries bad news."

"My ex used to spring stuff like this on me all the time. I even met his parents without knowing that's what was happening till the last second. I like your response, sometimes repeating a statement like that is the only way to drum into a person that what they're doing isn't your problem. My go-to statement for my ex was 'well ain't that some s**t,'" u/greensickpuppy89 wrote.

"He triple whammied you. He invited family to stay for a prolonged trip, knowing you don't love it. He deliberately lied to you about his work travel, which you have previously asked him not to do and he continues to do. And now he wants to leave you alone in a situation where you are viscerally uncomfortable, that he himself created," u/ImaginaryAnts wrote. "Stand your ground. And when your husband says his family will be offended, explain that they will be. But that you expect them to be less so, after HE tells them that HE has a long history of lying to you and springing things on you at the last minute, that you have expressed this to him many times, and HE did it again."

"[Not the A**hole]. Pack a bag and go to a hotel. Tell him that he can figure it out. Yes, it's short notice. Yes. It sucks. Remind him that this is EXACTLY how he makes you feel when he constantly disregards you and fails to take you into account. Then actually go and leave him to deal with the chaos that ensues," u/Ok_Double9430 wrote.

Newsweek reached out to u/Soft_Things_3385 for comment.