Mom-to-Be Bashed for Backtracking on Promise To Let Kids Take Dad's Name

A mom-to-be is facing criticism for reneging on her promise to give her children her husband's last name.

The father of the child, u/throwaway_lastname2 took to Reddit to determine if his request was wrong by asking the popular r/AmITheA**hole forum. He earned over 4,200 upvotes and 2,300 comments for his post.

The original poster (OP) says that he and his wife are both 36 years old, and had been together for nine years, with seven of those spent married. While they were still dating, they hashed out their dealbreakers for the relationship. One of her dealbreakers was that she not be forced to take her husband's last name when they married.

Though OP says that it's an "outdated" concept, he was disappointed she didn't want to take his name, as he loves his name and wanted to pass it down to their kids. He agreed that she wouldn't have to take his name if he got to give his kids his last name.

When they moved in together, two months later, he brought up the last name issue again, and she again agreed. They had another dealbreaker discussion to reiterate everything, and he said that his desire to give their kids his name was the only thing he didn't compromise on.

"It was so important to me that I got a scrap piece of paper (my niece had drawn a picture on the back) and got her to write down she agreed, date and sign it. I know it would not be legal it was more a symbolic gesture to show how important it was to me and I was serious," u/throwaway_lastname2 wrote.

Now, they're expecting a baby this November and are in the process of picking out baby names. OP's wife vetoed one of his suggestions because it didn't go with her last name. This reasoning shocked OP, as they had agreed the children would have his last name.

"She said she thought about it and thought that they should have her last name because she liked it, wanted to pass it down, and I should now change my last name to hers," he wrote.

OP balked at this, saying that they had discussed this multiple times and that it was the only thing he had insisted on. She replied saying that it's "outdated thinking," to which OP admittedly agreed, but she also said there would be confusion at school otherwise.

When OP showed her the fake contract she'd signed, she said it meant nothing because people change their mind. Though OP says he won't leave her over this, he feels "betrayed on a level I have never felt and am truly upset." While he was at work, she texted him, telling him he could come home when he "stopped being stupid."

In a followup comment, he made a few clarifications, adding that not only did she sign the contract, she wrote it. He also said that he was going to toss out the piece of paper at the time of signing, but kept it because there were a few other notes she had written on it.

"My last name is important to me because of its history. I know you can be called something else and still have this connection, but to me seeing the name has always filled me with pride about my families past," he wrote. "There was no yelling but things were getting heated so I decided to leave as not to escalate. As for [the] 'stupid' message she gets like that during arguments, but this time it hurt as I don't see this topic as stupid nor are my feelings."

While it can be a difficult conversation, discussing each other's relationship dealbreakers is a wise and important thing to do. They're the things that are resolute rules in a relationship, and should be kept to the most important things—but, as advice columnist Dan Savage writes, "if you have more than five dealbreakers, you are the dealbreaker."

Given that they are so important, a dealbreaker should be treated as sacrosanct, and should a partner's dealbreaker conflict with the other's, it should be discussed early. OP and his wife did this correctly—they revealed all their dealbreakers and figured out compromises. However, once a couple figures out those compromises, they must be kept to, and backtracking on one is a definite red flag.

Redditors took the OP's side.

"Why not have a double-barrelled last name if you and your wife don't have the same surname?" u/ZonkedTheBoy asked in the top-rated comment with 9,800 upvotes. The OP clarified that they had discussed this years ago, but dismissed the idea of a hyphenated name due to their names both having the same first and last letter.

"'Come back when you decide to stop being stupid' is what sealed the deal for thinking this was calculated/she is being an a**hole," u/stumblios wrote. "At the very least, she could acknowledge that this is an adjustment for OP since they literally had a written agreement. But nope, she went straight to my way is right and OP is dumb for not immediately accepting that."

"I actually agree. It also sounds like thus far he's always been the one compromising or giving in, so it kinda sounds like she's one of those my way or the highway sort of people," u/maggienetism wrote.

"This!! If you love someone and have even a modicum of respect for them, you'd have a discussion about the topic knowing how important it was to them and that YOU are the one whose feelings changed in the situation," u/Disastrous_Reality_4 wrote. "The fact that she casually and unilaterally just decided this without so much as a conversation about it makes her [the a**hole] in my book. OP's [Not the A**hole] for his reaction at all."

"I'd still put her as the [a**hole] for changing the agreement. He seems more malleable and will compromise but to just change your mind at the end is horrible. She agreed during a deal breaker conversation. If she said how she really felt back then, would they still be together?" u/EfficientIndustry423 added.

Newsweek reached out to u/throwaway_lastname2 for comment.