Mom Demanding Her Boyfriend Covers All Utility Bills Backed: 'Fair'

A post about a mother questioning whether it would be "fair" to ask her partner to cover all the house bills has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.

In a post shared on Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum under the username twinklestarin, the mom, who shares a three-year-old son and five-month-old with her partner, said she earns around £550 ($674) per month, while her partner works full time and earns around £200 to £250 ($245-$306) per day.

"Considering that my partner earns considerably more than I do, would it be fair if I asked him to cover all the bills, and with the money I earn I can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself," the user asked.

According to a June 2020 report by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), "Childcare costs can substantially weaken employment incentives for parents. On average across OECD countries, a low-paid single mother, who takes up full-time work, loses almost two-thirds of her in-work earnings to childcare costs, taxes, and the loss of social benefits."

A June 2008 study in the peer-reviewed journal Family Relations found that 73 percent of married couples and 52 percent of cohabiting couples "combine all their money."

According to the study, three-quarters of cohabiting couples and 83 percent of married couples "keep their money separate but split household and child expenses 50-50."

The study also cited previous research that found couples who have children together may be more likely to share their money than couples who do not.

The user in the latest Mumsnet post said that while she could earn more, "it's hard to do more due to juggling the home and children."

She said her partner expects her to contribute towards "all the bills, food shopping, and anything related to the kids." And by the time she has done her part, she has either "a very small amount of money" or none at all for herself, according to the user.

"Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just don't have much money left," she said.

Shmuel Shayowitz, president and chief lending officer of Approved Funding, a privately held national mortgage banker and direct lender, told Newsweek: "We often recommend that partners maintain separate bank accounts and one joint bank account. Through their joint account, they each contribute an agreed-upon portion of their earnings to be used for mutual housing expenses. The amount need not be equal, and that is a conversation each household has to have."

Emma Mankey Hide, a relationship expert and creator of the interactive online dating game show "The Game Show of Love," told Newsweek: "The unfortunate fact is that, based on statistical probability, the man is likely doing almost none of the childcare—and unfortunately that would probably be the case even if the woman was working full time."

The relationship expert said "it's very unfair" of the partner to expect the poster to contribute to the bills in this situation and leave no money for herself. "If he were a stay-at-home dad making almost no money, I'm sure he would be livid if he was expected to contribute to the bills."

The expert said that while the user in the latest post "shouldn't have to contribute at all," there is a compromise that she often suggests to couples with disproportionate incomes.

"You take the lower earner's income and figure out how many times more than that the higher earner is earning. In this case, the woman makes around £550, which means the man earns a little over eight times more than she does. Then you take all of your bills and divide it by nine and the woman pays 1/9th of the bills and the man pays 8/9ths.

"That said, even 1/9th of the bills could easily eat that up so I still think the man should let it go and cover the bills since she is covering another area of their joint life on her own (the childcare). Frankly, the male partner isn't really seeing this as a partnership from the sounds of it and he is devaluing childcare," Hide added.

Several users on Mumsnet were critical of the original poster's partner, noting that his "stinginess is a massive red flag."

User TheGoodEnoughWife said: "Bill him for childcare or as someone else suggested tell him you are going back to work and the childcare costs needs splitting. This is so common but so totally unfair that blokes don't seem to take into account how much you are saving the family in childcare cost..."

User Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead said: "He sounds like an a*** quite frankly. Must be nice to have a partner who does the vast majority of the parenting (probably the housework) and is also expected to pay more than they can afford for the privilege."

Aquamarine1029 said: "I think your partner's stinginess is a massive red flag. Your relationship doesn't sound like a partnership at all."

AndyWarholsPiehole wrote: "A decent partner wouldn't expect you to contribute in your circumstance..."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.