Pregnant Woman Banning Mother-in-Law From Birth After a 'Mistake' Backed

A post about a mother-in-law who revealed the gender of her unborn grandchild to "everyone" before her pregnant daughter-in-law was informed of it has gone viral on Reddit, where it received over 16,000 upvotes.

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A****** subforum, user TAjustTas said just days before her baby gender reveal party, "my SIL [sister-in-law] confessed that she let it slip to my MIL [mother-in-law] and she told everyone the sex of the baby after knowing, because she couldn't hold it...the party was canceled and I was heartbroken...

"Usually they accompanied me to the ultrasound, shopping for the baby's room and my MIL would stay at the time of delivery. But after this breach of trust, I stopped inviting them...I didn't even send them the baby shower invite, because I really avoided contact with them as much as possible. Because everyone knew before me that it was a boy."

In-law relationships can be tricky to navigate at the best of times, let alone during a challenging period such as a pregnancy.

A study published in June 2021 in the peer-reviewed journal Frontiers in Sociology stated: "There is a cross-culturally ubiquitous characterization of in-law relationships that is very different, namely that they are tense at best, and toxic at worst.

"In-laws and their 'meddling' rank high among the sources of conflict in contemporary marriages, often higher than such potential flash points as financial issues or mismatched values."

Studies have shown that a woman's mental health status during pregnancy can impact the development of the unborn child.

A September 2019 study in the peer-reviewed journal Frontiers in Psychology states: "There is growing evidence that even milder forms of maternal stress or anxiety during pregnancy affect the fetus causing possible long-term consequences for infant and child development.

"Recent studies underline the long-term influence on a variety of developmental domains in the offspring, such as metabolic functioning, cognitive and emotional development."

A 2011 study in the peer-reviewed Indian Journal of Psychiatry stated that "growing evidence also suggests that antenatal mental health problems can be a precursor for subsequent mental health problems in a woman's life."

The user in the latest Reddit post, who lost both of her parents to the COVID pandemic, said the gender reveal party was important to her as it was to be held in honor of her late mother. "She always dreamed of having grandchildren...I always wanted to have a gender reveal with my mom there and I didn't have either," she wrote.

The original poster said: "At no time did I say that I would never approach them [her mother-in-law and sister-in-law] again. But RIGHT NOW, I don't see myself doing that. I already have grief, pregnancy hormones, and day-to-day stress to deal with so I don't want anything else to bother me."

She told her husband, who said she was "too hard" on her mother-in-law, "if you keep pushing me, it won't just be your mother who won't be [at] my labor. So either stop or you won't come in."

Lack of Boundaries and Support

Michelle Shivers, a licensed family and marriage therapist and counselor, told Newsweek: "Many factors matter in this story. This lady always wants a gender reveal [party] and has the right to know the gender of a child before others."

While her sister-in-law may have "accidentally" revealed the gender, her mother-in-law chose to let everyone know before the original poster, "which is wrong," Shivers said.

The original poster should have "set boundaries with her in-laws" when she started a relationship with her husband. "Unfortunately, she did not do that, which caused this," Shivers said.

The woman is "also dealing with stress as she is pregnant...she needs care and support. It is her husband's fault if he is not supporting her."

Communication Is Key

Shivers said: "This problem can only be solved with discussion," and the original poster's current behavior of not inviting the in-laws to anything "can also create more conflict."

She said the original poster had "the right to know about the gender before everyone" and should ask her in-laws why they did what they did.

"Maybe she is not in the state to accept their explanation," but she should try to listen, and also "let her in-laws know what she expects and how much she is hurt."

Shivers also said the original poster "can deny her in-laws" of being allowed at the birth but "her husband also has the right to present in the labor room."

The therapist also questioned "if this mistake was done by her mother or sister, would it be a big problem? No."

"It is a problem of acceptance. Maybe she [the original poster] is still getting ready to talk, but she has to be prepared for discussion," because in her current situation of being pregnant, she cannot hold onto "lots of stress."

The In-Laws Made a Choice, Not a Mistake

Several Redditors sided with the original poster, sharing messages of support.

In a comment that got over 26,000 upvotes, user Dry_Dragonfruit_4191 said: "This wasn't a mistake—this was a choice. Your SIL made a choice and told MIL. MIL then made a choice to tell everyone else in the family. Your husband is making the choice to pressure you into things, which is leaving you to make some choices of your own now. You are allowed to make your own choices. Nobody not even the husband has a right to be in the delivery room (may seem harsh but it's true)...NTA [not the a******]."

ArmChairDetective38 agreed, stating: "Especially since it sounds like word didn't just spread but she told EVERYONE. That's not a mistake that's on purpose," in a comment that received 9,000 upvotes.

My_Poor_Nerves said: "People are missing the fact that a whole damn extended family found out OP [original poster] was having a boy before OP did. That's a really s***** thing for an expecting mom to be last to know."

HotPieTheSnail: "Yeah it's one thing if SIL accidentally told MIL and somehow it accidentally slipped out to another person (which is still a stretch), but for them to tell everyone and not OP is unacceptable. I'd be absolutely livid."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.