Mom-in-Law Dragged for Cleaning Son's Home While Family Was Away: 'Dirty'

A woman who was "annoyed" that her mother-in-law came over to clean her home while the family was away has been backed by users on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.

In a post shared on Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU), user ohnnoclean said the family were going away for Christmas and there were "clothes everywhere as I was packing" but "the house wasn't actually dirty."

The woman said her parents-in-law had a set of keys to the home for emergencies. The night before the family left for Christmas, the in-laws were over and the mother-in-law kept saying "don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time."

A January 2022 study published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science journal found that both men and women in the U.S. "reported more conflict with mothers-in-law than with mothers, and mothers reported more conflict with their daughters-in-law than with their daughters."

In a study of hundreds of families over two decades conducted by Terri Apter, a psychologist and former senior tutor at Newnham College at Cambridge University, the results of which were published in her book What Do You Want From Me?, more than 60 percent of women said the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

The psychologist told The Guardian in November 2008: "Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticizing or undermining the other, but this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female norms that few of us manage to shake off completely."

According to the user in the latest Mumsnet post, the mother-in-law "kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning...kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty..."

When the mother-in-law later said "she'd come and clean while we were away," the user declined the offer and said "don't worry at all, it's not dirty..."

When the daughter-in-law got back from the trip, their home had "clearly been cleaned a bit," such as the fridge. The poster was "grateful" and thanked the mother-in-law, but was "really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning—when it wasn't really dirty.

"The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house...it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen," the user said.

Jennifer Kelman, a family therapist for the JustAnswer website, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and relationships expert, told Newsweek: "It seems in this case that the mother-in-law has stepped over the boundaries a bit."

While on the surface it might seem like she was trying to help out, "it feels that there is an underlying tone of criticism" about how the user and their partner clean the house.

Having clothes on the floor is not "that big of an emergency" that would require the mother-in-law to clean the house. "It is an invasion of privacy, and the comments were judgmental as well," Kelman said.

The LCSW said the couple in the latest post should "have a conversation expressing their needs around this issue and possibly others that exist around boundaries," because it's likely that "if the mother-in-law overstepped in this situation, she does it in other areas."

Kelman advised setting boundaries around what is acceptable behavior when it comes to the mother-in-law, possibly starting with "preventing entry into the home unless it is a true emergency."

The couple needs to make sure they're "on the same page so there isn't any wiggle room when the new boundaries are set."

She added: "Ignoring the judgmental comments is also key, and disengage from all conversations where judgment is apparent."

Several users on Mumsnet shared support for the original poster.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon said: "She's crossed a line..."

NancyJoan said: "I would hate this. It feels very judgemental, doesn't it? Ask them why they let themselves into the house, what was the emergency. I'd get the key back, then you'll know it can't happen again."

Lavender14 agreed, stating: "I would also hate this. It sounds like she's decided it would be helpful and she's been determined to do it regardless of what you said or if it needs doing probably so she can feel needed and useful."

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor noted: "If you have said 'thanks' then she probably thinks you are pleased and will do it again next time. Just be honest with her."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.

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