Wife's Reason for Blocking In-Laws From Attending Her Mom's Funeral Dragged

A post about a woman who doesn't want her parents-in-law to attend her mother's funeral has gone viral on Mumsnet, with over 120 replies.

In the post shared on the U.K.-based online forum's Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum, user pain1nthearse wrote that her mother passed away three weeks ago. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks.

Her husband said his parents would like to attend the funeral. The user wrote that she felt "really uncomfortable" about it for several reasons, one being they "barely knew" her mom.

The poster explained that her father-in-law "will be fine" about her wishes. But her mother-in-law won't be, and "this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly," the user wrote.

Is it rude to ban the parents-in-law from the funeral? Etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts told Newsweek that it is "rude with a capital R," adding that the poster's reason for not wanting them to attend is "plain silly."

The poster isn't alone when it comes to having issues with mothers-in-law. A January 2022 study published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science journal found both men and women in the U.S. "reported more conflict with mothers-in-law than with mothers, and mothers reported more conflict with their daughters-in-law than with their daughters."

Terri Apter is a psychologist and former senior tutor at Newnham College at Cambridge University.

A study of hundreds of families over two decades was conducted by Apter. The results were published in her book What Do You Want From Me? Over 60 percent of women said the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

"Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticizing or undermining the other, but this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female norms that few of us manage to shake off completely," Apter told U.K. newspaper The Guardian in November 2008.

The user in the latest post wrote that her mom was a "pretty shy, introverted person" and "wasn't rude or anything like that" to her in-laws. But she "wasn't that interested" in building a relationship with them, despite their efforts.

The only others outside of family who have been invited to the funeral are two of the poster's oldest friends who knew her mom "really well," the user explained.

Among the other reasons why the poster does not want her in-laws at the funeral is because she will be "in pieces." She added that "to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving—it feels so intensely private to me."

The poster explained that her mother-in-law sent her husband a text saying they want to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to attend her dad's funeral.

"He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine/about supporting me," the user wrote.

The poster explained: "I actually like my in-laws," especially her father-in-law. But her mother-in-law "has overstepped in the past" and "can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way."

'Rude With a Capital R'

Grotts is the former director of protocol for the city and county of San Francisco and a former member of the International Society of Protocol and Etiquette Professionals. Addressing the latest Mumsnet post, she told Newsweek that the poster's gesture is "rude with a capital R."

Grotts said: "Unless the funeral is private, I'm not aware of a legal way to ban someone. It's one thing if the family is worried about a guest being disruptive or unwanted, but this reason is just plain silly.

"The daughter of the deceased will have enough to worry about planning her mother's service, not the guest list and a family member at that," Grotts added.

Asked whether the mother-in-law in the latest post had overstepped boundaries, the expert said: "It's a lovely gesture that the mother-in-law wants to pay her respects to her daughter-in-law's mother. Birth-life-death is the cycle of life. Will she [the original poster] also ban her from other family affairs?"

Grotts added that the mother-in-law is "family" and "that's what family does: they support one another through thick and thin."

'This Is a Really Kind Gesture'

The latest post has sparked debate among users on Mumsnet, with several posting that this is a "kind gesture" from the in-laws.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow wrote that while the in-laws weren't close to the poster's mom, "they want to come to support you and your dh [dear husband] in your grief. This is a really kind gesture..."

User SausageRoll2020 agreed that it's "a kind gesture from your in-laws," writing: "Your husband will be giving you all the support he can, having his parents there may help to give him the strength he needs to support you."

Justcallmebebes commented: "I think it's lovely that your in-laws want to come and support you at your mom's funeral...can't you try and see the good in their actions?"

Itsbytheby wrote: "While I think it's ok to say you'd prefer them not to come, I am just not sure what you will gain. Unless you think they will act badly at the funeral, or expect you to give them loads of attention, then I don't see the harm in them coming... "

'Entirely Your Call'

Others were more understanding of the original poster's position. AmandaHoldensLips posted: "...I do think it should be your call, especially as you'd find it uncomfortable. It's a very private and emotional time and I think you're perfectly reasonable in wanting to keep it that way."

JennyForeigner agreed: "I think this is entirely your call, and it is a very ordinary and healthy thing to say 'a small private funeral has been arranged for immediate family only, but donations and flowers can be directed to'... "

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.

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