Mom-of-3 Backed for Telling Husband That Their 'Nanny Is in Charge' Not Him

A mother has asked on Reddit if she is in the wrong for "telling my husband the nanny is in charge?"

In the post, user ZealousidealWait2698 explained that she and her husband have three kids aged 10 months, 3 years, and 6 years old. The couple hired a nanny for their middle child, who was born "right when the pandemic began." She wrote that their nanny originally worked 9 a.m. until 5 p.m., same as she did, while her husband "has a high profile job and it means he's gone often."

By the end of 2022, there were almost 170,000 nannies actively employed in the United States, according to careers website Zippia. Of those, 93.1 percent are female, with the average age being 37 years old.

"By the time the baby came round," the poster wrote, "I was very overwhelmed doing bath and bed time on my own, on top of developing postpartum depression. After a breakdown, we spoke with the nanny and she agreed to adjust her hours so she's helping me with dinner, bath and bed."

The poster explained that her husband often misses their children's bedtime and is "reluctant to be firm with the kids." He "allows the boys to rough house, lets them break the routine and it seriously throws them off and delays bedtime." The mom added that their nanny has shared with her that she feels awkward.

The poster wrote that she and the nanny had grown close over the past six months and have created a routine that works well. "In many ways, she's become like a third parent to the kids...and my mental health has gotten so much better," she added. Despite wanting to retain the nanny as she can't "handle the kids alone", the poster wrote that her husband has refused to "defer to the nanny and follow her lead." He said that "she's just an employee and he's the dad."

"I told him he either follows her lead for bed and bath or he doesn't help at all. He told me I'm allowing the nanny to take over and replace him," the poster wrote.

Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president at Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, told Newsweek: "This is a lovely example of the profound difference that a skilled caregiver can make in a family.

"Mom writes about how having support from her nanny contributed to the mom's improved mood after her baby was born," she added.

"It sounds like mom and nanny have developed a good routine in the evenings, and routines are essential to children's feelings of security and calm. Routines also contribute to cooperation, especially during times that can be tough transitions like bath and bedtime.

"On the other hand, dad is bringing joy to the family when he plays with the kids. This is also an essential ingredient, especially during this difficult post-pandemic moment in history when families are struggling," Freeman said.

"What would be ideal is for mom, dad and nanny to sit down and consider together how he can participate in the routines when he is home and how he can build playfulness and silliness into the routine without disturbing the order of things," Freeman said. "He can help with bath and maybe be a little playful while the kids are in the tub or right after they come out without changing the order in which the tasks happen. He can reinforce the kids' cooperation with joyful gestures, silly voices and warm connections.

"The parents might also consider organizing a family meeting to talk about how things are a little different when dad is home and together figure out how to have fun and be cooperative at the same time," Freeman added.

"Kids sometimes have wonderful ideas and insights when given the opportunity to offer suggestions and are more likely to follow through if included in the planning," she said. "The solution is listening to everyone's point of view, inviting everyone to contribute to the solution, while keeping mom and dad in the leadership roles and deeply respecting nanny's perspective on the issues. There is no one right way to guide the family, but listening and solving problems together is usually a good approach."

Users on Reddit voted that the mom is not to blame. One wrote: "Either he does it ALL or he follows the established schedule. If this doesn't get resolved, they will lose what appears to be a great employee."

Another posted: "No if this doesn't get resolved they will get divorced due to lack of effective/positive communication, him not being an involved parent, and making the nanny a de facto parent."

Some users disagreed, including one who wrote: "Your employee needs to work around your parenting styles (plural) and life styles (plural). Your husband doesn't get to see his children much; it's unfair to them and to him to try to keep them apart when he is around."

Newsweek has reached out to ZealousidealWait2698 via Reddit for comment.

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