The Nine Mistakes to Avoid When Starting a Relationship

You've got that "brand new love" energy but, as enjoyable as the honeymoon phase is, it can cloud your judgment—leading you to make questionable choices or ignore signs that this romance isn't right for you. According to dating experts, there are nine common mistakes people make when starting a relationship. These are:

• Hiding your intentions
• Being hung up on your ex
• Not taking the time to reflect
• Ignoring your own boundaries
• Not being authentic
• Being close-minded
• Trying to change your partner
• Bringing a third party into the relationship
• Rushing it

Here's how you can avoid these early no-nos and find a love that lasts.

Hiding Your Intentions

Friends may advise you to "play it cool," but doing so can lead to heartbreak. Telling a potential partner what you're looking for is the only way to know if you're a good fit for the long term.

Bolu Oladini, founder of life and relationship coaching service Confluence, told Newsweek that people tend to hide their intentions because they're worried about putting off a new partner.

"If you want something serious, state that early on," he said. "You can't scare someone away if they want the same things you want."

Being Hung up on Your Ex

It's vital to move on from an ex before starting something new, or you risk getting your heart broken all over again. Angela N. Holton, a dating coach and founder of the Love Sanctuary website, told Newsweek: "Make sure you're not bringing your past relationship into your new relationship." If you're still reminiscing about the good times with your ex or sneakily checking their social media, you're not ready for a new romance.

Comparing your new partner to your old partner is also a death sentence for any budding relationship, Holton said. "A new relationship is a clean slate. If you find yourself comparing, you might need more time to heal."

Not Taking the Time to Reflect

A common mistake people make when a relationship breaks down is not taking the time to reflect, grow and heal. It's important to work on yourself before you start a new relationship so you don't make the same mistakes.

Holton advises seeing a break-up as a chance to discover things about yourself—positive and negative—and develop greater self-awareness.

"You want to understand those things so you can change and correct some of those behaviors," she said.

Ignoring Your Own Boundaries

If you've taken the time to discover who you are and what you really want from a relationship, you'll also have a better idea of your boundaries—what you will and won't tolerate. For boundaries to work, though, you must be willing to enforce them.

"Boundaries are for you, not the other person." Oladini said. "If you state a boundary and you don't enforce it, the other person isn't going to take you seriously."

Not Being Authentic

It's normal to feel anxious or insecure at the start of a relationship, but you should not be changing who you are to make your love interest like you more.

If you catch yourself modifying your behavior, Holton suggests thinking about why you're doing this. "Is it out of people pleasing? Fear of rejection? Get to the root of it. People fall in love with who we are when we are genuinely ourselves."

If you're not feeling the confidence to be yourself, there are steps you can take to boost your self-esteem, such as challenging your inner critic, learning new skills or practicing self care.

Being Close-Minded

Contrary to popular dating belief, glossing over your new partner's weaknesses early on can lead to bliss further down the line. Focus on the qualities you like about your new partner to give the relationship a real chance.

"Try not to pick them apart," Holton said. "Give them a chance to show you who they really are."

However, there is a big difference between minor flaws and red-flag behavior, which you should definitely acknowledge. According to Holton, this can include inconsistency, changing how they act around different people, ignoring your boundaries, refusing to apologize or gaslighting you.

Trying to Change Your Partner

Even when you're keeping an open mind, everyone has dealbreakers. If you have given your new sweetheart a real chance and it isn't working, it's better to move on than to try to change them.

Holton said: "No one wants to be in a relationship where the other person is saying, 'You need to change for me to love you.'"

If you want advice on how to end things, these dating experts explain how to break up with someone as kindly as possible.

Bringing a Third Party Into Your Relationship

It's common to vent to friends or family members when we're having love troubles, but bringing a third party into your relationship can make things worse—especially if it's new. This person could have their own agenda, which isn't necessarily malicious but can cause problems if you take their opinions too seriously.

"A lot of people don't know themselves well enough, so they ask other people what they should do. But remember that third party isn't going to be dealing with the consequences," Oladini said.

That doesn't mean you should disregard their advice if you believe they have your best interests at heart but, remember, it's your relationship—only you know what's right for you.

Rushing It

If you're the type who starts picturing wedding bells and white picket fences on the third date, letting a relationship develop naturally can be a game-changer for your love life. Holton recommends taking the time to get to know someone and just enjoy dating.

"Don't be so focused on the end goal that you're not present in the day to day of the relationship," she said. "Otherwise, it becomes about someone 'fitting the bill' of what you're looking for rather than the person."

Rushing can also be a sign you have a "love addiction" and are dependent on relationships for happiness. If you find yourself relying on partners for validation, devoting too much time to your relationship or fearing being alone, it may be time to seek professional help.

Correction 05/11/22, 4:00 a.m. EDT: This article was updated to correct the name of Angela N. Holton. The article originally referred to her as "Angela Holton."