Parents Blaming Son for Saying Why Brother Can't Go to Family Events Panned

A man's parents are blaming him for revealing the reason why his brother hasn't gone to any family events for the past four years.

Posting to the Reddit forum r/AmITheA**hole, u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 asks if he was in the wrong for revealing the truth to his family. He's received over 8,700 upvotes and 1,000 comments in eight hours for his post.

The original poster (OP) says his brother, identified as "Jack," and Jack's girlfriend, "Danielle," have been together for years. About four years ago, Danielle got into a fight with u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21's wife over a family friend—and Jack's former bestie—"Henry."

He said that Henry earned Danielle's ire for telling Jack that she was "trying to isolate him," and told Jack to break up with her after they'd been dating for six months. Danielle's objection, u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 says, was that Jack and Henry would do things like golf together without her, making her "feel excluded."

"She gave my brother an ultimatum saying Henry was threatening their relationship. Jack told Henry so Henry spoke up and called her a B****. Henry would try to point out other girls when they went to the bar to sway Jack's mind. As a gf she felt he was trying to break them up, which he was," u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 wrote.

In a comment, he added that Danielle had even tried spread rumors about them, telling u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21's wife and her mom that Jack was "in a gay relationship with Henry," though they weren't.

Danielle and Jack initially broke up, but he ended up cutting ties with Henry and going back to her. As Henry was also friends with the OP, he and his wife would invite him over to cookouts and get-togethers. When Danielle insisted they stop inviting Henry, u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21's wife said no.

"Danielle said she needed to rethink their friendship feeling my wife didn't side with her, my wife basically told her to grow up and f*** off. My wife and Danielle haven't seen or spoken to each other since the argument," u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 wrote. "My wife did apologize numerous times saying she was out of line, Danielle won't accept her apology and by doing so had my brother pick a side."

In a comment to Newsweek, u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 revealed how close he and Jack had been before Danielle was in the picture.

"He was my best friend, we shared the same bedroom until I was 28 then when our parents sold the house we got an apartment together. When we bought our houses, they were two houses apart. We used to do everything together. We no longer talk on a regular basis, twice a year for obligatory Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday," u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 told Newsweek.

The OP also says that Jack hasn't even met his 2-year-old niece because Danielle won't let him visit his brother's family. In addition, due to Danielle's argument with u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21's wife, they haven't attended any family event at all for four years.

"My parents said Danielle's biggest concern is family members will think of her differently if they find out she's the one preventing my brother from attending family gatherings," he wrote. "She tends to put on act for family that's she's sweet and innocent, behind the curtains she controls my brother and has a very bad temper."

But at a recent family reunion, u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 had finally had enough and told the family the real reason Jack wasn't at the event: Danielle won't go, and Jack's not allowed anywhere without her. His parents even said that they'd tried to talk to Jack alone, but Danielle won't "let that happen."

"The look on their faces was shock, mortified, and confused. Some asked for me to go into detail so I did, and others kind of just smiled and walked away," u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 wrote.

But now, his parents are calling him out because his "family is going to look at Danielle differently" and that he's "made it awkward for any other family gatherings in the future" for Jack and Danielle.

In a comment, the OP clarified why his parents were so angry.

"My parents are the most passive people ever, they said they tried to bring it up one time to my brother and Danielle told them to back off or she will cut contact with them. My parents are so scared of losing him, they will do anything to avoid confrontation," u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 wrote.

He also says that Jack helps his parents out with money, so "if they push him away, the extra money... will dry up."

While Danielle appears to be exhibiting some of the more obvious stereotypes of a controlling partner–at least, according to u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21—there are a number of other, more subtle ways an abusive partner might exert control. Dangerous signs, according to Psychology Today, include isolating a partner from their friends and family—much like Danielle has appeared to do; making threats to harm either the partner or themselves; using guilt as a weapon and mocking someone's beliefs, among others. If a partner is controlling, the best thing to do is to leave—as long as it's safe to do so.

Reddit roundly condemned both Danielle and the OP's parents.

"[Not the A**hole]. I feel bad it seems your brother is stuck in an abusive relationship. Who cares about Danielle's feelings, your parents should be trying to help your brother out of this cycle," u/Allalngthewatchtwer wrote in the top-rated comment with over 12,200 upvotes.

"Yup and I hope to God she doesn't get knocked up. Then she would use not only his family/friends but the kid too. Telling him he'll never see his kid if he does X,Y and Z," u/NightDreamer87 replied. "I agree with everyone, give him love and reassurance. That he'll always have a home at your house and to not he afraid to ask for help if/when needed."

"This. Henry made a mistake by pointing out other women when they went out, playing right into everything Danielle was saying about him. He was trying to break them up. Rightfully, so, but he made he right about that and it plants a seed of doubt in her victim," u/wayward_witch said.

"Wow. What the heck did I just read?! You and your wife are [Not the A**hole] but your parents sure are! Their son has been in an abusive relationship for YEARS, and they're looking after their financial gain instead of looking out for their son first?" u/saurons-cataract said.

"Truth bombs hurt cause they're true," u/TahiniInMyVeins wrote.

But some also blamed u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21 for not doing more.

"[Everyone Sucks Here] Danielle is obviously in the wrong here but you and your family don't seem overly concerned about the fact that your brother is trapped in an abusive relationship. Help him!!" u/AoCoR wrote.

"INFO: Are you trying to get your brother out of his clearly abusive relationship? If not, [Everyone Sucks Here]," u/Spaghadeity wrote.

Update 5/4/22, 5:40 p.m.: This article has been updated with comment from u/Altruistic_Rabbit_21.