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People with a penchant for bullying, gossip and passive-aggressive behavior are woven into the fabric of our society. You can do everything in your power to root them out of the workplace (and you should), but it will never happen fully. Why? Because you can't run away from being human. There's an element of these tendencies inside each person. It's all about what you're going to do — as quickly as possible — when you encounter that poison. Michelle Obama taught us how to do it, though: "When they go low, we go high." In that spirit, I want to share approaches to handling common personalities found in workplaces based on my experience as a Chief People and Culture Officer.
The Gossip Serpent
When you live in the jungle, you're not going to escape the danger of snakes. But it sure helps to know what colors can kill you. Identifying what the poison looks like when you see it is the first way to protect yourself from a deadly bite.
Gossip is a bright green, beautiful snake. She charms you. Almost everyone likes to spend a little bit of time with her. Gossip isn't all bad — some of it can help to develop relationships and help others to feel a little less alone in what they're going through. But most know it can bite the hand that feeds it. The person who gossips to us is probably turning around and gossiping about us.
There's a moral high road, and then there's a moral too high road. You're not going to fix gossip. Your attempts to put yourself above those who indulge in this potentially destructive behavior are rarely going to pay off. In romantic relationships, those who are "fixers" are often counseled by therapists to ask their partner what kind of response they're looking for. You can take a similar tactic with someone who gossips. Asking, "Why are you telling me this?" in a curious, non-judgmental way may help the gossiper clarify their intentions. When they've got a chance to speak for themselves, you then have a chance to decide what you do and don't want to be a part of.
Encouraging that person may catch them by surprise. "Hey man, you've got this." It might confuse them, but it also could lead to a positive conversation instead of a commiserating one.
The Bully Rattler
You often hear a rattlesnake before you see it. It's not shy: it's warning you, threatening you, making itself known. You feel those rattles in your bones.
We've all got that family member who changes the energy of the room the moment they walk in. We can't decide if we love them or hate them, but we do know they're difficult to ignore. Bully personalities can raise our hackles more than almost any other. The bully is the snake you want to stomp on, but can't. And running away is a dangerous choice. You have to navigate them.
Fighting fire with fire in a battle with a bully is a losing battle. You can't pick this snake up and reason with it. You can't drive it with ethics it doesn't have. But you can learn it. How does it move? What scares it?
Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." If they've earned that badge, give it to them. Don't judge them for it, but find a way to navigate around it so that it doesn't impact your engagement, your values and how you feel about the world around you.
When I'm in a room with ten people and I know that three of them are disruptors, I change my mindset. I've got seven people in the room. I'm not going to be waylaid by what I know is negativity for the sake of it. So ignore them — this usually frustrates the hell out of them anyway and protects your sanity.
The Passive Aggressive Person
These suckers are camoflauged. They're the hardest ones to spot. A passive-aggressive person is not a vicious attacker. You're afraid of them but you're not even always sure why. You're not sure what move they're going to make next and it just makes you feel unsettled.
When you're receiving mixed messages from a passive-aggressive colleague, the way I see it, you've got two basic options. You can call a spade a spade or you can deprive them of the delight of the confusion they sought to cause. Body language is key here — don't give away your power. My shoulders are back, my senses are up and I'm all here for it. "It sounded like you were saying that you think I've had a lot of easy breaks — is that what you meant?" You've taken Obama's high road and you allow the other person the privilege to stand behind what they've said. Or, stumble over it, as the case may be.
The second option is to let them live in their delusion. This is a behavior that you can ignore. It's remarkable how a passive-aggressive person can, without raising their voice, ruin your life for decades. But you've got to let them in first.
Survival Is Key
At the end of the day, almost everyone has passive-aggressive, gossiping and bullying people in their lives whom they have fun with. They're just not that fun when they're in your work environment and you didn't select them to be there.
It's not your job, once you identify these behaviors, to fix anyone. No more than anyone else needs to fix you. But you do have to cope. Don't let the other person bring you to where they're at and get you both fired. Pain rolls downhill and misery loves company. You don't know the kind of pain that others are dragging around with them, and the point is never to make that pain worse.
What works for me may not work for you. That's okay. But when you're stuck, something is always worth trying. This is ultimately a message about self-care. You're worth protecting and it is dangerous out there.