My Half-Sister Is Starting Family Drama While Pregnant—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, Me and my half-sister, I'll call her Karen, have never been close. When I was 18 I had a stillborn, and last year I had a baby that was born at 25 weeks. Both didn't make it due to preeclampsia. I also have a son, now 8 years old, born at 26 weeks due to preeclampsia, and one healthy baby girl, now aged 4.

Last year, just months after my stillborn son passed away, my half-sister had a miscarriage. I couldn't really feel bad for her, as a few months prior my son passed away in my arms. It's not that I didn't care about her miscarriage, I did. But, I was just focused on helping my four-year-old daughter and myself deal with losing the baby.

Fast forward to a few days ago, my half-sister told me she was pregnant again. I replied with a "good for you!!!" My sister has seizures and is prone to cause drama and starts lots of fights. She's always running around and never eating properly. Like, she'll go two or three days without eating, and is always chasing and rough-housing with her dog. So, I just replied with a "good for you!"

Of course, everyone is mad and saying I'm the a****** and that I am not being supportive? How am I supposed to feel? Should I be more excited for her? I just find it hard to be excited till the baby is here?? Like she just found out and already starting drama?

Heather, Indiana

You Are Entitled To Whatever Feelings You Have

Karen Pavlidis is a Clinical Psychologist, the owner of Child and Teen Solutions, and a Clinical Instructor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.

My heart goes out to you reader for suffering these tragic losses. There is no answer about how you are "supposed to feel." It's completely understandable that you don't feel excited, and that your feelings are complicated by your history. You are 100% entitled to whatever feelings you have.

That said, how we feel sometimes needs to be separated from how we behave towards others. The reason you are under fire from those around you is because your response to your sibling's announcement transgressed social norms. This doesn't mean that you need to extend yourself and be supportive in a way that is ingenuine, but rather to be more strategic in how you express yourself to your sibling.

You don't say if you are angry, but it seems like that's part of what is bubbling up and distracting others from what likely is underneath the anger - emotional pain and grief. Anger is unique in that expressions of this emotion, when released in a context that goes against social norms, can backfire in terms of the person getting their needs met. You might do better to access the painful emotions that are probably more primary than the anger. You might need the support of a skilled counselor to process the grief and talk about how to best navigate this incredibly tricky situation.

Your Lack Of Empathy Is Not Because You Don't Care

Peace Anumah is a marriage and family Psychotherapist, who has her own company called Piece Into Peace.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your children. The death of a child feels unnatural, with a pain that is difficult to explain. It's deeper than grief and involves different forms of trauma. What you have described is a profoundly traumatic experience, and it sounds like you are still grieving and experiencing some form of PTSD.

You say you and your half-sister have never been close, and she suffers from seizures; this tells me a few things about your relationship with her. There are unresolved relational issues between you and her, which will affect your ability to connect with her during her difficult time.

I wonder what impact her medical condition has had on you growing up. For example, did her medical condition take time away from you? Perhaps your parents spent more time with her, and maybe this event of her miscarriage is somewhat of a reminder of what life was like for you back then. I'm mainly asking this as you described her as causing "drama".

It makes sense that you struggled to get excited for her when she announced her pregnancy due to her life choices and eating habits. This, coupled with the experience of losing your children, has made it hard for you to get excited about being pregnant until the baby comes to avoid heartache.

The unresolved conflict you have with your half-sister, her life choices, and your own personal loss makes it difficult for you to empathize with her.

No one can understand your pain, but perhaps you can help them know that your lack of empathy is not because you don't care. You show compassion in other ways that may differ from what they expect. Helping them to see this might help them understand you better and the pain and grief you are still experiencing. Continue to look after yourself, self-care is very important in dealing with grief. If you are struggling to manage the PTSD, it might be helpful to have a therapist that can support you.