Marriage Therapist Reveals How Affairs Can Actually 'Start in Childhood'

Have you ever been cheated on or had an affair and wondered from where did it all start to go wrong?

For some, the seeds of the affair might have been planted as far back as childhood, according to one therapist.

Dr. David Perl is a psychotherapist and counselor in London, U.K., who also qualified as a medical doctor at the University of London. He told Newsweek that "suppressed emotions" stemming from a person's attachment style (relationship with their parents and others) during childhood can later lead them to "seek emotional validation elsewhere" by having an affair.

The 63-year-old therapist, who is one half of The Married Therapists duo on TikTok, has been married to his 57-year-old wife Ruth, a fellow qualified therapist, for 36 years.

Perl spoke about why he believes "affairs start in childhood" in a viral video, which had over 489,000 views, shared from the TikTok account @marriedtherapists, explaining that "it's all down to attachment styles & parenting."

He told Newsweek that the theory can be traced back to Patrick Teahan, a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) based in the U.S. Teahan has spoken a lot about the impact of childhood trauma on his YouTube channel.

Teahan told Newsweek that while he "didn't come up with that idea that infidelity can come from attachment wounds, attachment can be one of [the] factors."

Attachment styles refer to "the way people relate to others in the context of intimate relationships, which is heavily influenced by self-worth and interpersonal trust," explains the American Psychological Association (APA).

The APA says: "Theoretically, the degree of attachment security in adults is related directly to how well they bonded to others as children."

Teahan said some other factors to consider when it comes to cheating and infidelity include "what is modeled by parents (if they cheat), an inability to communicate and do conflict due to childhood trauma, as the TikTok video suggests, and triggers to childhood dynamics, such as not being seen."

The LICSW also warned against predicting "cheating by [attachment] style," explaining that he doesn't believe one attachment style is "more prone to cheating over another."

While Perl acknowledged that affairs can occur for many reasons, "I would say a large cohort of affairs start because of that attachment style we've learnt in childhood," he said in the clip.

According to Perl, people generally evolve in three ways—they become either securely or anxiously attached or become avoidant.

If the parent or other primary caregiver is "really happy, safe, secure and content" and "doesn't have any issues" in their own relationship," they are "there 100 percent for the child." That child senses this and feels safe and will grow up into a "securely attached adult," he said in the video.

Those who develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style, which are forms of insecure attachment, "find it very difficult to be honest in the relationship," Perl said.

The APA says an anxious-avoidant attachment is "characterized by discomfort in being with others and a tendency to avoid intimate relationships with them."

Perl said the "suppressed emotions" of an anxious or avoidant person "makes it hard for them to communicate honestly, as they find conflict hard."

"It's easier for them to go off and have an affair as a way of avoiding dealing with their unhappiness in their current relationship," he said. "They fear rejection and criticism so [they] seek emotional validation elsewhere."

Perl said textbooks claim that 50 percent of people are securely attached, but he believes that portion is actually closer to "1 percent."

"I absolutely believe that the general public is significantly less than 50 percent securely attached," he said, explaining that "from our personal anecdotal experience we assume the number of anxious or avoidant attachment styles far outweighs secure.

"These attachment styles outweigh secure [ones] as most parents are unaware of how to parent in a healthy and functional way as they haven't resolved their trauma and as such it gets passed down to the child."

Can the Cycle Be Broken?

Perl said: "With personal development to heal their trauma which caused their attachment style," an anxiously attached or avoidant person "can develop secure healthy relationships" later in life.

He noted that while it is less common for a secure attachment style to "morph into an anxious or avoidant" style later on, "given enough stress, then a securely attached [person] can switch to either polarity."

However, "once the stress has passed they will swing back to their secure attachment style," he added.

'Psychology Is Not an Exact Science'

The latest viral video has sparked discussion among users on TikTok.

Brigid Whelan wrote: "I really believe this. Very well described..."

Stephen said: "Psych degree here. People are NOT only one type of attachment style. We are mixed depending on the situation and person."

The original poster agreed, replying "Yes, psychology is not an exact science."

lah wrote: "I don't think anyone gets away with life without some type of attachment issues."

"Again it does come down to communication.. a lot of relationships just don't spend time to grow together," 3BearHugs commented. "Now quick to just let go."

The original poster agreed, noting: "Yes, we live in a throw away society."

Tabetha Twitchy said: "The pressure to get it right to set a person up for life in the first few years is on for women. Maybe that's why [moms] are anxious."

The original poster replied: "Great point, it's an impossible task to be the perfect parent, both for [moms] and dads."

Do you have a relationship, parenting or other family dilemma? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

Update 5/18/23, 8:29 a.m. ET: This article was updated with comment from Patrick Teahan.