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People are interesting and surprising; I became a psychologist because there's no greater feeling than seeing somebody take control of their life.
I graduated with a degree in psychology in 2008 and before becoming a therapist, I worked in education and was a manager in social care. Then, in 2020, I began therapy training, and in March 2022, I started my private practice.
My biggest reward, as a therapist, is when I see my clients implement positive changes in their lives that allow their confidence and self-esteem to grow. It's amazing to see that often, people find peace and happiness when they accept the realities of their lives rather than trying to change outcomes.
For example, breakups are tough. But letting go of the other person and accepting that the relationship is over, is key. This is where the "no contact" rule may be helpful.
The "no contact" rule is when somebody chooses to cut off all contact with an ex-partner so that they can move on from the relationship. For me, "no contact" means blocking and removing this person from all social media platforms, not calling or texting them, and not contacting their friends or their family.
Blocking an ex-partner on social media can be important because people tend to post their highlights on these platforms. So, naturally, you will see this person having fun, which may reinforce thoughts like, "Why don't they want to be with me instead?" Or, "They are moving on with their life so easily."
During this phase, I would always discuss different options with a client and I find that their need to focus on themselves is very important. Shifting focus onto an ex-partner will only trigger the memories that they had together. And if they are stuck in the past, it's difficult to come to terms with the present and accept reality for what it really is.
Here's why the "no contact" rule may not work for everyone.
1. The "no contact" rule may be inauthentic
Going into the New Year, people tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves. I feel that there is an expectation that we need to be different in the New Year, as if cutting people out of our lives magically becomes easier.
But for me, that's not authentic. I would ask myself, "Is it the right time for me to cut someone off, or am I doing it just because it's a New Year?" A New Year will come around every year. In fact, in some countries like China, a New Year is celebrated at a different time.
If my clients put pressure on themselves to cut somebody out of their life when they are not ready it can make them feel worse. Sometimes, it's good to sit with your emotions.
Carl Jung, a psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology refers to this as "holding the tension of the opposites." This refers to sitting with conflicted emotions that may arise, rather than rushing to make a decision based on external factors, or the discomfort of feeling your emotions. I would advise people to sit with uncomfortable emotions for a few days, at least, before making a decision.
2. The "no contact" rule may not suit certain attachment styles
I believe that the "no contact" rule may not be suitable for everybody.
As humans, we are complex; we have different backgrounds. If a person has felt abandoned as a child, detaching from somebody can be harder and it may trigger separation anxiety. Some people with an insecure attachment style tend to feel distraught and abandoned after suddenly cutting off all contact with an ex-partner for good. People with this attachment style also tend to blame themselves for the relationship ending, and may have thoughts like, "I am never going to find somebody again."
In this situation, I would recommend that the person find their own techniques to recover from the relationship, rather than doing the "no contact" rule. Having a conversation for closure may be helpful.
Discussing what may have gone wrong in the relationship will also help the person with an insecure attachment style understand that it may not have been their fault that the relationship ended. This facilitates a healthier healing process because it helps the person understand why the relationship cannot progress.
I had a client who lost her father when she was only 5 years old, and every time she was in a relationship she often became needy with her partner. She found the "no contact" rule very difficult after her break up and couldn't grasp it, to the point where her ex-partner blocked her number.
In circumstances like this, seeking closure isn't always possible. If somebody is refusing to have a conversation or give an explanation for the break up, I would always ask a client of mine: Why would you want them in your life in the first place?
In those circumstances, some of my clients have found that journaling their thoughts allows them to understand how they are feeling. Through this, they are able to write their own narrative.
I feel that the act of putting a pen to paper is powerful. Journaling may help my clients understand their emotions better; it may also help them to process those emotions, too. Some of my clients read their journal entries to see the progress that they have made over time.
3. We want what we can't have
If something is unavailable, it can lead to us wanting it more.
For example, if a client of mine bans themselves from seeing somebody, they may have the urge to want to see that person more. In the same way, if a person decides to do the "no contact" rule, they may in fact have a bigger urge to reach out to this person, and their desire for them may actually grow.
One of my clients spoke about feeling like they had "unfinished business" with a person that they had chosen to not contact. They had found the "no contact" rule very hard. But over time, they began feeling a sense of emptiness and realized that there was a deeper reason for this.
We often desire what we can't have, this is how human beings work. But perhaps, the way to overcome that is to look into your life and be thankful for what you do have, as opposed to what you think you are lacking.
For example, another one of my clients realized a few months after her breakup that she wasn't able to call her then-boyfriend when she needed to confide in somebody, as he was either unavailable or would mention his own problems when she wanted to speak about hers.
After her break up, she realized that she had a good friend in her life who was always willing to listen to her. She never used to appreciate this before, but her breakup made her re evaluate her relationships and what really mattered.
Finding a new hobby or a skill often allows my clients to create new friendships with people who have similar interests to them. I have found that taking the time to nurture the friendships that they have, has sometimes lessened their urge to want to reach out to this person over time.
When you should do the "no contact" rule
There are some circumstances where I believe that not contacting an ex is the best option. The first one would be if you are in a situation that involves violence and physical abuse, this is dangerous, and staying in this relationship may put you at risk.
The second one is when somebody in the relationship does not want to be with the other person and has made that very clear. In this circumstance, not contacting your ex for a period of time will force you to be alone with yourself and think about the reasons why the relationship didn't work.
There is a chance that, even if you really didn't want to break up with this person, there was something wrong with the relationship that was preventing it from progressing.
One of my clients decided to write a letter to her ex in which she expressed all of her thoughts and feelings and things that she had never told him, but she never sent the letter. After a few months of no contact, she read the letter again and recognized that it was really addressed to the part of herself that needed nurturing the most. She was able to understand clearly where the relationship went wrong.
If anyone is finding the "no contact" rule very difficult, I would advise them to ask themselves why. Is it because of the pressures of the New Year? Is it your attachment style? Or are you constantly being triggered by something that is coming up in your past? Maybe, this person has a characteristic that you want to have yourself?
So, the next step would be to identify what that characteristic is, and whether you can get it from friends, family, or yourself instead.
I mostly work with women, and often, my clients tell me that they spent the duration of their relationship focusing on the other person, instead of nurturing their own friendships. During the "no contact" phase, I typically advise them to explore life for themselves and to understand that there is more to life than a significant other.
It is possible to build new relationships with people who have similar interests to yours and you can also build new relationships that will help you grow and make you feel secure. We were all whole people before our relationships, and are still a whole people after they have ended.
Anna Sergent is a psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. She opened her own private clinic in March 2022. You can find out more about her here.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
As told to Newsweek associate editor, Carine Harb.
