'I'm a Therapist. These Are 4 Signs Your Relationship Isn't Working'

I've worked with plenty of individuals going through divorce, marital breakdown, or difficulties with dating in the years I have worked as a counselor specializing in relationship problems.

I did my initial training as a couples counselor but I prefer to work with individuals, rather than with couples, because you can go much deeper into issues and how they relate to attachment styles, childhood experiences, and things like that.

Our parents usually set the blueprint for how we view relationships and what we expect from them, which is not always positive. A client who grew up with parents who avoided emotion and brushed their feelings under the carpet, for instance, often goes into relationships thinking that their feelings aren't important or can't be talked about, which makes it very difficult for them to have a healthy conversation about conflict or emotions with their partner.

There are a few relationship issues that tend to come up more often with my clients. The below are the most common problems I see—and how to solve them.

The 4 most common relationship problems—and solutions

1. Not expressing your needs

I often hear my clients say, "I said something to my partner and they didn't respond in the way I wanted them to." Often this means they haven't expressed their needs explicitly, so their partner hasn't heard them.

It's then easy for couples to slip into passive aggression. One person thinks they've asked for something and didn't get it, the other person thinks the first person didn't say it, so then they both end up at loggerheads, thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong." It's about one-upmanship, rather than working as a team to try and meet each other's needs.

Instead, I suggest my clients say: "This is what I need, and this is how I feel." It could be as simple as: "I feel rejected when you don't make me a cup of coffee, and I need you to show that you're thinking about me by offering to make me one."

This is a much more open and actionable form of communication, which gives your partner the opportunity to respond appropriately. I've seen this being effective with my own clients. When their needs get met, it creates a feeling of bonding, which then makes it easier for them to ask for what they need in the future. It's a positive cycle.

2. Breaking the 5:1 ratio of relationship success

The number of positive versus negative interactions that a couple has is a strong predictor of the relationship's future success, according to research by Professor John Gottman. He came up with the golden ratio for relationship harmony: that you need five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.

Positive interactions are things like checking in, asking "how was your day?", listening to each other, giving compliments, having a cuddle—anything like that. A negative interaction would be criticism or an argument.

If your relationship's ratio is a bit more skewed to the negative, try to get more positive interactions in. For instance, notice things your partner is already doing and make a real effort to tell your partner that you appreciate them.

I've had clients with communication difficulties who have learned to express their needs and then, when they get their needs met, express their gratitude: They might say: "I had a bad day at work and you responded by hugging me and looking after me and making me dinner, and I'm really grateful for that."

3. Fear of getting intimate

I work with a lot of clients who have difficulties with intimacy and affection. The sexual attraction is either gone or they don't feel very sexually attractive themselves—especially if they've changed physically since the start of the relationship. It can often be quite difficult to talk about that with a partner, and rebuild that sense of attraction together.

I often say to clients where intimacy has become a difficulty, to give themselves permission to be intimate in some way without having sex, such as going on a date, giving each other massages or enjoying kissing. Often the pressure of having sex can feel like too much. So taking that pressure off can be really liberating and allow them to find joy and safety in being intimate. They can build up to doing more if they wish.

I've seen this work for my own clients. When they take that pressure off, they come back the next week and say, "We just cuddled all evening, it felt so nice. I forgot I enjoyed that." Sex and intimacy had become this big block, this big difficult thing they don't want to do, so they'd lost sight of the positive bits about it, the bits they really enjoyed. So it's important for them to remember how nice it can feel.

4. Your values don't align

Another issue that comes up quite a lot is where values aren't aligned. That's where a couple has different ideas about what success looks like, their future, how money should be spent, or whether they want children, for instance. These differences are often perpetuated by not communicating effectively.

I have worked with people who are not aware of their values, or what's important to them. So in therapy, we work together to identify their values and understand where these may have come from in terms of childhood and previous experiences.

If one person is more frivolous with money and the other person is a saver, for example, it's about looking at the values that might explain those behaviors: the person who spends more money might feel like that's how they enjoy life; the person who's a saver might need money in the bank to feel more secure. Communicating and seeing the other person's point of view makes a big difference.

When is a relationship over?

All of the issues I mentioned above can be worked on, if you have the right support and learn new ways of doing things. But you have to be willing to do the work.

If one or both parties doesn't want to work on the relationship or make those changes, that would be the sign that it's over—because you need both parties to fight for it, and to want to make a difference.

If a person comes to me and tells me they are solely to blame for their relationship failing—they're too busy with work, they've lost interest in sex, they think they're not attractive enough—that immediately rings alarm bells for me because that suggests the couple is not communicating or understanding that they both play a role in how their relationship functions. It takes two to tango!

This is usually a sign that a relationship is really struggling, and perhaps at crisis point. In my experience, these couples often, although not always, break up. The best way to try and work things out in that scenario would be to go to a couples' therapist, or to see a therapist separately, so you can consider your relationship from a different viewpoint and decide on the best way forward.

Laura Duester is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Oxfordshire. She runs a private practice, LD Therapy, offering individual therapy for adults and teenagers. She is a listed member of the Counselling Directory.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek editor, Katie Russell.