My Teen Son Is Abusive When He Doesn't Get His Own Way—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I'm a single parent—not by choice, as a drunk driver accidentally killed my children's father on February 10, 2021. With that being said, our son just turned 18 on February 26, 2023. He asked if he could use my rental car to make some money on DoorDash. I said sure, as long as he put gas in the vehicle to replace whatever he used—which he did.

I was honestly happy he asked to make some money and I didn't ask him for any money to go towards the daily rental price, which is $38 per day. I'm not supposed to let anyone other than myself, who signed the rental paperwork, drive the car. However, a clause on the rental agreement stated that immediate household members or the renter's employer and or employees can use the vehicle as long as they are licensed and over 18 years old.

Once he bought the car back he asked to go to his friend's house for 45 minutes. I said no, due to the fact it didn't involve any money-making. He immediately started to yell and became so disrespectful that I turned and walked away, stating 'I'm not going to argue with you about my stuff.' He sounded too much like his father, which is the main reason I walked away.

I explained I didn't ask for any cash towards the rental car daily fee even though I should have since he used it to make money. He went berserk and said all kinds of stuff that I cannot repeat. Now, I just wanted to know if I was being wrong by saying no and asking for money to put towards next week's rental fees.

Talaunie

He Still Needs Guidance From You About Adult Responsibilities

Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin is a psychologist, clinical hypnotherapist, and CEO of Parents Anonymous, a family-strengthening organization.

Your concern about your son's emotional reaction is real, whether it reminds you of your ex-husband or not. Saying no to using the rental car for personal use is reasonable. It is important to sit down with him and set up expectations for earning money or paying for specific things. Once those agreements are made you can even put them in writing.

Remember he is only 18 and still needs guidance from you about adult responsibilities. Helping him come up with a plan for the next steps in his life and involving other male positive role models would be useful. There will be a lot of ups and downs. He's growing and that takes courage, support, and grace. But you need to set clear boundaries and not accept or tolerate any abuse or irresponsible behaviors. You are his mother but can demand respect. In return, you can accept the will to make mistakes—it's what he does to gain insight to not repeat them and learn from these experiences that are key.

Asking for Money For the Car Added More Fuel to the Fire

Ruth E. Freeman, founder, and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions.

You have a lot to celebrate here. You have a child who suffered the loss of his father just two years ago and is motivated to be productive and earn some money. He is also keeping his agreement to fill up the car after using it. You are wise to find a way to support him to do that by finding the possibility in the fine print of the rental agreement. So far so good—well done you and your son.

Unfortunately, you did not plan carefully with your son about the rules related to the car. If you are only willing for him to use it to earn money, it would have been more helpful to clarify when you negotiated his use of the car for work. In addition, when your son was so emotional about not being able to use it to socialize, instead of empathizing and understanding his disappointment, you threw fuel on the fire by stating you could have asked him to contribute to the rental. In this emotional moment, that can sound like a threat.

I would guess that you were justifying your decision not to let him use the car to socialize, but parents of teens really will do their best to avoid trying to convince their teens that the rules are right. It rarely goes well. Parents don't need kids' approval of their rules and limits. It may be worth noting that kids often miss their deceased parents most at significant transitions. This young man turned 18 without his dad, got his first job without his dad, and just experienced the second anniversary of his dad's death. These are significant losses.

You may want to take into account how much that may intensify her child's already strong feelings that result from just being an adolescent. And finally, all parents need to recognize and respect that socializing with peers can feel as important as life and death to teens. In this case, it means you acknowledge that seeing his friends is really important to him and consider talking about some other transportation options to support him in getting where he wants to go.