There's More to Communication Than What You Say or Hear

Actually, there's really not.

But there is more to what you say and hear.

To be more precise, there are four levels of speaking that correspond to four levels of listening. And you can tell which one you're doing by observing the body language of the other person.

The Four Levels of Speaking

1. Speaking Over: When you do this, you're being arrogant and condescending, and people respond by feeling insulted. When you do this in a speech, the non-martyrs may not come back after a break in the middle of your talk because you've offended them. When people are talked over, they tune out. They may nod politely but may not take in what you said because they feel you're pontificating or talking over them.
2. Speaking At: This is the equivalent of figuratively — or literally — pointing your finger in their face. When people are talked at, they might react by being intimidated and tucking their chin toward their chest in a submissive posture. Alternatively, they'll narrow their eyes and stick their chin out at you as if to say, "You can't talk to me that way! Who do you think you are?"
3. Speaking To: This is the "business as usual" mode of conversation in transactional interactions and meetings. When people are talked to, they nod or say "Uh-huh" to indicate that they're hearing what you're saying and taking it in.
4. Speaking With: This is the speaking level of emotionally connecting to and caring about others. When people feel you're emotionally connecting with and caring about them, they relax their shoulders because they're feeling safe and relieved. To them, it's as if you came over to them and reassuringly put your arm around their shoulders and told them, "It's going to work out. You got this!"

The Four Levels of Speaking (Corresponding to the Four Levels of Listening)

1. Removed Listening: The person who's talking over you may sense you're tuning out and then may make the mistake of talking even more, hoping to drag you back into the conversation, which you've essentially left after feeling further pushed away.
2. Reactive Listening: If the person who's talking at you senses this, they may either go for the jugular if you're taking a submissive posture, or they may escalate if you've decided to take them on with your chin-out defiant posture.
3. Responsible Listening: If a person is talking to you and feels you're listening responsibly, they'll calmly use the conversation to try to determine your needs and wants and whether they can sell you a product or service to respond to those.
4. Receptive Listening: If a person is talking with you and senses that you've invited them to come closer and continue to talk more because of their caring for you, they may actually let you put your arm around them and begin to cry with relief.

To determine how positive or negative your communication style is, reach out to people you work with and family and friends who want you to be successful and the best version of yourself.

Do this as follows:

1. Reach out to them by text or email with the subject line: "I'd like your help with something. Might we schedule 15 mins for a call?" If they're your friends, they'll hopefully agree.
2. When you connect with them, ask them, "What do you think would be the positive impact on my success and relationships if I became a better communicator through improving my talking and listening? Small, medium, or large?"
3. Then, here's the more important question that gives them the chance to get some things off their chest that may have been bothering them: "What do you think has already been the negative impact on my success and relationships when I've been at my worst as a communicator? Small, medium, or large?"
4. After they answer, say to them, "I'm committing myself to improving my talking and listening. With that in mind, I'm going to focus on talking to and talking with people instead of talking over or at them. And on the listening end, I'm going to focus on being a responsible and receptive listener instead of a removed or reactive one."
5. If they ask you what you mean, you can explain how they all show up from the explanations above.
6. Then, say to them, "Would it be alright if I checked in with you once a month for you to weigh in on how I'm coming across and what I could do to improve even more?"

To add icing on the cake (don't you just hate cliches?), why not reach out to those people and ask them if they believe they could improve their communication and if so, ask them if they'd like to buddy up with you so you can both improve on it together.