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When Bex Bastable, a 33-year-old mom of two, went into labor with her first child in October 2021, she knew exactly who she wanted by her side: her mom.
Luckily, the COVID-19 restrictions at her local hospital in Sussex, in the U.K., had just been lifted so she could have two birth partners. "Having my partner and my mom there for both of my labours made me feel like I had a great level of support, and it was nice to share it with them both," she told Newsweek. "I'd always wanted my mom at my births as she supported my sister through hers and she'd said it really helped."
Bastable said it helped that her mom had been through four labors herself, so knew what to expect. "She knew exactly how I was feeling, which added an extra layer of support," she said. "It also meant we could debrief after about how I was feeling throughout, and she knew exactly what I was talking about. It went so well, I invited her back the second time. If you've got a close relationship with your mom, I'd definitely recommend it."
Childbirth is a deeply personal experience. For some, having a partner in the delivery room is more than enough—and the thought of extending the guest list to the future grandparents is unthinkable. But for a growing number of women, having their own moms present is a great help.
Having a birth partner with practical experience—who has been through childbirth before—can be a huge benefit. While partners can attend antenatal classes and read up on what to expect, moms can offer instinctive, empathetic support.
Someone may want their mother with them as this is the person that still represents their key attachment figure and helps them feel safe, said therapist Amanda Macdonald, a member of the Counselling Directory.
"This bond is the source of comfort in a physical sense, but also in a deep psychological sense," she said. "People need to feel safe to deliver a baby, and at this most intimate and transformative time, turning to the person who has done it before—the mom that was there during the big milestones in life—is natural."
Ushma Mistry, from the Midlands in the U.K., said she had originally decided to have only her husband present during the birth of her first baby. But when things got difficult, the couple changed their minds and asked Mistry's mom, who was staying with them at the time, to come to the hospital.
"Despite doing antenatal classes and being told what to expect, I think my husband found the labour quite overwhelming," she said. "He then insisted she should be there at the birth so went home to fetch her and I'm so glad he did. There were a few hairy moments just as I was about to deliver our son and my husband went into full panic mode, whereas my mom remained calm and was a massive support to me."
Although Mistry never expected to have her mom next to her during childbirth, she is glad she did. "I firmly believe sharing that moment has led to the closeness my mom shares with my first born to this day," she said.
As any parent will confirm, childbirth is unpredictable. While it can be wonderful and emotional, it can also be deeply traumatic when things don't go to plan. Not all moms want to see their daughters experiencing pain or fear, or feeling vulnerable. There are also other reasons why someone may not want to be present, such as unresolved trauma from their own experiences giving birth.
Sarah*, who wanted to remain anonymous, had her mom present at the birth of her first child but not the second. "My mom begged me not to ask her again when I had my second because she found the first one so traumatic," she said.
But for Wendy Gregory, a counselling psychologist and writer from Slough in the U.K., the opportunity to witness becoming a grandmother was an honor—even though it was difficult.
"I felt deeply privileged, especially because my own mother died when I was six months pregnant with my first baby," she said. "My daughter rang me at 11pm on the day she was in labour. I was ready with my bag packed, but it was a long, protracted labour with contractions stopping and starting for two days."
"It was probably the most terrifying experience of my life. It's very hard to see your child, however adult they are, in such pain and not be able to help," Gregory added.
Finally, after an hour and a half of pushing, her daughter had an assisted delivery and out came Wendy's granddaughter. "All three of us sobbed with relief and joy and I held my baby granddaughter in my arms," she said. "She's two now and I still feel that we have a special bond. Would I do it again? Hell yes."
