Do You Have Toxic Parents? How to Set Boundaries With Difficult Family

There is no such thing as "the perfect parent". We've all fallen out with our parents at one point or another, to varying degrees, and it can be incredibly upsetting and distressing. Often, parents have the best intentions and want the best for their children, but inevitably, mistakes are made and feelings are hurt. Despite this, their desire to listen and understand the issue and their impulse to do better and make things right prevail.

When the desire to sustain and improve the relationship is not present, however, parents can display toxic behavior. This can manifest as ongoing and repetitive trauma, abuse, humiliation, indifference, and ill will. There are no apologies and no acknowledgment that they are in the wrong.

Toxic parenting can have major short and long-term effects, and in extreme cases result in a child or adult estranging themselves from their whole family, or family members. There is a lack of research providing conclusive statistics on this issue, although a 2020 U.S nationwide survey conducted by Karl Andrew Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University, showed that one in four Americans reported being estranged from another relative.

British charity Stand Alone, which aims to help young adults who are estranged from their families, suggests that estrangement affects one in five families, while the BBC reported in 2021 that academic researchers and therapists in Australia and Canada said they were witnessing a "silent epidemic" of family breakups.

Newsweek spoke to Becca Bland, chief executive and founder of Stand Alone, and Wendy O'Neill, a clinical psychologist based in London working with families facing emotional difficulties, about toxic parental behavior and its long and short-term effects.

How To Tell If Your Parent Is Toxic?

Bland and O'Neill agree that referring to the parents as toxic, not the behavior, can be problematic. "The term toxicity can be an unhelpful label that leads to the pathologizing of an individual," says O'Neill. "It reinforces the belief that an individual or individual's personality does not have the capacity to change and comes with negative assumptions and biases resulting in unhelpful generalizations. In my view, it is more helpful to consider situations or events that may be 'toxic' or examine the dynamics within a relationship."

Bland agrees, saying, "I do think the word can be derogatory. People are human, so I'd definitely rather refer to the behavior rather than the person as toxic. Ultimately some people just haven't done the work, and haven't got the wherewithal to be able to create healthy relationships."

Examples of toxic parenting behavior can, according to Bland, include shutting down opinions or feelings, stonewalling and refusing to talk about the parents' issues and their child's issues, and telling the child that they are the problem and that if they change things could be different. These behaviors can leave a person questioning whether their feelings or experiences are valid.

Other signs O'Neill mentions to look out for are, "when parents are overly critical of their children, they may be manipulative and controlling, don't take responsibility for their actions, they are unable to meet the child's emotional needs or there is only room for the emotions of the parent or their emotions dictate the home environment, the parent-child role is reversed, the parent may be blaming or shaming of a child's behavior, communication being shut down, and the love from a parent having conditions e.g. failing is not acceptable."

Why Are Parents Toxic?

The main reason Bland sees young adults wanting to estrange themselves from their parents is abuse: emotional, physical, and sexual. Divorce and remarriage can be a big factor when a new step-parent might reject their stepchild, forcing them out of the house.

Issues of children born to immigrant parents can sometimes arise when these children want to enjoy the opportunities available in their country of birth or childhood, when the parents are from more conservative societies. "Immigration can cause generational issues," she says, "When parents move to a new country for a variety of reasons their children may want to use the freedoms of said country. This may include avoiding arranged marriages, studying non-vocational subjects like the arts and sports, and we see a lot of young people choosing to step away from their families for these reasons."

O'Neill cites the concept of "family scripts" put forward by child and family psychiatrist John Byng-Hall in his 1995 book Rewriting Family Scripts. He describes "self-destructive routines so predictable that members seem to be following a script; each one coming in on cue as the plot unfolds".

"For example," explains O'Neill, "a parent themselves may have grown up in an invalidating environment in which caregiver's response is to ignore, minimize, control or punish a child's inner emotional experiences. A parent may have learnt that in order to receive care, there were conditions attached, which results in an individual developing maladaptive interactions or patterns in order to get their needs met. Like above they may also have been responded to by a critical or hostile parent or have formed an insecure attachment to their caregiver from early childhood."

The Effects Toxic Parenting Has On Children

Growing up in an invalidating environment can lead to a child developing negative self-image, unhelpful ways of relating to others, and difficulty managing emotions into adulthood. "For example," says O'Neill, "they may express their needs through attention-seeking behavior. A person may have a fear of conflict or develop unhelpful communication styles. The person may also struggle to maintain personal boundaries, trust people, or struggle to ask for help, and be at increased risk of developing psychological distress."

"Short term," explains Bland, "a young adult who is experiencing toxic parenting or who has estranged themselves from their parents due to the situation may experience a lot of trauma and a breakdown in basic things like housing. Being repetitively told you don't have a voice and you don't matter can very easily spin you out into a mental health crisis, combined with long-term family trauma."

The long-term effects that can trouble people into adulthood can include "not being able to be authentic in your relationships" she explains, "holding back, not being able to trust in all sorts of relationships; work, friendship and romantic, and social isolation that can lead to further mental health problems."

How To Deal With A Toxic Parent

Coping methods for dealing with toxic parenting and its effects depend on the severity of the relationships. "It may be that the most important step that can be taken is to stop contact with the parent," says O'Neill, "however there may be a possibility to work with the parent to change the relationship, in which instance these tips may be helpful:

1. Understand and be aware of your boundaries from the start—be clear with your parent as to what the boundaries are and these may change depending on the situation.

2. Know the triggers within the relationship and have a plan on how to manage situations that may elicit painful feelings e.g. removing self from the situation.

3. Have realistic goals as to what you want and need from the relationship and what is possible within the context of the relationship and what is important to you.

4. Remember you can only control your own responses and reactions and not those of your parent, so don't spend your energy trying to change them.

5. Remember your feelings and experiences are valid and take care of yourself.

If in fact, estrangement is the only option, it's important to remember that this is a valid and sometimes necessary step. Generational differences have added a huge stigma to estrangement, and Bland observed that "people born in the 80s, 90s, and 00s have a very strong understanding of self-care and worth, and many have tried therapy.

"They want to do the work and tackle that generational trauma that has been passed down by family members that have not put the work in due to lack of support or access to resources."

"Nobody wants to have these kinds of relationships with family members, but the reality is a lot of us do," she continues, "One of the things we do at Stand Alone is lobby for people who are 18-24 to have the same rights as minors who often have the support of social services and youth resources. One of the main things I want to see is older generations changing their narrative about younger generations, and see that they are not just complaining all the time, or talking needlessly about their mental health, they're trying to break the patterns, live the best life they can with meaningful relationships, and pass as little of their own problems down to their children."

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.