Signs That You Were Raised by Toxic Parents

Do you have low self-esteem, lack boundaries, fear rejection and find it hard to cope with stress and anxiety? There are some of the signs that you may have been raised by toxic parents.

Psychiatrist Dr. Cassandra Boduch, chief medical officer at PsychPlus, told Newsweek that a toxic person is typically defined as "someone whose conduct brings aggression and upset into your day-to-day existence."

Being around toxic people can be detrimental for your health and well-being. But what about when these people are your own parents? How does this impact your life as an adult?

A November 2022 study in the International Journal of Social Health found that there is a relationship between toxic parents and mental health in children.

The study said that the family is the first and most important factor in the child's development and the family environment will significantly affect children's mental health, namely the parenting pattern of parents and family conditions.

The study's findings showed that the relationship between children and their parents can support the formation of social competence and the existence of children in general and affect self-esteem, emotional maturity and physical health.

It's important to note that being raised by toxic parents doesn't mean you're guaranteed to become toxic later in life, Boduch said.

However, the psychiatrist warned that toxic parents "could have a significantly more harmful and long-term effect on you than most other people. In fact, it could stay with you for your whole life, and play a significant role in the type of person you become."

Below, mental health experts unpack some of the signs that you've been raised by toxic parents.

Struggling With Self-Esteem

Matthew Schubert is a licensed professional counselor (LPC) based in Boise, Idaho, specializing in child therapy, parenting support and other areas. He told Newsweek that low self-esteem is a common struggle among those raised by toxic parents.

"An individual's self-esteem is developed over an extended duration of time through learned stimulus. A parent constantly belittling, criticizing and/or emotionally abusing their child will present a set of stimuli that significantly impairs that child's self-esteem for the rest of their lives," said the LPC, who is the CEO of Gem State Wellness, which offers counseling services in Idaho.

Lack of Boundaries and Coping Mechanisms

The children of toxic parents may find themselves constantly accommodating the needs of other people at the expense of their own well-being as adults.

"The term for this type of behavior is echoism and is more common in adults raised by toxic parents," Schubert said. "It relates back to low self-esteem because people with echoism don't have the confidence to advocate for themselves."

Those who grew up with toxic parents may find it challenging to cope with stress, anger or anxiety as a result of not learning healthy emotional coping mechanisms during childhood, he added.

"In a life filled with millions of stimuli every day, it is imperative that individuals have coping mechanisms to help regulate their emotions."

Negative Outlook on Life

Boduch explained that "if you had a mother or a father who was very negative, then they could influence you to see the world as a cruel and cold place."

This type of upbringing may have seen your parents "ruin the fun" at family events, "tell you that things are worse than they are" and that "you yourself have negative traits that you, in fact, do not have," she said.

Over time, such parents would "dampen their children's spirits with unfair and defeatist comments and behavior," she warned.

Fear of Rejection and Trust Issues

Toxic parenting often entails "inconsistent or conditional love," which can lead to a fear of rejection or abandonment in adult relationships, Schubert said: "This fear may result in difficulty forming close and trusting connections with others."

Boduch added that your parents may have been toxic toward you by being dishonest.

"Their lies could create serious trust issues for the rest of your life," she said.

Their dishonesty can lead you to learn from childhood "that people will not be honest with you and this could fuel feelings of betrayal and unease," she added.

Overachievement or Rebellion

Schubert noted that toxic parents tend to impose "unrealistic expectations and high standards" on their kids. This can lead to feelings of "never being good enough" and constantly seeking validation and approval.

"Most children will act on these feelings by being an overachiever or becoming rebellious," he said. "These actions allow the child to get the attention of those around them and can become learned behaviors into adulthood."

No Guarantee You'll Become Toxic

Boduch said it's important to bear in mind that we should not rush to conclusions about the fate of people raised by toxic parents.

Being raised by toxic parents does not guarantee that you will be a toxic adult," she said, noting that "human nature just does not always work that way, for a number of reasons."

She explained that some people learn to be positive in response to being surrounded by negativity.

"It turns into the only thing that keeps them going," she said.

Some learn to be hopeful in response to "being surrounded by people who are dour," she added.

Many people who grew up with toxic parents, she said, will "turn hardships into strengths and go on to live a happy and successful life, even if they do have to spend time in adulthood recalling the toxic times during their upraising and fighting to make sure they don't determine who they become and how they live."

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