Woman Refusing to Care for Her Grandkids During an 'Emergency' Praised

A woman expecting her mom to provide childcare has divided the internet's opinion.

In a viral post shared on the popular discussion site Mumsnet, user Lollipopsandicecream reached out to other parents to find out if grandparents should help with childcare.

She explained she's busy with "extremely stressful" work and has two sons, aged five and three. She described her husband as 'MIA' due to work commitments.

Newsweek reached out to a psychotherapist who described motherhood as "exhausting" and offered some advice for the Mumsnet user.

She said: "My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5 pm, cook dinner, night-time routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It's been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it's been a lot and I've had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything."

According to a new Care.com survey, 72 percent of 3,000 U.S. adults say child care is more expensive, and 46 percent of families say child care is more difficult to find, due to the pandemic.

This mom most likely agrees, as she explained how she turned to her mom for help when in desperate need. She wrote about a conversation that took place a few years back.

She said: "I'd called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don't have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She has never stepped up. For example, last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far as to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn't do it and as she had booked a trip couldn't cancel it so she couldn't even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!"

The woman also revealed her mother has seen the kids "about six times" this year and looked after them four times.

More recently, she explained that her mom had suggested her 19-year-old brother could babysit the boys as there was an emergency at the Mumsnet user's workplace. In the comments, the mom pointed out that her husband was involved, which is why they wanted an overnight babysitter.

She declined the offer because her teen brother has "never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter."

"I pleaded with her and she didn't say anything. It couldn't have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I couldn't get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need. I've not spoken to her since."

She concludes the post by saying: "I'm hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don't want the boys to miss out on her but I'm struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them if she can't be there for us when we really need her."

'It Won't Be Like This Forever'

Newsweek spoke to Charlotte Fox Webber, a psychotherapist and the author of WHAT WE WANT.

She said: "Motherhood is exhausting and the fact that this mother apologizes for the length of her message and wonders if readers will make it to the end says a great deal! When you're unheard and unseen it can feel like a life of quiet desperation. I want this mother to know she's heard right now— I feel for her so much.

"Mothers need to be mothered. Sadly, it's not always possible, and this is a powerful illustration of the disillusioning discovery of limitations. This woman's mother overpromised and she's fallen short. I urge this mother to learn from this how important it is to be realistic about her own limitations too. She's overwrought with burdens and responsibilities, however joyous her children are. We've all been there — well most of us anyway — and it's not easy. Acknowledging how hard it is matters."

"I wonder if that's part of the pain with her mother — the lack of acknowledgment. It's possible that her mother feels overwhelmed looking after her grandsons, but she hasn't addressed it or offered insight to her daughter about the incongruence. Having recognized the lack of support for her daughter compared to her own from when she had young children, there's a gap. Her mother seems unable to fill that gap. Reading this message there's a sense of loss. This mother has lost her belief that her mother can help her in the way she needs.

"Her silence seems like a protest and a punishment, which is understandable given how unfair this situation sounds, but the punishment may be depriving everyone even more. I'm wanting to encourage this mother to advocate for herself, perhaps with her husband too. Rather than isolate herself further, seeking connection and support would help her feel less alone with her responsibilities. Would it be possible to reconnect the grandmother with her grandsons and also acknowledge the hurt? Whatever the response— when no response at all— it can be empowering to express hurt feelings. Self-compassion is always a good idea. One final point: however difficult and overwhelming life is right now, it won't be like this forever."

What Do the Comments Say?

Almost 150 people have commented on the post to back the grandma, and one user said: "It's so unreasonable to expect your mum, who had no role nor say in the procreation of these children, to do things that you don't expect your husband, the actual father of these children, to do."

"Should she? No. Yes, it might be helpful for you and nice for the children if she did but that doesn't mean she has to do it. They're your children, not hers, they're also your husband's children and you haven't mentioned being annoyed at him or his family," another said.

Another user wrote: "I was going to suggest maybe she struggled to be a mum, hence your grandparents were very involved. Maybe she thought she would be a more confident grandparent and realized she isn't."

Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of the case.