How Often Should You Visit Your Parents? 'Exhausting' In-Law Sparks Debate

A post about an "exhausting" mother-in-law who is "relentless" about wanting her grown-up kids to visit her has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.

In the post, on the Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum, user Aumtumnthenwinter said: "I find MIL [mother-in-law] exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

"We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP [dear partner] problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless," the user said.

A poll conducted by the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute, a Christian nonprofit based in Colorado, asked: "What are the greatest problems you face in dealing with your parents or in-laws, and how will you relate differently to your grown children than your parents have to you?" The top response (44 percent) of the more than 2,600 replies received cited "the inability or unwillingness of parents to release their grown children and permit them to live their own lives," the nonprofit reported in October 2016.

Why do some parents find it so difficult to let go of their adult children?

In a March 2021 article for Care.com, a Texas-based company providing access to various care services, including childcare and senior care, Niro Feliciano, a licensed clinical social worker, a psychotherapist and anxiety specialist in Wilton, Connecticut., said: "Some parents received their main source of validation through their relationships with their children, and although their children have grown and no longer need them in the same way, these adults continue to seek it from them."

Wendy O'Neill, a clinical psychologist based in London who works with individuals and families with emotional difficulties, told Newsweek: "It sounds as if the mother-in-law is lonely and is setting the emotional tone of the relationship. Perhaps she is struggling with them moving away and she could be encouraged to find meaningful activities or spend time with friends."

According to a 2020 study by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine: "Social isolation and loneliness are serious yet under-appreciated public health risks that affect a significant portion of the older adult population."

The study found that around a quarter of "community-dwelling Americans" aged 65 and older are considered to be socially isolated, while "a significant proportion" of adults in the country report feeling lonely.

In a later post, the Mumsnet user said: "I think this boils down to how MIL is wired," noting that the mother-in-law lived around the corner from her own mother-in-law and mom. "She's hated that we've moved away (less than 100 miles away) which caused a hella lot of wailing," the user said.

The mother-in-law "isn't a fan of just 'popping in' for say an hour or so therefore that doesn't count as a visit."

The user asked: "What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her."

The original poster noted: "We also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and I've got friends/family too."

O'Neill said: "There is no 'normal' amount of time that should be expected as all families have different sets of values and ways of relating, so having an open conversation about expectations would be important."

The psychologist advised that perhaps the couple in the latest post could ask the mother-in-law about "what her expectations are for them to visit and then be clear about their boundaries and what is realistic for them in the context of their lives."

Tricky Debate

The latest post sparked debate among users on Mumsnet, with many being more understanding of the original poster and less sympathetic towards the mother-in-law.

User ChaToilLeam said: "TBH [to be honest] it's not the frequency, it's the wailing. Why does she think that would make you more inclined to visit?...It really depends on your proximity and commitments. Doesn't she have anything else going on in her life?"

Usre AnneLovesGilbert said: "Everyone's circumstances are different. Is there an amount you could see her that would stop her complaining? I suspect not in which case just do what suits the two of you and ignore the wailing. Leave plans to DP."

Clairejay34 said: "Once every few weeks" would suffice, while Hbh17 said: "A couple of times a year is ample," for visiting the mother-in-law.

User Menwithvenn said the situation in the latest post is "sad." The user said: "I'm sat with my just turned one year old asleep on me and hoping that he doesn't one day consider seeing me to be a chore...It's just sad..."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.