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A former wife has split opinions online after confessing her desire to attend her ex-husband's funeral, despite his second wife telling her not to.
The anonymous woman took to popular online forum Mumsnet to share her dilemma, prompting an influx of mixed reactions.
She explained in the post that her first husband was the father of her children, and recently passed away. With the funeral coming up the very next day, she claimed to be stuck in a predicament, pondering whether or not to go.
"We had a happy marriage, but he left me for the other woman," she wrote. "Fast forward 40 years, he had a whole new family with the other woman and my children have asked me to go to support them at the funeral."
Admitting that she "did shed a few tears" upon hearing of his death, she added that she has heard that "apparently his wife has banned me immediately from attending once hearing that I will be coming."
It's unsurprising that the first wife has found herself undecided about how to handle the situation, as it is far from an easy one. The death of a former spouse is often dubbed "disenfranchised grief" meaning grief that is not validated by others—a term coined by bereavement expert Kenneth J. Doka.
According to Litsa Williams, cofounder of WhatsYourGrief.com, who spoke to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), speaking to the family of a deceased former partner is vital when deciding to attend the funeral. Williams said it's important to reach a place where "everybody can feel like they're having their need for that ritual met [...] while being respectful of each other."
With such a divisive subject, respondents to the anonymous ex-wife were left split over just how she should handle the situation.
"There isn't a straightforward answer to whether a first wife (or husband) should go to an ex's funeral. I understand the reasons why you would want to, but so much depends on the relationship in the years since the split," noted one user.
"From the fact you say she has banned you, then I would say don't go. It is the last place anyone would want an undignified scene. Without knowing anything about the situation, 40 years seems a long time for there to be such animosity, but clearly it is there, so don't go."
Many agreed and said that the anonymous ex-partner should not attend the funeral, given the potential to cause upset.
"Personally I think she should stay well away, it's been 40 years and she's not the wife any longer and hasn't been for a very long time," said one user.
"His wife (the one he was most recently married to, not you!) is the primary mourner. If she has 'banned' you, then don't go and upset her on what will already be a very difficult day for her (far more difficult for her than for you)," added another. "It would be nice if she hadn't 'banned' you but she (apparently) has."
"It makes me wonder why? My husband has banned his ex from ever visiting a hospital he is in. We haven't discussed funerals but I would ban her from that too," they continued to admit.
"If you haven't had direct contact for 40 years, there was probably a reason. Either on your side or his. Leave it that way. Your kids are all 40+ and do not need your support at a funeral. They will be able to support one another just fine, possibly easier."
Others however were left prompting the woman to attend, despite wishes not to, citing her time with him as a good enough reason. "No one is invited to a funeral," claimed one user. "If you wish to pay your respects, you go.
"I think you have every right to attend the funeral of the father of your children. Whether or not you wish to attend is entirely your choice."
Another agreed, adding: "The wife doesn't own him and doesn't have the monopoly on grief. You were married and he is the father of your children. You have every right to go to the funeral and his wife can't just wipe out his past."
The poster has yet to provide an update on whether or not she eventually decided to attend the funeral.
