Mother-in-Law Demanding 'Specific' Christmas Gifts From Her Family Dragged

A frustrated woman has asked Mumsnet if she is being unreasonable to want to go against her mother-in-law's wishes at Christmas. She explained that at this already stressful time of year, her mother-in-law is expecting multiple expensive gifts, despite rising energy prices and the general cost of living crisis.

Now 90 percent of Mumsnet users voted that the original poster (OP) is not being unreasonable to want to celebrate Christmas her way.

User MyNDfamily said, "Christmas is getting too much." She said that her mother-in-law sends out a Christmas list every year with "quite expensive items" on it.

"Then everyone else, myself, (my husband, brother-in-law, sister-in-law) etc. are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists to buy for each other. The problem is as the (families) are growing, getting married, having DCs, the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult (send) my own mother such a list."

Explaining that she had already agreed with her husband that they were not getting presents for each other and that their two children would have five each, she said, "We don't want to overspend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas."

According to a poll by Gallup, Americans are planning to spend an average of $932 on gifts this Christmas, higher than their estimates in both 2021 and 2020, which were $837 and $805 respectively. The figure is closer to the estimate in 2019, which was $942.

Newsweek spoke to family expert Ruth Freeman, a psychotherapist and founder and president of parental resource hub Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, about this difficult situation.

Freeman said: "When people marry, regardless of their backgrounds, it is always the coming together of two different cultures. This woman is encountering a very different culture from that of the OP that seems to have become more extreme since she joined the family. It seems like there are a few choices here.

"One is to drop out of the process altogether, which may cause the partner some distress. Another is to leave it to the partner to handle the gifts. Even though he may spend more money than the planned amount, at least it takes the pressure off the OP. A third option is to communicate with the entire family about their preferences.

"That might start with a conversion with one or two family members with whom the OP feels a positive connection. I would let them know that I'd prefer to focus less on gifts and more on the holiday and ask about their point of view on the matter.

Offering tips on how to communicate these feelings, Freeman said: "I always recommend using clean 'I' statements: 'I feel,' 'I think,' and avoid blaming or shaming." The family expert provided examples of solution-based statements:

• "I feel stressed and frustrated (or whatever authentic emotions you experience) when I think about spending a lot of money on gifts and adding more stuff into our already overwhelmed environment."
• "Maybe we can think about some different options like each person buying for one other person or buying gifts just for the kids?"
• "Anyone else have some ideas about alternatives?"

Freeman noted that the temptation is to argue about being right and others being wrong.

"You will be much more persuasive and do less harm to family relationships by just expressing your internal experience and preferences, even though it is easy to argue that the holiday has become too materialistic and we've lost touch with the real meaning. Trying to convince people that they are wrong or bad just doesn't improve family relationships and often does the opposite which really isn't a gift to yourself, your partner, or anyone else."

Only 10 percent of users said the OP was being unreasonable.

User FictionalCharacter said, "Of course it's not normal and I bet your (husband) doesn't think so either. He just wants to go along with it so he doesn't have to confront her."

User poorlybubbas wrote, "My MIL writes a list too. It really irritates me for some reason! Usually with name of item, price and where you can buy it from."

User Beautiful3 commented, "Just do what we did. Explain in November that, 'Due to finances, we will only be buying presents for the children. Please do not buy us any present.' We did this a few years ago, it's been the best thing ever. We're so happy."

Newsweek could not verify the details of the case.