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A sibling has taken to Reddit to ask if they are an a****** for not wanting to go out with their sister and her new baby. In the post on the r/AmItheA******* subreddit, user Bumbie_Boat describes how they recently traveled overseas to help their sister with her new baby, only to find themselves burnt out and hiding in their room.
In the post they explain how they went over to help with the baby because her brother-in-law couldn't take leave from work.
"The problem is," they explain, "my sister is an extremely outgoing person and loves going to places/trying out new things. Me on the other hand, I'm burnt out and all I'm thinking about for an outing is how I will be carrying the stroller across the long metro stairs, the baby needing a diaper change and us running to the nearest toilet, the heavy traffic, the loud noises, in short I see it as stress and a chore, not something I'd do out of enjoyment."
They go on to explain how their sister became frustrated about them not wanting to go out, "she grumbled about no one caring about her" and adds that they are doing "all the household maintenance and cooking except for folding their laundry, cleaning up their bedroom, or grocery shopping as her husband takes care of these. Some nights when I hear the baby crying and none of them woke up I go feed him and put him back to sleep.
"During the day, we can both be in the house and I'd be the one changing him up sometimes. When she's out I watch him. When she needs to go to her doctor appointments I go with her and watch him outside. When we went out on outings before, I'd take care of the stroller and carrying the bags."
According to the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) the postpartum period begins after the delivery of a baby and ends when your body has nearly returned to its pre-pregnant state, usually after six to eight weeks.
"During the postpartum period you will move through many changes, both emotionally and physically," URMC says. "You are learning how to deal with all the changes needed with becoming a new mother. You and your partner are also learning how to care for your newborn and how to function as a changed family unit. You need to take good care of yourself to rebuild your strength. You will need plenty of rest, good nutrition, and help during the first few weeks."
Newsweek spoke to Ruth E. Freeman, LCSW, founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions about Bumbie_Boat's predicament.
"Kudos to sibling who has traveled to come support this new mother. This is an issue of boundaries which can challenge even the most intelligent and caring individuals," Freeman said. "It sounds like neither sibling is able to negotiate very clearly and both just blame each other for not wanting to do what the other desires.
"Visiting sibling might say, 'I hear that going out is very important to you and I want to help. Going out with the baby feels like much more of a problem to me. Let's see what we can do to address our differences. One idea is that I am willing to go out if you are responsible for the stroller and diaper changes. How would that be?'"
"In general the sibling can think about any places where they may feel comfortable going and for what period of time. They can request that the baby's mom is responsible for whatever tasks are undesirable to them.
"This breakdown is sad and probably affects the baby more than either sibling realizes. Just recognizing that something is important to someone you love and laying out parameters about how you are willing to help can go a long way."
Reddit users decided that the original poster (OP) was 'not the a******'.
User Ihateyou1975 commented: "You don't want to go out and you don't have to. You gave her choices. You are there to help with the baby. Not her going out."
LavenderDragon18 wrote: "I would have just been happy for someone to hold my baby so I could get some cleaning done or go take a shower. Forget going out. I would be so grateful to have someone do half of what OP has done."
User Lenepena said: "OP is here to help with chores and taking care of the baby. Her sister can go outside alone or with other friends/relatives. She doesn't need to guilt trip OP who is doing enough."
Newsweek reached out to user Bumbie_Boat for comment.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured in Newsweek.
About the writer
Leonie Helm is a Newsweek Life Reporter and is based in London, UK. Her focus is reporting on all things ... Read more