Woman Transitions to Male Then Changes Her Mind—'There Was Something Wrong'

It is said that happiness comes from within, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case for 28-year-old Alia Ismail, who felt uncomfortable in her body from a young age.

Ismail, from Detroit, Michigan, found herself wearing masculine clothes before she was even a teenager, as she dispelled any girly aesthetic at an early age. She told Newsweek that she "wasn't accepted" socially and gradually came to believe that "there was something wrong" with her.

Comments about her lack of femininity, and her own unease about her body, caused Ismail to disassociate from these feelings so she wouldn't have to deal with them.

"People would mistake me for a boy when I was younger, or tell me that I shouldn't wear boys' clothes," Ismail said. "When I was around the age of 11, I was told by my uncle that I should shave my legs, and the girls told me I had hairy arms.

"This made me feel like I wasn't a normal, feminine girl. When my breasts started to grow around that age, I felt immense discomfort because I now had to wear a bra. My body was changing, and I knew I would have to change as well, but at the time I didn't feel ready to."

She explained that she "swept a lot of feelings under the rug" for years before starting to consider the gravity of what she felt. By the time Ismail turned 18, she began socially transitioning by dressing in men's clothes and going by the name Issa.

Younger People Significantly More Likely to Transition

The transgender community is constantly growing as more individuals no longer feel bound by the constraints of earlier generations. Now, more people feel able to embrace their true identity expression and it's estimated that 1.6 million Americans currently identify as transgender.

The data, collected by the Williams Institute of Law, also reveals that 18 percent of the people who identify as transgender are ages 13 to 17. The research highlighted that on average, younger people are significantly more likely to identify as trans than those over 65.

There have been few long-term studies into the rate of detransitioning in the U.S. One study found that the rate of regret in the transgender or gender non-binary population after gender-affirmation surgeries was under 1 percent. The largest study, the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey, found 8 percent of respondents had detransitioned temporarily or permanently at some point and that the majority did so only temporarily.

Republicans have introduced a slew of bills in state legislatures seeking to limit trans rights. Most of the bills target the right of minors to get gender-affirming care, the participation of transgender women and girls in female sports or restrictions on teaching about gender issues to young children.

'I Was Missing My Feminine Expression'

It's no secret that the teenage years can be formative, and this was also around the time when Ismail began to question her own gender identity, and decided she no longer wanted to conform.

After beginning the transition on a social level, with male pronouns, a new name and masculine clothing, Ismail started taking testosterone at age 20.

She said that "transitioning looks different for everyone," and every journey will have its own personal boundaries and accomplishments.

"For me, I went as far as I wanted in order to feel comfortable in my body during that time," she said.

However, once Ismail began identifying as Issa, that nagging feeling of unease and discomfort inside her body didn't disappear. She hoped that transitioning would conquer those negative feelings about herself, but that wasn't the case.

"At around the third or fourth year [of identifying as a male], I wasn't as comfortable in my expression, and I was self-sabotaging my relationships. I was missing my feminine expression in ways that weren't clear to me," she said. "It took a lot of time to understand my actions and how they reflected what I felt. It wasn't until I'd been on hormones for almost six years that I realized I wanted to de-transition.

"When I said to myself that I could detransition, I felt instant relief and my intuition felt right. I realized that I had been unhappy in my gender as a male for a long time."

Once Ismail had the epiphany about what she was going to do, she admits that it "felt like a weight was lifted." But that euphoria was short-lived as she started to fear what other people would think about her decision to firstly transition to a male before reversing the changes and going back to the gender of her birth.

She said: "I felt hopeful, but I was nervous because I didn't know anything who had de-transitioned. At the time, in 2020, there were only two people who spoke of their detransition and neither of them looked like me, or were on hormones for as long, or had the same surgery I had.

"I felt the way I had in the beginning of my transition, which was hard because I had to figure it all out on my own again."

Ismail temporarily stopped taking testosterone in 2020 for four months before going back on it as she wasn't certain of her decision at the time. However, by February 2021, her mind was made up and she permanently stopped taking the hormone replacement.

Once she stopped taking testosterone, Ismail also had laser hair removal on her face and parts of her body to remove her masculine appearance.

"I decided to come off testosterone and my natural estrogen was the dominant hormone again," she said. "I am considering a breast reconstruction through fat grafting, but I don't plan on doing anything further.

"When I looked online, the information about de-transitioning was scarce. There was a lot of negativity, hopelessness, regret and shame, and that was really hard to see."

'I Should Have Thoroughly Dissected My Traumas'

Ismail has documented her experiences on social media (@aliaxismail) to connect with others, broaden perspectives and educate people about the difficulties of transitioning.

For the most post, social media has been a supportive outlet for Ismail, and her videos gather many grateful and fascinated viewers. One video which outlined the decision to detransition amassed more than 2.8 million views since being posted.

"When I first decided to transition, I enjoyed sharing my journey online," she said. "So, when I decided to de-transition, I knew I had to do the same.

"I didn't want to feel like I was hiding this part, and I knew there would be someone who needed guidance, just like I did, especially as I couldn't find anyone, and I didn't want someone else to deal with that."

Rae McDaniel is a non-binary therapist, coach, and transgender diversity and inclusion educator, who has worked with many clients at various stages of exploring their gender.

McDaniel told Newsweek that our culture makes gender exploration "a big deal," but if we regard it as personal growth instead, much of the "distress around gender would simply disappear."

"Any sort of shift in gender identity and expression often brings with it a great deal of anxiety, distress, and often shame," McDaniel said. "Certainly, if someone has medically transitioned, there are physical implications if they wish to stop taking hormone therapy or have any surgeries.

"However, these same implications would apply if someone went on or off hormones for things like birth control or menopause, or decided they wanted to change the size of their chest through a boob job."

When exploring self-expression, McDaniel admits that transitioning isn't a perfect solution that can remove all feelings of anxiety or unease. But a person shouldn't look for success in gender expression but rather ability to be authentic and finding happiness from within.

"As a therapist, I'm always in favor of folks getting support when considering, or going through a big life transition of any kind, including gender," said McDaniel, the author of GENDER MAGIC: Live Shamelessly, Reclaim Your Joy, & Step into Your Most Authentic Self. "It's helpful to have a safe space to explore feelings about gender, develop skills for self-trust and decision-making.

"The world is a better place when everyone has the opportunity to be their most authentic selves, free from fear and shame."

Fortunately for Ismail, she said her family has "supported [her] throughout everything" she's done. It certainly hasn't been easy, but Ismail hopes to be open and vulnerable about her experiences so others won't feel as alone.

When Ismail reflects on the turbulence of the past decade, she admits that she sometimes feels a "hyper realization" about the decisions she's made. None of her life choices have been straightforward, but she is always growing and learning more about herself.

"Even with my transition, my family knew I was logically sound," she said. "I think we all agree that I should have thoroughly dissected my traumas, and how they affected my view of myself. But otherwise, they knew I would have always wondered if I didn't transition. When I decided to detransition, they knew I had done a lot of thinking about what would be the best decision for me.

"A lot of friends have been there for me throughout, but I have lost some friends. Any time you do something that doesn't align with certain people, they will always have something negative to say. No matter what your life choice is, there will always be someone who doesn't agree."

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