I Want To Buy My Ex a Wedding Gift Despite No Invite—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I was married to a man from 2008 to 2011 and then I divorced him because he went to prison for attacking me with a knife after a fight we had. There was some abuse in the relationship but I really did love him. I did not press charges against him, but the city did against my will. After he went to prison, I did choose to divorce him.

I lost touch with him while he was in prison and he did not contact me again until 2014. He said he had found Jesus and wanted to remarry me. In 2015, we remarried and things were great at first. However, after a few months, I noticed that he was isolating me from others and some of the abusive habits came back. In 2018, he threw me across the room and although I was not badly hurt I had had enough and left him that day. I got my second divorce from him legally processed in 2020.

He is a great guy most of the time. I know it is hard for some people to believe, but we have remained friends even to this day. I have a loving boyfriend and have no interest in doing anything romantic with him. He has a girlfriend and feels the same way.

We have occasionally met and eaten in public to discuss how we are doing. We will also send each other news links to things we know the other person would like to read. Sometimes we even text or call to ask if the other is doing alright or needs anything. My boyfriend and his girlfriend know we do this and are OK with it.

We realize that we can only love each other as friends and that if we are together we risk his temper flaring up, causing him to possibly hurt me or go to prison again. Because we want what is best for each of us, we do not want to try to reconcile again and have chosen to move on with our lives.

On our last dinner out, he informed me he was getting married to his girlfriend. I am very happy for him and wish them both the best. I have been told I am not invited to the wedding because he does not want there to be a scene between me and his bride or other friends of his. I am fine with this. I would have chosen not to go even if I had been invited.

Should I give him a wedding gift? I would definitely get my other friend a wedding gift, but he is also my ex. I would not give a gift to any of my other exes. It is difficult for me to decide what to do because I want to honor our friendship, but I also want to acknowledge that it might be awkward for him to accept a wedding gift from his ex-wife.

Cindy, Unknown

Do You Still Love Him In A Romantic Way?

Dr. Carole Lieberman is a board-certified Beverly Hills forensic psychiatrist and co-author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How To Live with Them and When To Leave Them.

Dear Ex-Wife,

First of all, you did the right thing—twice—in divorcing him. He will not change his abusive tendencies unless he gets a lot of psychotherapy and possibly medication, as well. However, it seems like you really still love him in a romantic way, even though you tried to keep it as just friends, which was the safer course to take. The fact that you are wanting to give him a wedding gift is a sign that you don't want him to forget you.

You want to stir up his romantic nostalgic memories each time he looks at the gift and you want his new wife to remember you, too. You need to be careful that your romantic passion doesn't rear its head and cause you to do something impulsive like contacting him to get back together. This would be mistake number 3.

It also seems as though the relationship you're in isn't giving you the same excitement and fulfillment as the relationship you had with your ex, or else you wouldn't still be preoccupied with the ex. Men who are abusive are very passionate and exciting, which is an aphrodisiac—but not worth the real danger.

It Would Be More Than Acceptable To Send Nothing

Zoe Burke is a leading wedding expert and editor of Hitched.co.uk.

If we're talking about typical wedding etiquette, then it is generally considered polite to send a gift for a wedding you've been invited to, even if you have to decline the invitation. Oftentimes, the same rules can even apply if you're not actually invited at all, though it's certainly not an expectation at all.

But generally, if you do really like a couple and do want to help them celebrate their wedding, then it's always a lovely surprise to send a gift even if you're not in attendance on the day. That being said, in a more complicated situation like this one, it would honestly be more than acceptable for you to send them nothing at all.

Most newlyweds would certainly not expect to receive a gift from someone they've not invited to their wedding—especially if that person is an ex, so in this instance, I think you're more than safe to not send them anything.

If you still feel really strongly about it, and you're still conflicted about what to do, you could always post them a lovely, personal wedding card sending them your sincere well-wishes and congratulations on their wedding day. Heartfelt messages can often mean a lot more to couples, and this will show that you truly do wish them happiness together.