My Daughter's Adults-Only Wedding Is Dividing Our Family—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my daughter will be getting married in 2024 and she has chosen to only have adults aged 21 years and over at her wedding. My sister and my niece are upset because my daughter was a flower girl in my niece's wedding, and now her children (who are 14 and 16 years old) are not invited to her wedding.

They have said to not even bother sending a save-the-date or wedding invitation! They do live far away, and it would be very expensive for them to come. I have had a great relationship with my sister, even though I haven't talked to my niece in 20 years, we always asked about each other's children and how they were all doing.

My other sister is mad as well because she wanted her younger grandchildren to come as well. I had planned a family get-together with all the families while they were here, since my sisters, their children, and mine have not been together in 20 years. I understand life is busy, but they are making me feel horrible because of what my daughter wants for her wedding.

We even told them we will arrange sitters for all the children. My daughter has been the flower girl in two other friends' weddings that we haven't seen in 20 years as well. My question is, am I wrong for not inviting the other two couples whom we have lost contact with? And what do I need to do with my sisters and their grandchildren? I am the youngest of my sisters and there is a 10-year age difference. Please help!

Laura, Unknown

Respect and Support Their Request

Sarah Klingman is the CEO and founder of gthr, a wedding planning & coordination business.

Dear Laura, deciding if a wedding is family-friendly or adults-only is always a really tough decision for the engaged couple to make, as it's a sensitive topic. It's important to strike a balance between being accommodating and creating the couple's ideal atmosphere.

While most couples desire to be inclusive, in practice, accommodating families can be challenging and costly. Adding children significantly expands the guest count and consequently limits the number of the couple's friends who can be included.

Additionally, not including children allows for an interruption-free ceremony and gives parents a chance to have a night out and enjoy the celebration. We all know how little ones can bring their own special brand of excitement to any event.

As a mom of three, I understand the joys and challenges of having children at a wedding. It can be a wonderful experience, but it can also be a bit overwhelming. Sometimes, it's nice to have a break and enjoy a night of dancing and celebration with our partners, without any distractions.

All of that said, ultimately the choice is up to the engaged couple. My advice is to respect and support their request. There are wonderful resources for childcare available today, and many hotels even have preferred services they can recommend while the adults enjoy the festivities.

In terms of inviting those you've lost contact with, it's important to remember that a wedding is a celebration of the couple's union, not a reunion. If the individuals are significant in the couple's life, I would include them. Otherwise, there's no pressure to extend the invitation and you can find a different time to reconnect and catch up. I hope this helps, and congratulations on your expanding family.

Sit Down With Your Daughter

Christopher Shelley is a wedding celebrant, speaker and author at Illuminating Ceremonies.

Normally I am all for couples not inviting children, but not inviting anyone under 21 feels extreme in its exclusion. The first thing that comes to mind is that these may be people who want alcohol consumption to be a primary source of fun for their evening—otherwise why the arbitrary cutoff at age 21?

I understand your outrage. Weddings are a rare and beautiful event where all ages come together to celebrate something extraordinary.

The best approach is for you to sit down with your daughter and find out why she doesn't want anyone under 21 at the wedding. It's a really specific request, and I bet they have a really specific reason for making this decision.

21 is the age when people can drink legally—are they against underage drinking? Do they think younger people should not even be around alcohol, even if they aren't going to drink it? Are they planning to get drunk at their own wedding and don't want young people see this devilish side emerge? If you find out the reason for this specific age cutoff and get to the heart of that, then the rest of the discussion can happen.

I've found that younger people tend to make decisions without thinking them through. Their decision is having negative consequences that probably far outweigh any benefit they are getting from it. To me, it sounds like yet another decision that a young couple made without thinking about anyone but themselves.

Sometimes older people have to take a deep breath and walk the young people through the consequences of their actions.

Do you have a family dilemma to share? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.