My Ex and I Are in Love Again, But She's Engaged—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, Years ago, I fell in love with someone special. She came into my life and it seemed like we've always known each other. I had two kids from a previous relationship and she had two of her own. We all got along well and blended our family together. I wanted to marry her and so I proposed. However, I messed up. At the time, I was still married to my kid's mother, although we had been separated for a while. I did not want to get back to her at all.

The main reason I never filed for divorce was that I didn't have the means to do so at the time. She knew I was still married but she wanted to be with me still and thought we were going to be together forever. At the time, my ex told me she was going to get the paperwork done, so I figured that would be fine, as I wouldn't have to pay anything upfront. That never happened, and my fiance grew tired of waiting around and broke it off with me. She moved on with her life and I tried to do the same as best as I could.

Fast forward 7 years, and she reaches out to me via email asking how my kids are. I tell her they're fine and ask about hers. Then we exchanged a few emails to catch up. Turns out she is engaged and has another son with this man. Not going to lie, it hurt hearing this, but I was happy for her. She found someone that was going to give her the world that I didn't. So we trade numbers and begin talking more. As we continue to speak, I realize that I never honestly dealt with the feelings I had for her. I kept them in check though, as I did not want to offend her or cause an issue between us. After talking for a while, we discovered that our feelings were mutual. The issue is, we can't be together. She has her reasons for not leaving him and I can respect them.

I guess my question is, how do I get over my feelings for her? I'm trying to accept that I'll never be able to be with her again but it's hard. Do I need to completely stop talking to her again? If I do that, then I lose a good friendship. Before I thought we were soulmates, and now I feel even stronger about that since we are back in each other's life. Her family is already set against me. Her kids don't know me anymore and that hurts so much. They used to call me dad as they never had a father figure. Now someone else is their dad. I'm just lost on what I should do. I don't think dating someone else is the answer, as how would it be fair to them that I still feel this way about my ex?

Lost in TX, Unknown

You Have Dodged a Bullet, She Is Afraid of Commitment

Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety

Dear Reader,

It sounds like you're in a very complicated situation. Before you can move on, you would need to understand why you didn't take action with this woman when you had the chance. She wanted you to complete your divorce so you could marry her, but you didn't, and your letter offers no real reason why not (you mentioned funds, but said nothing of any barrier to obtaining the money—it sounded more like an excuse than an insurmountable obstacle). You mentioned having thought your first wife "was going to do it," but then you apparently just waited passively; even to the point of allowing your partner to leave you over the incomplete divorce. You would benefit by becoming curious and reflective about your passivity. Once you truly understand what drove your passive behaviors that created this situation, you will be much better prepared to move forward.

The good news is that when you do figure out why you essentially drove this woman away through your passivity, you will be okay without her. You may have even done it from an unconscious awareness that the relationship was unhealthy, for example, the fact that she's suddenly messaging you and trying to be "friends" despite having another baby with her new fiancé suggests that perhaps she's not exactly a superstar when it comes to commitment, in other words you may have dodged a bullet.

Regarding your idea about pursuing a "friendship" with her: probably best to avoid it. It sounds like just another way of you having an ambiguous relationship that has no real chance of commitment; and that would impede you from moving towards the healthy, fully committed relationship you say you're seeking for your own sake as well as presumably for the sake of your children.

Please do get therapy. You may have some serious blind spots (even about yourself), and a therapist could help you with this. A therapist could also help you to get through the grief and loneliness that may arise as you wrestle with the issues above. Take heart knowing the work is all to prepare you for a mature, committed, and truly fulfilling relationship.

Keeping in Touch With Your Ex Is a Risky Game

New York and Connecticut State Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa Rene Reynolds

Relationships, complications, and timing can be very tricky things. The scenario provided is sad and tragic, but not one that is uncommon. The feelings are mutual but one party is simply not willing or able to pursue the relationship any further. So in short, she knows how you feel and where to find you if her situation should ever be different in the future. As for you, there likely will be feelings of frustration, loss, sadness, and perhaps regret. Only you will be able to gauge whether still talking to her is a possibility.

Many times, keeping that great and helpful connection may feel wonderful, but may end up being both risky and difficult. It may be excruciating to have encounters when you are wishing and wanting more—like only being allowed to have the tiniest forkful of a slice of decadent chocolate cake. Additionally, engaging in ways together that feel fulfilling and enjoyable can lead to easy boundary crossings. You should aim to build a relationship on a solid foundation that is healthy and intentional by both parties, not by beginning from getting caught in a slip-up.

Healing takes time, so be sure to practice self-care, whatever that looks like for you— getting enough sleep, going for a run, hanging out with people that make you happy, getting a massage, or even giving yourself permission to have a good long cry! Although things may not work out with this woman, remember that you have learned exactly what things you want in a romantic partner now and it will help you know who to look for in the future. As for dating, each person in your situation will have a different choice. If you aren't up to dating again yet, then kudos for being insightful enough to know yourself and what feels right for you.