My Brother Wants To Give My Possessions To His Child—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I am pregnant with my third child, after a big age gap. My other two children are both teenagers, and the oldest is going to college this August.

Lately, my younger brother has been asking if I can give him my children's Playstation, since nobody is using it (the soon-to-be middle child does not care for video games). He wants to give it to his young children as a Christmas gift.

The thing is, he can easily afford his own Playstation (he has an expensive gaming computer and a large flat-screen TV). He just wants it because I have it. Never mind that I have told him several times before that I would like to keep it for my unborn child.

His wife has gotten involved in our disagreement, calling me "selfish" and asking me why I want to "crush my own nephews" dreams. My husband is telling me to let my brother have the Playstation, arguing that our child may not end up liking video games, and then it would just be sitting there. What should I do?

Denise, New Hampshire

Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members Can Be Hard, But Very Important

Chase Cassine is a relationship expert and behavioral health specialist at DePaul Community Health Centers in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! You said that you already have two older children, so you are starting all over, which can bring up an array of mixed emotions like excitement, fear, and anxiety about becoming a mom again.

Mood swings are common in pregnancy because of a variety of factors like stress, fatigue, and hormones. However, it sounds deeper than mood swings causing you to act "selfishly." Honestly, your family members seem to be gaslighting and emotionally invalidating how you feel.

Naturally, their behavior is causing you to shut down and appear resistant, but your boundaries are not being respected. For instance, your younger brother seems to have a common personality trait often seen in families—a sense of entitlement. These family members are demanding and believe everything must be given to them.

Therefore, we must learn to set healthy boundaries with them, which can be hard as toxic family members can view them as signs of disrespect. Yet, setting boundaries can be new territory for many people, specifically females, who are often socialized to prioritize others first and forgo their own needs. Still, they are important to implement in all relationships for the sake of your mental health.

This dilemma can be resolved by both parties coming together for a healthy compromise. Instead of you being guilted into giving him your Playstation, maybe they can discuss purchasing the game for a nominal fee.

All relationships require compromise. I understand that it is hard to set healthy boundaries and negotiate with others, but these are necessary tools for building healthier relationships with others in our lives.

Blame, Labeling, and Judgment Have No Place in A Loving Family

Ruth E. Freeman is the founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions in Mansfield, Connecticut.

The blame game seems to be popular among families. When folks are criticizing you for your decisions, rather than being candid about their inner experiences, just step back and don't take it in.

However, make sure you don't fall into this trap yourself. In this case, your brother and sister-in-law are labeling you as selfish, instead of sharing authentically how your decision affects them.

The alternative to the blame game is authentic expression. It might sound like, "I feel so disappointed in your decision. I think my son would be so excited to get his cousin's game. It could mean a lot to him." [To which you could] then you could reply, "I am really sorry to let you down, but I love the idea of saving this game for my baby because he might love having his big brother's toy from long ago." Simply state the truth of your emotions and thoughts.

Blame, labeling and judgment really have no place in a loving family. It is always ok to say no and respect yourself and the other person by understanding each other's and our own experiences with compassion. There is no right and wrong answer in this situation and in most other issues with family members or friends. Human relationships are complicated and we often have conflicting needs. But if you could reach for emotional honesty without blame, you may feel more at peace with your decisions in general. While most of us didn't grow up in families with a lot of emotional intelligence, we can develop it within ourselves. One book that describes this important capacity is "Permission to Feel" by Marc Brackett. You may also want to take a look at the work of Brene Brown for more insight into the ways that authentic relationships within ourselves and with each other can be transformative.