My Son and His Fiancé Have Caused A Rift In Our Family—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My son, 36, owns a very beautiful brick home and has money. Both he and his partner work from home. He's been dating her for about two years, and they have been engaged for over a year. He's white, she's black, with a daughter who is seven. Our family is not racist at all, and I love her daughter Chloe beyond words.

I used to live about five minutes away and I once stopped by to take a peek at their Christmas tree along with his younger brother. My son would not let us in, and he turned us both away. As this was the first time, I didn't think much of it.

I've dropped things off at his house, stopped by to simply say hello, and we have never been allowed in, even when I had my brother, his uncle, with us. This has happened so many times that I won't go there again. In fact, he has specifically told me not to.

I have now moved house over 45 minutes away, since there was a huge breakdown in contact. I moved back to my hometown, and my youngest son lives with me.

I just want to know how I can spend time and bond with my soon-to-be granddaughter? This summer her mom sent her three hours away to her parents' place. I didn't get to see her when I lived five minutes away, and even now it's only a 45-minute drive.

Should I be upset with my son, or his fiancé? I'm 62 and they never come to see me either. We meet near their home at restaurants. All I want is to spend quality time with my future granddaughter.

They are talking about having a baby together. Will I get to see my own grandbaby? Am I ever going to be allowed in his home? It just doesn't make sense to me. Please help.

Betty, North Carolina

You Cannot Change Their Values And Preferences

Melissa Tran, LMFT, PMH-C is a Clinical Instructor at Nova Southeastern University and al licensed marriage and family therapist.

Dear Betty,

Your heart sounds like it is in the right place with wanting to welcome your son's partner and her daughter, Chloe. You have so much love to give and it's hard to understand why your son is responding this way. Perhaps you are grieving the idea of what you hoped your relationship would be like with your son's family and what life would look like as a grandparent.

I'm curious how your son responded when you communicated your concerns and desire for connection. Do you both share the same ideas of what that would look like in this season of life or are you focused on your dream? How has that been discussed and processed? It sounds like you have different love languages. You mentioned your son has clearly expressed his wishes that you not drop by. It sounds like your son is setting up firm boundaries for his family. It's possible that, while well intended, stopping by his home unannounced is overstepping their household preferences.

I would suggest asking for a sit-down to discuss everyone's expectations and how to respect boundaries. If needed, you could seek family therapy to help guide you through these conversations. Use that time to hear and accept what he/they want as well. Explore if there is any racial dynamic that needs to be addressed. What I mean is that, just because your family doesn't identify as racist, doesn't mean there aren't cultural considerations to be had.

In the end, you cannot change their values and preferences. You then might consider turning to your support network and/or therapy to help process your grief and work towards acceptance of a difficult situation.

Not Everyone Appreciates Others Showing Up Without Warning, Call Them First

Jane Hammerslough, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, and author. She is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

Dear Betty,

Of course you are upset at not being invited into your son and his fiancé's home, and are anxious about the prospect of not seeing possible future grandchildren or your son's fiancé's seven-year-old daughter. It sounds like you really value being welcomed by family, hope to have a good relationship with Chloe, and feel sad about being turned away when you make an effort to visit. And it makes sense that this situation would be both puzzling and frustrating for you.

Who should you blame? Your son or his fiancé? The short answer is neither. We cannot change other people or control what they do. Instead, it might make sense to look inward. How have your efforts to connect with your son and his family not worked in the way you had hoped? And how has your behavior, however well-intentioned, contributed to the current situation?

This may require a little tough love toward yourself. Clearly, you really want to connect. But while you might welcome impromptu visits, not everyone appreciates your showing up without warning, especially if they are working at home. Considering your son and his fiancé, and respecting their boundaries by texting, emailing, or calling ahead might help you understand them better, and contribute to more positive interactions. And while you are eager to have a close relationship with Chloe, it might be something that takes time, and really getting to know her mother first.

Finally, if they are open to it, it might be worth seeing a family therapist to help sort through some of these issues.

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