My Friends Are Shaming Me For Grieving My Husband — What Should I Do?

Hello Newsweek,

Two and a half years ago my husband of nearly 46 years died of cancer. My grief encompassed me and two of my best friends (one I'd known over 50 years, the other over 40 years), in less than a week, began systematically criticizing, judging, and ultimately shaming me for how I was grieving, my financial situation and how I had lived my life with my husband. Within days I was told I needed "tough love to get my sh*t together", that I needed to "back seat my grief because others were grieving him too", that I was acting "entitled and ungrateful for money people had given me", and that I needed to "grieve with more dignity" when I expressed anger over a situation that had nothing to do with either of them. Both of them were thousands of miles away and I found myself in defense mode with them as they continued their onslaught of criticisms fueled by lies and gossip, some of it generated by one of my sisters. I was fortunate to have grief counseling and a therapist that helped me through this difficult time and identified the friends' behavior as grief shaming among other things.

They were "insulted" by me identifying their grief shaming and proceeded to attack me on several levels. One told me I "didn't deserve" my husband, that I "forced my dying husband to work" and that I "sat for 18 months doing nothing when I should have set up his cremation". The other agreed with her and told me I was "punishing" the people who grief-shamed me. Both repeatedly told me I was abusing them and others with my defensive behavior while calling me a b**ch via phone, text, video, and Facebook.

One of these women recently complained to a mutual friend that she was suffering from the loss of our friendship and the mutual friend reached out to me. I told her I had and that I had been ignored. After several obscure short email messages from the estranged friend, who said she was only comfortable emailing me, I responded by asking why she told people my grandson was mentally ill (a lie she perpetuated last year)? She admitted she had done so, tried to minimize the incident, and offered an apology for upsetting me. I responded that I wasn't upset I was livid. Spreading lies about me was one thing but about my grandson is deplorable. We did not resume our friendship.

I can not fathom why adult women act in this fashion. We are in our 60s and not teenagers, yet I felt like I was in Mean Girls. This whole experience was more than just saying the wrong thing to a new widow. This was downright hateful.

Regards,

Janelle, Minnesota

Find Support From People Who Have Been Through What You Have

Sherry Cormier is, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and certified bereavement trauma specialist and a former Professor of Counselling Psychology at the University of Tennessee and West Virginia University.

First, I am very sorry that you lost your husband to cancer. Having gone through a similar loss, I know firsthand all the heartbreak that arises from being a widow. Also, it is so hard that you are having to navigate issues with friendship. When we are in the midst of deep grief, the pain of being "grief shamed" makes our healing that much more challenging.

In part, this is because grief feels isolating. When we lose a beloved such as our life partner, our life as we knew it also ends or shifts. Many other transitions occur in short order and we may feel uprooted. We know from research that one of the most important ways we heal from grief is to find reliable and consistent sources of social support through our relationships and connections with others. At times, these connections also change, creating a "secondary loss"; people we used to depend on for friendship no longer feel like friends for one reason or another.

We need to grieve these secondary losses too. It's hard to let go of people who have been in our social circle for a long time. While not underestimating the sadness of loss, grief can offer new opportunities for our own growth. For example, rather than continuing to invest a lot of time into old friendships that no longer feel satisfying, seek to develop new friendships and find different outlets, activities, and hobbies that may sprout seeds of connection that bloom in beautiful ways.

Consider joining an in-person or online group consisting of other women who have been recently widowed. As you rebuild your life after loss, pay attention to what nourishes you –people, activities, habits, and practices, that contribute to your life in a positive way. I wish you and other grievers well as you continue to heal from devastating loss.

Rethink The Meaning of a 'Friend'

Roni Beth Tower is an author and retired research, clinical, and academic psychologist whose memoir, "Miracle at Midlife: a Transatlantic Romance", published in October, 2016, won a Gold 2017 IPPY Award. She writes regularly on "Life, Refracted" for Psychology Today and for BonjourParis, which has included her memoir among the "Best Books Set in Paris."

Hello Janelle,

Thank you for your letter. Your words tell me that your husband's death was a painful loss; your friendships, from adolescence and the early years of your marriage, became sources of additional distress; the bases of these friendships – maintained across years and geographical distance – is unclear; and your suffering through your relationships with the two women, and perhaps with others whom they may have recruited to share their viewpoints and (mis)information, has increased. You have suggested your attempts to revise the dynamics between you and the two women, including shaming and blaming, have brought no changes in your interactions.

Now asking "what should I do?", I wonder what options you see. Your loyalty and devotion to long-term relationships are clear from both your enduring marriage and your distress at the evolution in these female friendships. Could you ask yourself some questions that were unclear from your letter? For example, what was the original basis of your bonds to these women? Were the relationships based on history as you had "born witness" for each other of your childhood or teens or early married years? Were they originally based on shared locations, interests, values, concerns? Did they repeat all-too-familiar family dynamics you had with one or more siblings? Had these women been supportive, helpful to you across the years, including when your husband was ill and you were navigating challenges?

Were you feeling abandoned by them, an additional loss? Were their perceptions and judgments of you, your emotional experiences, and your behavior something new – or had they been part of the dynamics of your relationships across time?

Was there rivalry, or jealousy? Had you navigated breaches in trust, feelings of betrayal, and lies to third parties (or the public) previously and managed to repair those breaches? How had any of you previously responded to the experience of feeling hurt by each other? Have you tried negotiating boundaries of acceptable behaviors? How do they – and you – show love?

What if you decided to examine their motivation and your own? Could you then envision investing your energy in creating mutually nourishing attachments?

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